DDs first Christmas away

[girlofthenorth]

My 19 yo DD1 is away with her partner at their parents for Christmas- I was sad at first but have to accept . However I'm actually not looking forward to it . DH is usually miserable at Christmas says he feels too much pressure to be happy ! Will spend the day with DF and DD2 15 who will miss her sister and spend all day in room . DM passed away when I was a child so Christmas always a bit difficult but DDs have always made it happy . Rest of family far away . Worried it's going to be miserable with older DD away ! Tips to make it work please ?

Could you make plans for a second Christmas day where you can spend it with both DD. It might take a bit of the pressure off 25th December

Does DD2 have to spend it in her room? I would be expecting her to spend it mainly with the family tbh. Buy a new board game, plan a film or comedy box set to watch to lift the spirits a bit etc.

Cherish memories, but then make new traditions.
Eat out for Christmas dinner. It will avoid being at your usual dining table with an empty space where your Dd1 would have been, and means Dd2 will have to be out of her room for a while. You’ll also all be able to eat what you want.
Enjoy your quiet time and spend time reading or doing something for yourself.
Make sure you agree a set time that you can call or Facetime them - even if it is only a brief chance to wish them a Merry Christmas.
Flip it to see that 25th December is only a date and Christmas lasts a lot longer than just one day. Christmas includes moments like going to a carol concert together, making a gingerbread house, swapping presents etc... Christmas magic moments can be created on any day.

Def agree with ricekrispie22 and the idea of doing something different. Going out for lunch is great and means you can relax and enjoy your day instead of slaving away unappreciated! No food shopping, prep or cooking, maybe get a new board game and cheese board/nibbles for the evening? Do fun things with your dds in the build up and plan something nice to do after Xmas when dd1 is around?
Hope it goes well x

In my family, if we’re not together for Christmas, and it’s rare now that we all are, we have a dinner together near Christmas. Even though it’s a simpler meal, it’s often nicer than Christmas for being a bit low key with less expectations. All the inter-linked families (in laws and in laws’ in-laws) seem to do this too.

As for Christmas Day, it sounds very tough and your dds are at difficult ages too. How about shifting the focus away from trying to make Christmas work for everyone to celebrating it yourself. I don’t mean by yourself, but taking a look at your own feelings and issues and being kind to yourself as your main priority.
Your dd being absent for Christmas is an echo of the loss of your dm and it’s very understandable for it to hit you harder. While it’s important to support her growing up and moving away from the nuclear family, and you don’t want to burden her, it’s also important to have somewhere to acknowledge and share your feelings. Do you have a way of acknowledging your dm on the day? A visit to her grave, or to church to say a prayer? Or a favourite recipe of hers that you cook? Songs that remind you of her?
The pressure to be “happy” at Christmas is something to take a huge step back from. Spending time with people we care about, while we still can is the important thing. Christmas is a day that the majority of people can be free from work and spend time with family, which is particularly valuable in our over scheduled society. But it’s pointless if we put on plastic happy-masks that hide our real feelings from each other.

Can you focus on spending a bit of quality time with your df? Enjoying a nice luxurious meal together (doesn’t have to be turkey if there’s something else you’d like more).
15 year olds aren’t known for their social skills so don’t take the withdrawal personally but do acknowledge that she might be missing her sister and that you are too (though be careful not to make her feel that she’s not enough) and maybe see if there could be an advantage in it for her like getting to choose what to watch/ getting a bigger portion of something she would have fought with her sister for.
Try putting a few nice touches into the day just for you. Get yourself a nice gift, perhaps. Pamper yourself a bit more than usual. And mentally disconnect yourself from the moods of the people around you (I imagine unplugging a cable from my chest and handing it back to the owner); let your dh have his miserable attitude, let your dd be withdrawn and teenagery. Put the energy that you would usually spend on them (either worrying or trying to jolly them) on yourself instead.

Maybe book something to do on 25th or 26th such as panto or ballet? I did this one year with my parents after we lost my grandparents and my brother was away and it was great (though they took a bit of persuading initially, I gave them a choice of 2 different activities)

This sounds a little odd. DD15 will shut herself away from her parents on Christmas Day because her adult sister is spending the day with her bf?

DH is pressured to be happy? It's just a day relaxing at home with family.

You think you're going to be miserable with your adult daughter? Because Christmas with your other daughter and husband is so bad??

It's all very unnecessarily melancholy.

You do realise that's a very normal Christmas for most. What about those with younger DC who spend alternate years with mum and dad. Honestly, your DH implying it's pressure to appear happy opening a few pressies with his wife and daughter, enjoy a roast dinner, and fall asleep in front of the TV, and so will be miserable instead, is ridiculous.

It's a very drama llama post making problems out of nothing.

Wow thanks for replies and suggestions, especially barbarara yes I didn't even think I could actually use that energy thinking about myself!!! Sometimes we can think about making sure everyone else is ok that and forget about ourselves, yeah , I'll try and make it more fun for myself and not so much the martyr . I'm also realising that missing DM is a big part of how I'm feeling. Thank you.

Younger DD is autistic, sorry should have mentioned, and does not like change.prefers to be on her own most of the time. DH is just a serious type of person , I have tried to talk to him about it.

