Feeling sad need ideas

[chicken2015]

So i have a nearly 3 year old daugther who is being diagnosed with autism next week (appointment on tues, been told to expect a diagnosis) and she has little awareness of surrounds and non verbal. I also have a 9 month old. Obviously my older daugther has no idea about christmas. We have bookd a few Special needs activities for her, but aware its probably more for me as she will have no idea whats going on. Im just feeling very sad about it. And i was wondering if there was any ideas where i could be excited about christmas as i always expected when i have children for it to be magical time and i know thats not the expectation now. I mean it might be when younger daugther grows up. Im not sure what ive asked makes sense. I guess what can adults do to make christmas special

Sorry you’re not having such a great time.

What about some really lovely food/drink treats for you to enjoy when children are in bed/settled?

Baked Cheese with lovely sourdough and a glass of Malbec
Filet steak
Party food from Waitrose

What about a games night with a few friends? Scrabble, Monopoly. Serve mulled wine and turkey and stuffing sandwiches?

Got to a carol service at church.

Do a food bank shop full of treats for your local food bank

There are always house that go full mental
With the lights and we have a drive around with the kids at dinner time then come home to a favourite dinner and hot chocolate.

Thank you for ur suggestions , i think the actual 2 days xmas day and boxing day we r going to be with family , which im dreading as my daughter will prob not cope but we will see. And do what we have to. But i like the idea of walk around to look at lights, i love the christmas lights and so does my daugther she seems to be aware of them and its something we can do christmas eve , thanks again

Op this was me last year. I felt so sad that dd with a learning disability had no concept of Xmas and found activities overwhelming.

This year she is at at sen school and actually has a concept of santa so we are getting there. I think starting school really helped. She still gets overwhelmed and flaps/rocks at the usual days out, but it's getting a bit easier

Just know, you aren't alone and it will get a little easier each year

If your dd likes lights, do lights. Lots of lights... National Trust light trails, carols by candlelight (Fountains Abbey looks good tomorrow and next Sunday), lots of twinkling lights at home to set the mood. Lights are one of my favourite bits of Christmas. Christmassy smells would work too

Can you make xmas for her a sensory experience, so lots of different coloured lights, making biscuits by hand so the repetitive rolling and cutting with shapes. Smells, essential oils rather then candles. Crafting, go for anwalk and collect leaves and twigs pinecones etc.. then glue them to paper and add glitter/colour. Music is also good dancey or calm dependent on her emotions at the time. I would also suggest only 1 or 2 gifts under tree so its not overwhleming, anymore can be handed out throughout the day.

As for the family coming over, could you create a quiet corner for her to go to, blankets cushions, some pretty lights. It will be overwhelming if shes not used to lots of noise.

As for the santa thing some kids, both nt and those not struggle with the idea of a stranger coming into their homes. I would suggest you say he leaves thr gifts outside for mummy to bring in. Or not mention him at all, it doesnt need to be all aboit santa.

I hope you can find some time to enjoy christmas for yourself we are all guilty of making it about the kids, but you need to find something for you to enjoy too xx

Thank you for reply and suggestions , thats a very good idea to make it sensory, we will have room to go to on xmas day which will use to calm down if too overwhelming, boxing day more difficult as parents house very small and they r not accepting of diagnosis but thats another thread! She has little understanding of anything , so not able to explain or talk about santa, but thanks again

Both my dd's have ASD, youngest is more severe and Christmas used to be a nightmare, visiting relatives was stressful, Christmas Day was overwhelming and I found it very upsetting as it wasn’t what I pictured it to be. We would attempt to do things and it would end in dd having a meltdown or not sleeping. It took me a few years to realise we had to do things low key and adapted to her needs, we stayed at home and tried to keep things the same. She did enjoy baking activities and making Christmas decorations. She’s now almost 14 and loves Christmas, she can now cope with a few bigger activities such as Christmas fairs, pantomime etc..
We spend every Christmas at home now, occasionally pop to my mums for an hour but that’s it. We tried going to relatives when she was little and it was just too much for her and too much for me.

I really think you need to rethink your plans. If there is no quiet room I really just wouldn't go to your parents it's not really fair. Staying at home with an ASD child is much easier. Food is a big issue for my DS and people get v cross when he doesn't eat their lovingly prepared food - take your own or again stay at home. Developing strict rituals over Christmas period will be the most rewarding.

I agree with Sufflolk ,we had a awful Christmas one year when we went to my dads house, his partner doesn’t know my dad’s very well and it was a nightmare, dd2 just couldn’t cope and I had to take a lunch box for dd1 which didn’t go down well with my dads partner as she has spent ages cooking. Dd2 was upset all day and by the time we went home I was crying too, it ruined Christmas, since then we have stayed at home and refused any invites.

Try not to put too much pressure on yourself to feel a certain way about Christmas. There’s a kind of grief in the loss of our dreams and expectations and it’s ok to feel sad.
Christmas is a season of “should” but once you step away from the movie tropes everyone does different things in different ways for different reasons and nobody ever has a perfect Christmas regardless of what they may claim.
Ds is also on the spectrum, though high functioning (or whatever the current term is) and honestly we have better Christmases now because we structure it around what he can cope with. It’s a lovely calm season of gentle rituals rather than one of frenetic activity and stress.
But it didn’t feel like that initially. Learning to manage his transitions, to recognise his threshold for stimulation took time and error! We struggled to recognise that surprises just weren’t enjoyable for him, and could actually ruin a toy/experience.
And also it is a balancing act to ensure that everyone in our family gets a Christmas that they enjoy, not just one ds can tolerate.
My biggest piece of advice is to keep in mind your needs and try and meet some of them at least. With dc, and especially with sn dc, the demands on you personally are huge so it’s important to fill your own battery. Can you schedule some time for a special Christmas event or activity (something that for you is quintessentially Christmas) and do that? Is there a special food for you? Make sure you prioritize it.

Perhaps if you could tell us a little more about your dd we could brainstorm some Christmas activities she might enjoy.

Look up bucket time activities.
This helps autistic children (and adults) focus, gain attention etc, and tbh I have used it for children who are not on the spectrum too. Christmas themed of course. The idea is not to let them touch the items in the bucket.
Stage 1. Think battery operated fairy lights, wind up Xmas toy (walking penguin?). Snowglobe.
Stage 2 'wow' activity you do and they watch. Could be over emphasising decorating gingerbread men.
Stage 3 she copies you do something (due to age maybe do it with her)