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Christmas

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Original poster

Not seeing relatives who live locally on Christmas Day

30 replies

Mardybummode · 05/07/2019 10:09

Apologies for the title

My parents live a ten minute drive away. My in-laws live 3 hours away.

I don’t have a great relationship with my parents. I don’t like my mum and wouldn’t choose to spend time with her although we do see her once every one-two weeks. My DH doesn’t like her either.

We have a 4 month old DD so she’ll be about 10 months at Christmas.

I had hoped that me and DH would spend Christmas Day and Christmas Eve on our own this year so we can start making traditions for DD and any future children we might have. However, my mum has said “we will come round Christmas Day afternoon” and me being a coward I didn’t say anything.

I do prefer spending time with my in-laws but last Christmas was probably a bit too long spent with them (lovely people but I got cabin fever towards the end), plus we’d have the logistics issue of presents, baby and what to do with the dog.

I’ve only got a small 2 bedroom house so hosting isn’t an option.

I’m not sure what to do. Am I unreasonable in not wanting to see my parents on Christmas Day? I’ll still see them over the Christmas period. I didn’t spend Christmas or New Year with them the year we got married and my mum kicked off about it in the January & February following, even though we did see them during the Christmas period

OP posts:

daisyboocantoo · 05/07/2019 10:11

Christmas Day is for our little family. Boxing Day is for relatives. I'm being quite strict about that this year.

Original poster

Mardybummode · 05/07/2019 10:20

@daisyboocantoo - what have your family said about it?

I don’t recall ever spending Christmas with my grandparents although we did live further away

OP posts:

ChicCroissant · 05/07/2019 10:24

It does seem a good time to set a new tradition with your baby at home.

If there is any chance of your mother not wanting to leave (pop round for coffee and mince pies in the afternoon) then I would suggest going round to hers with the mince pies for a brief visit. Easier to get away from somewhere than getting someone out of your own house IMO!

Have a fab first Christmas with your baby OP.

Giraffeinabox · 05/07/2019 10:27

Last year we were due to spend xmas day with my parents. However, my mum did something annoying to ruin plans me and my sister had and i didnt want to see her so we spent xmas day at home with DS who was 12 weeks at the time. Im so glad i did and will be doing this every year. They were a bit put out at the time.but we saw them a few days later and it was fineish. Completely over it now, forgotten by them (ill always remember what she did in the first place) and it taught me to say no to her every once in a while. Good luck, do whatever you want to do, you'll only regret it if you dont

Alsohuman · 05/07/2019 10:27

Surely Christmas is for families, you don’t stop being a family when your kids grow up. A couple of hours on Christmas afternoon for grandparents to see their grandchild doesn’t seem a big ask. I wouldn’t have been able to do that to my parents.

Whathappenedtooursummer · 05/07/2019 10:30

Just tell her that dh has made plans for Christmas and it's a surprise but you will see her boxing day...
(If you don't feel brave enough to say no bloody way!)

daisyboocantoo · 05/07/2019 11:01

@Mardybummode my parents did the same so it was never an issue. My in laws just accepted it (because I didn't give them any other options)

Original poster

Mardybummode · 05/07/2019 11:07

Thanks all!

She has a way of making me feel like I’m the worlds worst human and incredibly unreasonable. She also thinks that my husband is this laid back doormat when it’s his decision as well.

I don’t want DD to do stuff to just make Nanna happy. I’ve had that my all life.

I also don’t think it’s fair on DHs parents if my parents get the monopoly on christmases etc. MIL is saddened that she doesn’t get to see DD enough so in our minds seeing neither grandparent on Christmas Day seems fairer.

@Alsohuman - do you have a good relationship with your parents though?

OP posts:

Original poster

Mardybummode · 05/07/2019 11:20

@ChicCroissant - not so much that she won’t leave (that is an issue though) it’s just she’s not a nice person. We clash and she grinds on DH.

It won’t just be her that comes, it’ll be her, my dad, brother & sister. It’ll turn into me providing food and entertaining & hosting when I just want to spend time with my husband and baby.

OP posts:

Alsohuman · 05/07/2019 11:46

I had a wonderful relationship with my parents but I wouldn’t have done if I’d done things like refusing to see them on Christmas Day. The suggestion that you go to their house for a couple of hours is a good one.

My advice for managing difficult relationships is set boundaries and don’t give them any ammunition. So the boundary in this case would be you go to them, make it clear repeatedly in advance that it’s for a cup of tea and a slice of Christmas cake and you’re leaving at the time you’ve told them. Your mum knows what to expect and you’ve given her no grounds for months of whining.

You must be able to see that she wants to see her granddaughter on Christmas Day, she loves her too.

ChicCroissant · 05/07/2019 12:39

I would definitely suggest calling into her house for an hour then!

Original poster

Mardybummode · 05/07/2019 15:11

@ChicCroissant - I should have mentioned that they have yapping dogs, one of which isn’t house trained and isn’t good with children so we don’t like going over. We haven’t been over with DD for that reason but they’ll just have to be shut away for the hour...

OP posts:

Allthepinkunicorns · 05/07/2019 17:07

Don't go anywhere that you don't want to on Christmas day. You can see your mum all over the Christmas period. I always stay at home on Christmas day with my dh and ds. I offer both my parents and my mil the chance to come to ours for Christmas dinner and if they decline the offer then I see family either before or after and they have come to except it.

S1naidSucks · 05/07/2019 17:44

OP, those with nice parents will never get it. If you want a different life for your daughter, then you need to stand up to your mother. Tell her that she can’t come on Xmas day as you want to have your first Xmas with your child and husband, ALL DAY. Don’t apologise, because she will see that as a weakness and bully/manipulate you into backing down. Do you want your Xmas day going onwards to be one where your child sees her mother being treated like shit? This is the hardest step, but once you do it, it gets easier. Don’t let the flying monkeys bully you into backing down either. They’re only doing that because it takes the pressure off them and you in her target sight.

