Was i being mean??

[Hairwizard]

So i told the rellies no clothes for dc this year as ive bought all their winterwear. I instead gave suggestions for some items they need instead and to buy between them (not cos expensive but cos i dont want a pile of crap in the house).
Sil has this thing of buying clothes in advance in diff ages and stashing away for christmas/birthdays. Ive decided enoughs enough. They end up with huge bags of clothes given to them, half doesnt get used and tbh i would like to buy my own dc their clothes.
We had a text exchange other day about it in which i told her clearly, that id told everyone no clothes, one outfit each is more than enough and not to give anymore than that as it will be wasted. (If my request goes ignored this year i plan on donating any excess as there are families who need it more.)
Dc will get more than enough as it is between us and rest of family.
Ive never mustered the balls to tell her this before as didnt want to upset anyone but am seriously fucking over that shit now. Esp as it dawned on me that if roles were reversed she wouldnt accept it all either.
Did feel a bit mean after texting, was i??

I'd accept the clothes and be thankful I didn't have to buy them! Anything you really don't like you can ebay.

I think she is the really rude one buying a complete watdrobe’s worth of clothes for each child. If it was just one or two little outfits for each child you might like them, you might not but you’d say thank you, maybe use them and carry on.

But to buy so much for each child is crazy, particularly so far in advance when you have no idea if the child will grow at the same rate as the clothes you’ve bought in anticipation so you might end up with a snowsuit that fits in July or a summer dress that’s just right in January...

It’s also insulting to the parents to buy so many clothes as it implies you don’t think they are able to clothe their children - both money-wise and taste-wise. Plus it takes away fun for you if you enjoy choosing clothes for your kids but don’t want to be wasteful if you have the other stuff.

Maybe you could send her a compromise and suggest she chooses her 2 favourite outfits for each child. And she can sell off the rest of them - not to have anything else instead but so she can realise how much she is spending that she really doesn’t need to - if she is buying years in advance chances are she won’t realise how much she is spending.

Well plan is to donate excess as they have more than enough as it is. I know she likes to regift anything she doesnt want/need herself. Who doesnt.
Id just rather not have to do that. Wouldnt mind if it was just a few bits for them but its literally a wardrobes worth of stuff. Each. No.need.

So is she spending a lot on them or is she buying like tons of Primark Sale tat?

@wibdib exactly! Ive told her one outfit each after she said she couldnt take it all back. Thats more than enough.
I get that she prob likes doing it but actually so do i like to buy their clothes.

@SleepingStandingUp its a mix of stuff from next/matalan/tkmaxx/primark etc. Not usually all from one place.

If she's buying so much that there's an entire years worth of clothes I'd be talking to her about from next year buying less and maybe putting some money into an account for them.

I do think if you know that she buys throughout the year for them then suddenly deciding that you won't accept it is rude. I think you'd be better of talking about ot than doing it going forward.

I think quite rude and ungrateful .

You are very likely to have support like that !

She already knows she buys too much as we keep telling her its too much. Only this year ive actually said no more. Doesnt matter how much notice i gave as god knows how long stuff has been stashed away.
Her mantra is 'no pockets in a shroud'.
I think she should spend it on herself tbh. She works hard. Shes no family of her own so no ties and single. If it were me id be off travelling doing city breaks etc.

I think you have been rude and I would feel hurt by your comments. I presume she does this because she loves the children and loves to buy the children gifts and has budgeted for it throughout the year.

You sound so ungrateful.

Shes no family of her own so no ties and single.

That makes it even worse that you are treating her this way. These kids ARE her family.

I was agreeing with you totally until you said she has no family so I guess she just really enjoys buying for them all and then it is a bit mean to stop her.

But I do know where you are coming from, DM buys my kids so many clothes that I have no room for them in the wardrobes and I feel like I can never buy my own kids anything as they don't need it, but then I feel bad on DM and ungrateful as she clearly enjoys it.

I just think the amount of stuff is just too much. Feel i can never buy them clothes myself.

From the sounds of it donating is the way to go. But I can see what you mean about it being a waste of money stocking up wardrobes full of stuff that doesn't get worn.

I have to admit when I was a kid I used to cringe at some of the clothes my aunt bought me! Tomboy jeans a tee kind of girl and she would get like velvet dresses with Peter pan lace collars, i never wore them.

Are there ever price labels on? Or are you able to guess at how much she spends?
In the new year (or Christmas night before she can get to the sales!) could you sit her down and ask - nicely - why she feels she needs to buy an entire wardrobe for each child?
Because even as a single aunt with no kids that’s excessive and must cost a fortune as well as being unnecessary. And the dc won’t know or care, you’re growing resentful and I expect she is resentful at your reaction to her generosity. So bad all around.

There’s something nice about buying cute kids clothes so I can see why she likes doing it - and if she would love kids of her own but hadn’t got any I can understand why she does what she does but she has to realise that she has gone waaaaaay past normal aunt buying boundaries of 2 or 3 outfits for Christmas - buying a whole wardrobe without advance agreement from the parents is in time to be talkingvto professionals territory - double so as you have asked her not to.

