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Christmas

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Original poster

Spending Christmas with famlies instead of DH

21 replies

KaptenKrusty · 09/12/2019 16:21

With my DH 9 years - this is our 2nd year as a married couple - we have never spent Christmas together - except once when we skipped Christmas and went on holiday together instead!

We live abroad so travel back to home Country most years for Xmas break - he goes to his family & I stay with mine!
My mum and his siblings have started to make comments that the fact we are choosing to separate again this year even though we are now married is a bit odd!

I am happier to do this as the other option is alternating as our family homes are too far from each other to see both families on one day!

I miss my fam so much and don't get home much so would just rather see them every year and tbh I don't even really care that much about Christmas - I just like spending time at home!

DH siblings are now asking if I have some sort of problem with them the fact I don't want to come there for the day ever..

TBH not sure how we could even keep everyone happy if we didn't separate - we tried to alternate one year & his mum burst into tears that he was choosing my family over his...so we can't win!

What do others do ?? Is our set up weird?? I feel it works for us - probably will change it up if we have kids in the future - but for now??

OP posts:

bluebell94 · 09/12/2019 18:43

Do whatever makes you happy and what work for you both! Sounds like a good set up if you get to see your family and he gets to see his. I'm in pretty much the same boat, we're having dinner with our own families then will be back together on the night time. It just works for us for now. We're trying for a baby so I know that if that happens we'll do something different and will probably alternate (I know it might be selfish but I've always been at my parents for Christmas so will find that odd!!)
For now though we're like you. Perfectly happy and getting to see everyone. It's perfectly understandable especially as you live away

paddingtonbearsmarmalade · 09/12/2019 18:46

My DP hates Christmas and I have no intention of ever ruining mine by spending it away from my family (or with his family, even worse!) If we had children we’d probably reconsider but that isn’t on the cards. You ANBU :)

Drum2018 · 09/12/2019 18:48

By the same token your family could be whinging that your Dh must have a problem with them. Such a petty attitude for his siblings to have. Continue as you are if you are both happy with it. Being married doesn't mean you have to be joined at the hip. Tbh it would put me off travelling to my home country at all. Why not suggest that you stay in your own home next year and see how they all like that!

Disfordarkchocolate · 09/12/2019 18:50

I think it's fine but if you have children it will have to change.

Autumntoowet · 09/12/2019 18:57

TBH not sure how we could even keep everyone happy if we didn't separate - we tried to alternate one year & his mum burst into tears that he was choosing my family over his...so we can't win!
I feel for you OP because things are going to get so much worse if you do have children.

HelloDulling · 09/12/2019 19:00

Could you spend Christmas together in your own home, then visit your families together at another time, when it’s cheaper to travel?

SeaToSki · 09/12/2019 19:37

Just do your own Christmas at home with DH before you fly over, then separate and celebrate with each of your own families. If anyone is cheeky enough to comment, just tell them you have already celebrated together

underneaththeash · 09/12/2019 19:48

You'll have to alternate when you have children, or alternatively everyone could come to you.

Disfordarkchocolate · 09/12/2019 19:54

You don't have to alternate when you have children, home is a viable alternative too.

ChristmasCroissant · 09/12/2019 19:55

Just come over at a different time and spend time together with each other's families. It does seem odd to me to come over and not spend any time together. You seem to have created your own problem here!

orangeteal · 09/12/2019 20:18

It is a bit odd, DH will be working away next Christmas and it breaks my heart thinking about next year, he is my family and the only person I'd want to spend it with.

I get what you're saying about not seeing your family much though, the main thing is if you and DH are happy with the arrangement, do you make sure you see each other's families at other times? Have you thought about what you'll do if you have children?

Original poster

KaptenKrusty · 09/12/2019 21:41

Good to hear I’m not the on out one who does this hahah!!
We are both pretty independent and don’t feel the need to be together on Christmas (we both aren’t super into it) the reason we go home is just that we are always off for 2 weeks at that time of year and it’s nice get a long period at home (& also it just keeps the mammys happy 😆) - We usually get back together around the 27th and have a few nights out with friends before end of our trip - I usually catch up with his brothers at some point for drinks too :)

We see each other’s families loads of other times through the year anyway so I just don’t really feel the need to start this alternating thing for Christmas!!

