The fine line between wish lists and order forms.

[Barbararara]

The way it worked in our house when the dc were small was that they’d ask for one thing from Santa. He always brought a surprise or two and a stocking and they would be amazed at his excellent choices or how he had guessed exactly what they’d like without ever being told. I passed suggestions to any relatives who asked too.

Now the dc are older (9 and 11) and wiser and I’m finding the transition a bit unsettling. They have a good grasp of who spends what, and are planning accordingly. There’s nothing wrong with that really.

With a few of our adult relatives, we’ve moved to a point where we ask each other for ideas. My dm will even ask me what I want, and to buy it myself and she’ll give me money to pay for it. this is a natural extension of me helping her with her shopping and I’m fine with it. And as we all try to be more sustainable it seems sensible to buy things that are wanted instead of landfill tat. But it is a very different thing to carefully and thoughtfully choosing a gift as an expression of affection, wrapping it and anticipating the reaction of the recipient.

I feel that I should, perhaps, be intervening or guiding the dc in some way now but I’m not sure how. I feel uncomfortable with their explicit expectation that uncle X will get them this and Aunt Y will get them that, as it feels grabby to me even though it will likely work out like they predict. Yet there’s a distinct trend, in my family at least, towards making suggestions. My thinking is perhaps a bit old fashioned to be fair and as a child money was far tighter so our expectations were minimal.

And obviously the dc can’t stay innocent forever. And if people ask them for suggestions it’s not unreasonable for them to make one.

I can’t even put my finger on what it is that is bothering me. Maybe that it all feels a bit transactional? Is anyone else grappling with this?

I'd ask for a general list of everything they'd like, and let people choose. (A bit like a wedding list) That way they get something they want, but don't know who's buying what.

I feel exactly the same and similarly can’t quite put my finger on why it feels distasteful. I hate getting the emails from in-laws with amazon links to the specific product they want me to buy. Because it feels transactional and not like a gift. The whole thing yesterday of families with 1 child vs 3 children and do you spend per child or family.... I actually feel Christmas has lost its way completely

We've always encouraged our children to write down anything they would like, in the full expectation that they'll get some of it (and some relatives will buy things without reference to the list). If there's anything they particularly want that gets marked as such (whether it's £50 or £5).

There were a couple of years when the lists contained about twenty things from the Lego catalogue .

We live several hours away from our nearest relatives so not in day-to-day contact and this lets them know what the kids are into and what they've already got.

... and they can never be sure of people's budgets, partly because sometimes they change and partly because the savvy shoppers buy stuff on sale.

(We certainly don't agree between us a fixed amount we will each spend on a child or set of children...)

I'm on the fence about this, as PP said, it feels very transactional. On the other hand, I'd rather not waste my money or have other people waste their money on stuff that isn't quite right. For example, I'm a knitter and crocheter, so I often want yarn. However, I'm quite specific about what yarn I want and in the past I've been bought random yarn that never gets used and ends up at the charity shop.

I have started making DIY presents for all the family, as we are trying to live more sustainably and with less plastic. I don't like the fact that Christmas has become just another opportunity for big coprorations to make brands. I also buy products from small businesses and family companies that sell eco-friendly products all made in the UK. This website is great, I always buy my soaps and creams from them and they are very affordable too. www.earthbits.com

In our house we do wish lists, they are general ideas but not specific demands

Eg aquabeads set (child doesn't know which one or who will buy it, big or small etc)

Sylvanians (child doesn't know which set etc).

I direct family a bit so we don't end up with duplicates.

I think I'd be a bit uncomfortable with a demand for a specific aquabeads set, for example.

I can’t even lie, this year I’ve put together an amazon wish list for all the kids stuff and sent it to any family members asking what they can buy the children

it’s very interesting to read the different points of view and part of my problem is that I agree with them all

My dc are similar age to yours OP (8 and 10) and I get what you mean about how it can start to feel a bit transactional. However, I think while carefully and thoughtfully choosing a gift as an expression of affection, wrapping it and anticipating the reaction of the recipient sounds so lovely there can be an element of looking back through rose tinted glasses to a time when children didn’t get much so were “appropriately” excited by and grateful for anything . It’s really not dcs fault that people in their lives want to buy presents for them and as you say if people ask them for suggestions it’s not unreasonable for them to make one.

It’s tempting to imagine that it’d be so much nicer and better if their relatives went for “thoughtful and meaningful gifts“ but in reality that can be a lot of pressure and those gifts can fall very wide of the mark. I’d hate to think my siblings would put thought and money into something that ended up sitting unused on a shelf or re-gifted

Also, there’s a lot of emotional expectation tied up in the “thoughtful and meaningful” thing which can cause hurt and disappointment if the reaction isn’t what the giver imagined. Not quite the same but there’s a long thread on AIBU re attitudes to homemade gifts and there’s a lot of (imo) expectation and obligation around the whole thing.

I think dc can give suggestions when asked and still feel really grateful and appreciative. I mean isn’t it lovely that Uncle Jack wants to choose something that you’ll like? Isn’t it so generous of him to buy you that toy that you’ve been wishing for for so long? Isn’t he really considerate to phone you and ask what you’d like because he knows you well enough to realise you have specific interests and hobbies?

So yes, I get that it’s different but it doesn’t mean it’s bad. If you do start to feel like it’s a pointless grab-fest then change things up. As dc are getting older suggest a cap on spending, a funny theme, the dc themselves giving etc.

Within my family its pretty acceptable and thoughtful to ask for a specific thing so we might send pics or links of what we would like, and then a few surprise things. We don't really go for big price items and we at least know we will get something we want E.g my sister will ask for a specific dvd or cosmetic, I'll send her a link to some sonic thing my son likes. I think if there's mutual agreements and reasonable budgets etc it's totally fine. You also know then you're not getting the same thing from multiple people. E.g my sis and I will co ordinate who is getting what for mum.

my dds each have an Amazon wish list and I add on there things they see and mention throughout the year (we only buy at Xmas and birthdays). then when people ask i direct them to that. there's £3 things and £50 things and things inbetween so lots of variety. however mil said it looked boring and moaned about it.... dd1 is 11 and her only loves really are funko pops, pusheen, Lego and comic books she will say thank you and seem happy with other stuff but wouldn't use it.