Accepting all the clothes every time is not being nice - it’s just encouraging her to do this again. Plus it gives you a job that you don’t need in dealing with the excess - the stress of finding somewhere to take them, physically getting there (guessing you don’t have a lot of free time at the moment!), the stress af anticipating the annual onslaught, the annoyance of not being able to buy the clothes you’d like to die to worriesof wastefulness, the stress of talking to sil and being ignored...

Good luck in helping her to change her behaviour - it’s been a long time developing so could take a long time to break - but worth persevering.

It always fascinates me on threads like these how people can say it’s mean to say you don’t want it because it may upset the persons doing it if you say something - because you’ve accepted it in the past even thought you have never enjoyed it, you MUST carry on even though you know have the skills to ask her to stop when you didn’t know how to before. Her feelings are not more important than yours. If it didn’t bother you you would have left it! It is hard when years of annoyance have built up to do it in a way that doesn’t cause some hurt...it you had felt it was easy to do you would have done it years ago. I think it is a boundaries issue pure and simple. We had the same with my in laws. My husband is an only child and sadly they couldn’t have more. When we had our eldest they definitely felt like they could act like she was the second child they’d never had. That first Christmas when she was only a couple of months old...the sheer number of presents brought made me feel sick inside. It went well beyond giving a thoughtful gift and into meeting their needs territory. It’s hard to describe how awful it feels when someone is having fun taking your role. My husband went for a couple of counselling session to help erect healthy boundaries with his parents. Needless to say, they still don’t see his point of view (how he is not an extension of them and has thoughts, feelings and a point of view too!) but the boundaries he’s put in place protects him as much as possible and protects the kids and me... he initially set up an online gift list for each child and told his parents they could buy one item off it and now the kids are older, he has said the children would rather money - which matches what my family do. Yes that is harsh and they liked buying gifts but they didn’t respect any of his requests do boundaries needed to be more clear cut and easily enforced. Because they didn’t respect his point of view at all, with the counsellor’s support he has felt it necessary to have stronger boundaries than we would prefer to have in order to protect himself. Motivation is everything So what is lovely from one person is not so from another...which is why this type of behaviour is hard to tackle as from someone else it could merely be thoughtful. But when someone won’t stop doing something “for you” when you’ve said you don’t like it...how can that be a gift? - if she won’t stop when you’ve said you don’t like it...then it really can’t be a gift in any real sense. Personally I wouldn’t take them and re gift them - that won’t stop the behaviour going forward. I wouldn’t accept them in the first place and tell her clearly that she can give one outfit and that she should sell or gift elsewhere the rest. She needs to find another way to meet this need. There will be some righteous indignation I’m sure and some genuine hurt but the issue will be back where it truly exists, with her. It is sad for her that she had painful needs she tries to meet this way but it is equally damaging for you not have heathy boundaries. I would just be factual and say it doesn’t work for you or your children. You’re sorry she’s upset but it doesn’t work for you...if she has clothes from years ago then she can either gift to children in need through charities or try and recoup money on eBay etc. I know you knew she was doing it for years and you’ve allowed it but that doesn’t mean you can’t gently say it doesn’t work for you and you won’t accept it going forward. Boundaries are ok and heathy to have. Good luck!

Sorry about the typos - hope it still makes sense!

I think it is terribly wasteful.
I assume your children are young as otherwise they will have their own preferences in clothing.
I agree it's all about her.
Ask her to open a savings account for the children instead.

Ive found it hard to tell her out right to please stop as ive not wanted to upset anyone but then i realised she would be giving out if it was other way round and no way she would be accepting all the stuff so neither am i. She knows she buying them too much as weve told her before its far too much.
She buys all in the sales so its more as she still would spend the same.
Thanks all for opinions. Donations it will be. Always someone else in need.

@Zogtastic yes i get what you saying!

If you feel most comfortable with the “say thanks and then just donate straight away” route then you might find it useful to “google” the medium chill approach - kind, friendly but a brick wall between the conversation and your emotions. Also works a treat with the in laws! They always asked personal questions we didn’t want to answer - any sort of fudging in reply from my DH would result in them hounding for more information - our obvious discomfort was no deterrent for them (which is why I draw parallels with your situation - as I struggle to believe that your feelings about this gift situation have not always come across in some way and your discomfort has therefore also been ignored along with your direct pleas for change). Now we just don’t answer - often offering silence but initially doing things like standing up quickly and saying Must dash to the loo...they never ask again. If your relative hands over the gifts and you given a friendly - thank you, we will open those later (Ideally you would try not to lie and say it’s lovely or kind...as it feels neither) or open them quickly - say thank you and we’ll sort through those later. You might find that the gift giving naturally decreases if you give the situation no emotion at all, as the over invested need won’t be “fed”.

@Zogtastic
You are bang on. She can be overbearing at times so therefore doesnt really hear 'no thanks' and i find it difficult at times to be assertive and often end up seeming aggressive instead when that wasnt my intent. I decided to say something about it when as ive said i realised she would have no problem telling us off if roles were reversed. Your posts were really helpful.

Incredibly rude.
Rude to expect presents
Rude to lay down rules as to what people can give
Rude to suggest clubbing together
Rude to tell her.

Accept graciously and redistribute.