First Christmas without Dad - tips for getting through

[shiveringtimber]

Not to spoil the festive spirit but I need fellow MNers advice, please.

My dad died earlier this year and even though it's only August, the DC and I are dreading the first Christmas without Dad/Grandad. It seems unimaginable that he won't be with us. I wish we could afford to go away but we can't. How to cope?

I found it helpful to remember that my dad wouldn't have wanted his grandchildren to have a miserable Christmas, but to be honest I think it's a case of gritting your teeth and trying to get through it. And if you need a wee cry during the day, take yourself off to the kitchen and 'check on the food' or whatever. All the firsts are so hard; the first Christmas, birthday, wedding anniversary etc.

Its hard shiveringtimber

My dd1died in October, dd2 was born early December the same year. Christmas was bloody awful, we didn't bother with a tree, decorations or even presents that year. I actually hate Christmas time, but as dd2 has got older, she is 4 in Dec I've had to make the effort for her.

The first year is hard, I'm sure your dad would want you all to have a nice day.
What are your plans for the day?

Sorry for your loss

I would try to do some things differently to avoid the constant comparison- but I’d also make time to have a moment about him too. Maybe a visit to his grave or his favourite place... or a service you attend if you’re religious...or a candle to symbolise the light he brought to your lives. Could you do a charity gift in his name? The likes of Mary’s Meals can provide a child a meal every day for a year for less than £15...

My dad died before I had my DC so my experience is different, but I would say to just be kind to yourselves. Don’t put pressure on yourselves to make everything magical, just go at your own pace. It will be sad, you will miss him, but it is absolutely ok to acknowledge that and have a bit of a cry. But it won’t all be shit. You’re allowed to still enjoy parts of it, it isn’t disrespectful to him to smile, laugh, dance - he wouldn’t want you to feel sad for the whole festive season. Just take it as it comes. Maybe planning something nice on his behalf would be a nice thing to try - if you like it, it could become an annual tradition for your family. Something as simple as donating to a charity in his memory, or a walk to a special place? As time goes on, you’ll be able to reminisce about past Christmases, and it will make you feel happy rather than hurting like it does now.
Wishing you all the best.

For me allowing myself to grieve is still important. I will on Xmas eve go to the crem and place flowers for both my parents, I will tell them my plans for Christmas Day. I will reminisce old memories and I will continue some of their traditions so they are still a part of my Christmas anyway (little things like a clean Christmas tea towel put out for Xmas morning after washing up and cleaning kitchen Xmas eve)

I'm so sorry for your loss

As a previous poster suggested- do things completely differently.

The first Christmas after my dad died we tried to carry on as normal, went to mums house as was tradition, with my 3 year old and other family members, even played the same Christmas classical music CD. We got through it, but it was miserable- there was just this big gaping hole at the table etc where he should have been.

The following Christmas we had at my house for the first time ever. I have to say it was brilliant- really happy and relaxing. We still had the same lovely dinner, crackers, Buck's Fizz etc, but it was all different. There was nothing to compare it to. The routine changed, the way dinner was cooked changed, everyone had a slightly different role to play in helping out..

It really made the difference. Your dad wouldn't want you all to feel sad on what should be a lovely day.
It's been 7 years for us now, things have got easier- I suppose we have a new normal....

We have an irish tradition where the youngest in the house lights a candle on Christmas Eve (to be placed in the window but we put it on the mantle) to show that there is room in our “Inn” for any weary travelers. As part of that, we have always in my family and still in our own family, had a few minutes to remember the bad and the good of the previous year and remember those no longer with us, which we finish by saying a prayer together. It is always a lovely peaceful few minutes of reflection and allows us to remember family no longer with us in a nice way.

@BiddyPop This sounds lovely. I know that Dad is still around (some might say it's wishful thinking) but definitely, mixing things up a bit this Christmas will help. Thank you everyone for your sympathy and encouragement.

Op I'm in the same boat.

Hand on heart I'm trying not to think about it. The numbers round my Christmas table seem to be depleting every other year, 3 gone in the last 6 years. All I can do is focus on the little people.
My mum has an incredible ability to do the show must go on, can't cancel Christmas, but we are all going to need to help each other through this one.