I think you have to decide which is more important, pissing off your nasty mother or supporting your own husband and child.

S1naidSucks · 05/07/2019 17:46

By the way, you know she would just spend Xmas day criticising your child’s presents and your parenting skills, don’t you?

Alsohuman · 05/07/2019 18:05

Nice projection there @S1naidSucks. Nothing OP’s said gives you any grounds for your last post.

S1naidSucks · 05/07/2019 18:14

Nothing OP’s said gives you any grounds for your last post.

Nope, nothing whatsoever to suggest that her mother won’t use this as an opportunity to make her daughter feel bad. 🙄

it’s just she’s not a nice person. We clash and she grinds on DH.

She has a way of making me feel like I’m the worlds worst human and incredibly unreasonable. She also thinks that my husband is this laid back doormat when it’s his decision as well.

HJWT · 05/07/2019 18:16

@Mardybummode I have a great relationship with my DM but I don't see her on Christmas day, I spend it with DH and DD this year there will be DS also!

When people say you are being unreasonable over these sorts of thins the only person being unreasonable is them for trying to make you feel like shit to make them self happy...

Send her a text Hi DM me and DH have decided we would like to spend Christmas day alone with DD but you are more than welcome to come over boxing day morning or afternoon (which ever is better for you)

And if she text back with disgust just say I am sorry you feel that way but DH and I are going to do what we feel is best and what will make us happy and relaxed on the day...

If she pisses you of so much it won't matter if she falls out with you 🤣🤣

HJWT · 05/07/2019 18:17

@Mardybummode I have a great relationship with my DM but I don't see her on Christmas day, I spend it with DH and DD this year there will be DS also!

When people say you are being unreasonable over these sorts of thins the only person being unreasonable is them for trying to make you feel like shit to make them self happy...

And if she text back with disgust just say I am sorry you feel that way but DH and I are going to do what we feel is best and what will make us happy and relaxed on the day...

If she pisses you of so much it won't matter if she falls out with you 🤣🤣

Harveywallplanner · 05/07/2019 19:25

As this is your first year with your own dd (our little family makes me cringe) start as you mean to go on or you’ll be stuck forever more.
People might go in the huff but stand firm.

Original poster

Mardybummode · 06/07/2019 07:18

Thanks again everyone one

@S1naidSucks - you are so right about apologising. She will never accept an apology and always holds grudges. An apology is more reason for her to stick the boot in

We fell out during my pregnancy as she was being so difficult and demanding. I was standing up to her and putting my foot down and she really didn’t like it.

I know DH won’t want to go to theirs and I feel like her coming over it’s prioritising her happiness over ours (something she would never do if the other way around)

OP posts:

SnuggyBuggy · 06/07/2019 07:25

Would they be happy with a walk instead? That way you have the option of just leaving and going home when it gets too much.

Namechangedzzz · 06/07/2019 07:46

@Mardybummode Our first Christmas with DC was awful. Both sets of parents live locally, we spent morning with one ("Surely you don't have to go yet?!") and afternoon with the other (texting all morning saying we are waiting to do xxxx when you arrive).

After that we said Christmas day is just for us and since then it has been BLISS!!! The next year we stayed in our PJ's for as long as we wanted and had Christmas lunch at 11:30am as that is when DC would eat! We also had some quality time when DC had a nap in the afternoon In subsequent years DC has spent ages playing with stocking toys and then unwrapping something and playing with it and not being rushed to unwrap the next thing. Soooo much better than having to unwrap things in front of everyone because they can play how they want with each thing.

I think @SnuggyBuggy has a great idea. Meet them for a walk on boxing Day or Christmas Eve. Your mum shouldn't call the shots here , especially if neither you or she like spending time with her. Be brave and if you think you will be railroaded then send a text from you and dh.

Good luck. Be strong with dh

Original poster

Mardybummode · 06/07/2019 11:44

@SnuggyBuggy - I like the idea of a walk although my mum wouldn’t. She doesn’t walk her own dogs. We could do something on Christmas Eve during the day though.

@Namechangedzzz - that sounds so stressful! How did both sets of parents take it?

I hosted NYD this year at mine when I was pregnant with DD as I really didn’t want to go theirs. I suggested going out to a meal instead which they didn’t want to do so I suggested they came to ours. She was really offended that I didn’t go to theirs but they actually had fun and everyone played games rather than sat on their iPads ignoring us. I just don’t want to host Christmas that way.

OP posts:

Namechangedzzz · 06/07/2019 12:42

The key was giving them lots of notice. Tell them now! I found I had to nip things in the bud once I had DC so they did not become 'tradition' and what we have always done.

My parents were fine. As long as they see us all at some point over the Christmas holiday they would be fine. So now on Christmas day we tend to phone them at some point and WhatsApp a photo if appropriate i.e. dressing up in a new costume. We may see them on Christmas Eve for a carol service or something like that or on boxing day for tea and cake or walk or play in the park... It is brilliant. Very low key. Quality time.

My pil on the other hand... Things were a bit tense anyway as mil loves to be in control. So we got pointed remarks and text messages loaded with emotional blackmail preceding and on the day. But to honest other things escalated with them and mil's need for control over us and our DC and we are no contact.

The most amazing Christmas to ourselves after the previous year running ragged trying to please everyone else just cemented that we were doing the right thing.

Our DC have a great Christmas day now. No pressure. Very child led and go with the flow. If they are grumpy and need a walk we do, if they want to just play that's fine, I really recommend it!!!

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