When is the right time to talk about not giving presents anymore?

[Barbarara]

I need to have this conversation with a very dear friend who is very generous and extravagant. I’m in a different financial bracket and just can’t keep it up. We barely know each other these days, and while I’d like to hope my gifts don’t miss the mark as widely as hers do, I’ve really no idea. It’s all pointless.

I’m an early organiser, so in one sense it always feels too late to have this conversation but also it always seems too early too. Most of my RL friends and family abhor any mention of Christmas before late November (by which point I’m preparing for hibernation). I’ve already sorted her gift for this year, but I need to stop the madness. When do I say something?

And then there’s the matter of what to say. I was thinking along the lines of financial circumstances but ideally I’d like her to stop sending me stuff too and I could see her doubling up her efforts instead. Climate change obviously is a part of my thinking too but I can’t think how to word it without being a bit high moral ground about it.

Say instead of gifts, why don’t you each do a donation to a charity of your choice, she has no need to know how much you’ve donated, you have less ‘stuff’ and can be done online (no wrapping/posting.) I can’t see why she would complain, if she does it’s a shame but you might then have to be a bit moral high ground.

You want to stop for next year? Then mention it in March.

I've been thinking about last Christmas, and I really want to cut back next year, so would you mind if we stopped exchanging presents?

I've also got a long term and dear friend who is similar, again she is in a different financial situation. She already bought me a chrome stick for Christmas at the weekend despite me saying I didn't want it.

It's a tough line to take, to be honest I have not solved it yet. You don't need to reciprocate in terms of gift value.

If you don't see each other often could you say you'd like to stop the gift exchange but do a Christmas meet up instead?

I broached this with my sil in early September and she'd already bought a few bits so I fear you might be too late for this year. Depends how organised she is

Definitely too late for this year. I would say July.

A friend of mine messaged me saying have we already discussed about not buying gifts anymore? She went on to say they don't need anything and maybe a day out would be better instead.

We hadn't discussed it previously but I know their financial position has changed and I wasnt surprised. I'm happy to buy less and have less! Maybe that would work for you? Make out like your already brought it up and you're just confirming it for next year, if you've already bought for this year.

Totally agree with Bananajam. That's a great way around it. Unless you're totally heartless you'd either take it at face value, or read into it in a decent way.
Personally I wouldn't pull the climate change card - it's still (shamefully) not everyone's cup of tea and can be irksome. (try explaining to a 3 year old how they didn't get a party bag of rat because it was bad for the planet 🙄)

I dropped the value of my reciprocal gift a couple of years ago in the hopes that she would do likewise but she spends more on postage than I spend on her gift

I quite like the charity donation idea. I’m not sure how she’d take it - I just don’t know her well enough these days which just underlined how ridiculous it is that, after the in laws, she’s one of my most expensive Christmas gifts.

Thanks for the advice and suggestions. I’m going to bring it up in this year’s Christmas card which is more of a long chatty letter (we’re that old). Meeting up isn’t an option as we are literally on opposite sides of the world now.

@Wavingwhiledrowning the idea of a party bag of rat has made me laugh so hard

We did it around this time a few years ago. It was the best thing we ever did. No junk gifted/recieved, and more money to spend on the children. I now have money to buy my husband and I a present!! Do it now op. Explain that there is nothing you want and that you should both go out for a meal instead.

I'm planning the same conversation for next year; I'm worried I've left it too late for this year but I'm struggling when I have family to think of first. I think they will be fine but it's still awkward lol

I’ve agreed with some of my friends that rather than gifts we put the money we’d spend plus some time and effort into doing something nice together like a meal or a day out. I’d address it now as I don’t think it’s too late yet.

Other side of the world...how about have a virtual coffee instead!

Set aside a date and time put kettle on and have a coffee and a proper chat together via Whats App Or Skype.

Sorry I never actually answered your question. Given it's something to be posted I'd let it go this year but say around spring time / mid summer that it's too costly esp with postage etc.

You're basically saying good bye to the friendship though if you do that.

Never to early, right now is the best time. You don't have to make it a personal thing to her, tell her you've been thinking that you don't need anything yourself and are cutting down on all your gift buying from now on for many reasons. So you don't want to give or receive gifts for Christmas from now on.

You're basically saying good bye to the friendship though if you do that.

That's one of the reasons why many would suggest a night out which she to distance isn't possible hence my suggestion of a virtual coffee instead.
Btw the virtual coffee was a reality in my life with a friend going through chemo when colds / bugs got in the way of a proper coffee!

I think you need to bring it up after Christmas or January.

But it's not really a friendship. What are you saying goodbye to? x

So you shed each other presents but don't ever see each other?

I'd just stop.

She might not even listen. Some people just love buying gifts regardless of whether you want one or not. It’s really annoying.

I used to exchange presents with a friend abroad and over the years it became increasingly difficult to find something different that wouldn't cost a fortune to send. Then a few years ago I hit on the idea of buying ourselves something we'd like instead, and we send each other a picture of what we've bought. She love the idea too and I think she was also relieved not to have to try to find a present for us. Would that work for you? I don't spend a lot, just buy something that I'd like and wouldn't normally buy for myself like a new cookery book.

Rocking

That is a great idea.

Well the entire friendship is based on this exchange of gifts, it seems. The friend might subscribe to the "gift" love language. If you tell her "let's not do gifts", when you are already not seeing each there any more; there will be nothing left to the friendship. If that is what OP wants that's fine. But I think the friend will see it as a friendship terminating move.