Courtney not so much the drama llama. Yes I do take into account those who have young children and can't spend Christmas always together. Quite a few of my friends fall into this category and over the years I have spent Christmas with them also. People have all different types of Christmases and it's lonely for some .For me particularly I guess my older Dd is a bit of the life and soul of the party and I'm going to miss that. We have a laugh .

I had a chat with younger DD though, and she's relieved to get a bit more attention I think

@Courtney555 FFS.... was that really necessary? Clearly the OP is feeling a bit low and thoughtful about things... stop being so judgemental. have a bit of compassion

OP I am in a similar position this year where I am worried about how things will be as it will only be 21 year old DD and me for various crap reasons I wont go into. As others have suggested I think it would be a really nice idea to book a special treat...maybe plan something nice for Xmas eve..meal out...cinema.... panto or a show. I think Xmas can be tricky and it does seem to make people feel quite low if it isnt living up to sometimes impossible expectations. I would be feeling sad if one of my kids wasn't there so I get you on that level. It's hard really..... all sorts of emotions seem to come out. Im sort of dreading it but equally I know I need to probably give myself a kick up the backside and try and mke the best of it. I think any 'first xmas' without someone whether they have gone elsewhere of whether they are no longer with you is always going to stir up feelings.

@courteney555 seriously? How is calling OP a drama llama even helpful??

OP, do understand how you feel. Also have had bereavements, autistic child and husband who is not a big fan of Xmas, so appreciate it's very hard to feel any magic.

I've decided to reach out to people who I know are alone during holidays and get them round for drinks or food. Christmas Day will probably be quiet but I feel better about the season knowing that it's not an endless stream of days stuck in a quiet house. And I'm having at least one big day out - e.g panto/shopping/lunch with friend etc.

My best advice, try and keep busy for as many of the days around Cmas as possible, and that way you might find yourself grateful if the rest and peace and quiet on Christmas Day.

If you are on Twitter, Sarah Millican does a great Cmas Day Twitter feed for people all over the U.K. who are on their own and want to chit-chat to others.

Thinking of you

Because it's all so "woe is me" over, in the scheme of things, nothing.

@girlofthenorth I don't have any suggestions but I wanted to wish you a Happy Christmas and say please do try to think of yourself a bit this year; It won't be nice not having your eldest there but you can still have a relaxed day.

@Courtney555 What a miserable person you are. Are people not allowed to feel a bit low about something that is clearly important them? Can always rely on at least one arsehole to give someone a kicking on here isnt there

Nothing to add that @Barbarara hasn't already said, what a wonderful post.

I'm quite the opposite. I'm a really positive person.

OP is being miserable for no reason. She needs to stop wallowing and get on with Christmas
Day instead of, as she quite rightly says, playing the martyr.

I once spent Christmas Day alone. I had split up with a partner and worked 24th and 27th so decided not to drive 8 hours in 2 days. Declined invites ( although went to a friends on Boxing Day)

People were horrified- I loved it.

Obviously you can’t do that but different Christmases can be fab

@Courtney555 Yeah, you sound lovely

Yes @Nishky I've had an alone one or two - they were actually ok and have particularly good memories of one .

@Courtney555 people have all different anxieties and feel low about all sorts of stuff that's talked about on MN . It's not all graded in importance.
It's actually really helpful to see what other people are doing similar situations to you. It might seem unnecessarily dramatic but not to me!

@Theendofmyrope and @BatleyTownswomensGuild hope you have good ones and put your suggestions into practice .

@girlofthenorth I hope whatever you do, you have a lovely time, I have often worked over Christmas so we would have a family meal close to Christmas, which was nice.

This isn't about an OP bashing. It's about OP getting some perspective...

I'm absolutely Christmas crazy. And this year I'm pregnant with twins due on Christmas Day. I can't plan anything. I'm trying to do too much to prepare in advance and knackering myself. I'm still hosting for 6 (that's the plan) although for all I know I'll be spending Christmas Day shrieking pushing out two kids

DS11 has severe ADHD and can make Christmas more complex/difficult than I'd like so we have that to "contend" with too, although we're used to it.

So, I could go all, "Christmas is over this year. I'll be in labour, DS will be in tears on Christmas Day without his parents while I give birth. My parents and grandparents won't have anywhere to go as they're due here. DH is fretting about what will happen. The Christmas dinner will probably sit raw on the side as I rush off to hospital".

My point is, we'll still have our tree up even if it's only half done, we'll still put the Christmas films on and we'll make the most of it! If I go into labour, DS will stay with the other adults and open his presents, and fuck it, the raw turkey can sit and go off on the side and we'll end up sending them a takeaway! It's far from ideal as the Christmas we know and love, but you can either instill a damp negative spin on the situation, or say, you know what, this is what the situation is this year, and what's preventing us from having a perfectly enjoyable time if we actually just get on with it with the right attitude. Actually? Nothing.

It's just part of the passage of life, it is difficult though. I found this harder than empty nest syndrome when they left o be students (I was ready for that).

We have a large family and our adult children and their children all go to their in-laws alternate years. We have had 2 Christmases on our own so far and have gone away. This year we are staying at home. It's not the same but I am glad that they are moving on with their lives. In time you will embrace the new reality of parenting adult children. It's all part of life's rich pageant.