How to handle this year's presents?

[Justthistimethen]

Reading another thread on present buying just reminded me that we need to decide on what to do this year in the family. I know it's early but here it is...

Background:

We’ve a bit tight this year due to various. We’d love to be able to rein in the spending on presents at xmas this year.
The main people that we’ve always bought for on DH’s side of the family are:
FIL
MIL
SIL
BIL

The FIL/MILs are fairly easy to do but SIL and BIL always seem to expect quite high end stuff (think £100 each!). In the past we’ve gritted our teeth and done it, but this year we just can’t afford to.

SIL isn’t being cheeky I think, as she gives wonderful stuff back, but does like her luxury indulgences.

BIL I feel is far cheekier. In the past, have ignored me and DS and only ever gotten cheap stuff for DH, whilst sending wishlists for expensive things. BIL also has the best paid job out of them, just doesn’t like me and DS.

Last year we said not to get us anything, perhaps just DS so it’s fairer and more financially manageable.
SIL ignored this and got us some pretty expensive treats, which was v kind. So I’m thinking we need to return this year?
BIL completely ignored DS and just bought DH something. But still expected something expensive in return. I felt he was being a CF and also treating DS horribly. E.g. would spend the entire day blanking DS and me and pretending we don’t exist. It does upset me as DS is just a toddler - can't think what he could have against a toddler.

Question is, what is the fairest way to handle presents this year? DH insists on still getting BIL something to keep the peace.
We were originally going to set a £30 limit for everyone. But

1. Should we be spending more on SIL?
2. Should we spend the same on everyone even though BIL is a CF?
3. How should we bring up the subject with everyone?

SIL ignored this and got us some pretty expensive treats, which was v kind. So I’m thinking we need to return this year?

AND

DH insists on still getting BIL something to keep the peace

This is where you're going wrong. If you do not wish to continue to buy then you need to say so early on and stick to it. This means that yes there is the possibility someone will buy for you when you haven't bought for them, or that people might even think you're mean, a grinch, whatever. You have to work on not caring!

Honestly, it's the need to "keep the peace" ( seriously what's BIL going to do if he doesn't get an expensive gift??) or the fear of "what somebody might think" that traps people in the expensive gift exchange. Same applies to efforts to spend less. Decide what you're doing, communicate it and then stick with what you've decided. If other people decide to carry on despite the fact you've been clear about what you're doing then that's entirely their decision.

I know some might think it's easier said than done but if DH and I hadn't done this years ago we'd be buying for 40+ people!

Do what you want and can afford to do. They will do what they want and can afford to do. Adults who have the means to buy themselves whatever they want anyway are not what Christmas is all about. Don’t get your tinsel in a tangle over nonsense like this - it will only steal the magic from you [santa]

Yep - I echo Cantsleep say NOW that you & DH are not doing adult presents this year and don't expect anything for yourselves and DS. Then stick to it. Don't cave to the itch as the 25th gets closer.
Once you've done it this year it will get a lot easier year on year.

I would send out a message to everyone involved just saying that you are cutting back or stopping gift giving from now on. Do it sooner rather than later as some people start early.
If people get offended then tough, just keep firm and don’t give in if they start complaining.
The people I have suggested stopping gifts with are just as happy as me. The expense is beyond ridiculous and there’s so much angst about it.
If you don’t want to stop altogether then perhaps suggest a secret Santa type exchange

I would just send out a text saying no presents again this year please and stick to it. My resolve would come from remembering how BIL blanked my young child. If you really want to compromise in some way then suggest Secret Santa as a pp mentioned.

Just a side note, in recent weeks I’ve read loads of threads with in laws/family members who are demonstrably better off but expect really expensive gifts and send out lists etc. It’s awful. How self involved, entitled and materialistic ARE these people? How can they not notice they are putting their so called loved ones under unnecessary financial pressure? In most cases they can easily afford these luxury items but are happy to guilt family members into buying them even when told they haven’t got much money. I don’t get it.