Husband and I usually swap gifts and have a little mini Xmas in our flat before we head off for actual xmas!!

Once we have kids I’d happily just stay in my own flat and head back for a visit another time! Tbh it’s not something that i worry about now we will figure that out later!

OP posts:

Original poster

KaptenKrusty · 10/12/2019 12:18

We are now also spending new years apart - he's got offered some extra work back where we live (need the cash as we are hoping to buy a house early next year) - but I want to stay at home that extra few days so am going to !! Now my Mum totally thinks we are being weird!! Lolz :)

Ohh well we are happy out with out plan and they can all just think what they like hahah

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BarbedBloom · 10/12/2019 19:10

We used to alternate as we are soppy sods and want to be together. We host now, but easier for us as it is just each of our mums, a sibling each and nephews - obviously wouldn't work with a giant family.

You do what is right for you, but I can see why your in laws may be a little put out. How about potentially alternating every other Christmas? Or perhaps you could travel up for New Year instead.

BarbedBloom · 10/12/2019 19:11

Ah, x posted with you. In that case I would just say you want to see your family for Xmas. As long as you and your husband are happy, there isn't any real need to change things. I would lose my mind being home for that long though, a day is more than enough with either of our families

MyDcAreMarvel · 10/12/2019 19:23

Yes it’s odd, you are adults not children, you and dh are your immediate family now.

WontLetThoseRobotsDefeatMe · 10/12/2019 20:12

Not odd. It sounds like it suits you perfectly.

It may well not suit others - but one of the joys of life is that we are all different.

Opposite here - I love christmas day with my DP. This year we're adding a friend who's a bit lovely otherwise.

We're visiting my mum on Boxing Day and hope to see my brother, but I am still bearing a grudge for him arriving for Christmas dinner at mine last year 4 hours+ late, hungover, and without his wife (who iwas expecting!!)

Original poster

KaptenKrusty · 11/12/2019 08:54

It would probably different if I was big into Christmas - if we stayed in our own place we probably wouldn't even celebrate it tbh!! We went on a 3 week holiday last Christmas to Mexico (flew out on xmas day) ! We might well start alternating between a visit home and a holiday rather than alternating between the families.

yes my DH & I are family now - but that doesn't mean the rest of our family now don't matter now?? - I see my husband pretty much every day - I see my parents a few times a year.
I am so looking forward to lounging around with my mum for a few days & catching up with friends :)

I see a lot of posts on here with people upset and arguing with their partner about where to spend Xmas and it causes huge drama & upset - I don't want to go down that road - I feel like it's a pointless fight! so think this is the best way for us to do it - we are both happy - our families are both happy - (but they all are talking about us behind our backs about how weird our relationship/ set up is) - but sure I can handle that! hahah

OP posts:

NannySusan · 11/12/2019 09:02

This will be my 8th Christmas in a relationship with my DH and the first one we spend together. Other years we have separated to be with far apart family.
This year everyone is coming to us and I'm very happy with that.
But if we separated again next year, I'd be ok with that too.
I know his Mam thought it was weird that we didn't spend Christmas Day together when we got married. But she said nothing to us because she would hate to alternate, much better keep quiet and see him every year 😂

Original poster

KaptenKrusty · 11/12/2019 09:38

Hahahh @NannySusan exactly the same as his mam - she'd rather we didn't alternate really as she wants my DH home every year if she can get it!

OP posts:

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 11/12/2019 11:11

We did this for years before DC, until the end of our 20s. We are both from big families and towns where our friendship groups used to meet in the pub on Christmas Eve but we were nowhere near each other. We lived together and saw each other every day and both really loved our home Christmas's, no drama at all. We both went home Boxing Day and usually had a couple of days off together which was our Christmas. It changed once we married and had DC but everyone else was doing the same thing and things changed very quickly within a couple of years.

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