How to stop gifting people we never see?

[MilkyCuppa]

At DH’s sister’s wedding we met her husband’s parents. We’ve met them at other family events another 3-4 times. And about four years ago they joined us (and SIL, BIL and niece) at MIL’s house for Christmas (they normally go to their other son but he decided to go on holiday that year).

This is where the trouble started. They came for Christmas dinner so it seemed polite to buy them a gift. Then they sent us a gift via SIL the following year so we had to scuffle around to find a gift to send back. Now we’re stuck in an expensive cycle of gifting them every year.

We can’t really afford it. Especially not since we had a baby. We buy gifts for enough people as it is. The last time we saw them was nearly two years ago. We will probably see them again at some point but I don’t know when, and we don’t stay in touch with them at all except when we’re obliged to reciprocate their Christmas gift.

Part of the problem is that they’re “posh” so MIL wants to send them a posh gift. A couple of years ago she suggested that they were obviously going to send us a gift again so we should just give her some cash towards a nice hamper for them. So DH gave her half the money for a Fortnum & Mason hamper that she couldn’t have afforded on her own. And now she’s asking us for cash every Christmas so she can buy them an equally posh hamper. They’re MIL’s in-laws if she wants to give them a gift but they aren’t really anything to do with us so I don’t want to keep forking out.

Do we just refuse to give MIL any money? DH is worried they’ll still send us a gift. MIL is furious that we haven’t coughed up. And we don’t want to annoy SIL because they’re her in-laws.

You just stop - they may well want to stop too.
Always send a lovely card. If you do happen to see them around Christmas or their birthday, such as if they are having a family gathering, flowers and decent wine are always welcome.

Just no ... dont do it , its madness.

Great, so we stop. How do we tell MIL that we won’t be contributing towards a hamper for them and if she wants to send one she’ll have to buy it herself? And what do we do if they still send us a gift!

Your DH says mum we can’t afford to chip in to the hamper for x and y.

Write a thank you for their gift and say in it that due to baby things have changed for you and you’re sorry you won’t be able to reciprocate going forward.

Mil - No we are not contributing to these peoples gifts. We don't know them or see them. We have a better relationship with the woman who works in tesco than these random people. If you want to continue, up to you.

To stop the gifts how about have a conversation with your bil and ask him nicely to get his parents to stop sending you gifts. If pushed say that you are only buying for the close family. If they then ignore this and still send you something this is entirely their issue.

The problem is that DH won’t want to lose face with his sister and mother by admitting that he’s not well off and can’t chip in to a hamper.

BIL’s parents live 250 miles away so we aren’t going to run into them unless they’re down here visiting SIL and BIL and we happen to be also invited over for some family event.

I feel awful because they’re so kind and lovely, and last time they came down they treated us all to afternoon tea for their granddaughter’s 1st birthday. We just don’t have the money to keep gifting them every Christmas. DH thinks I’m being mean and Christmas is about giving. But we can’t afford it unless we cut back elsewhere and tbh I’d prefer to cut their gift because we never see them.

I would send a card saying, "No gift this year but wish you all the best for the festive season", or something like that. Maybe enclose a photo of you both with your new baby with something written on the back eg. Baby XXX was born xxxx. If I was them, this would be fine.

As for mil, I would maybe give her some ideas for something she can give them, so you're still helping her out but not financially.

Then tell him clearly - he either prioritises you and his child or some random people. This craziness has to end now and so bloody what if he loses face. Any supportive family should say oh ok, not add pressure.

Or if he's really hell bent on giving these people a gift - ok but it means his mum, sis, bil, and himself get nothing this year as you cannot afford both. The niece gets a small token gift.

Or better yet. It's his sister's relatives, they can chip on for this ridiculous gift.

Either way he has to face up to the reality of the financial situation.

DH’s sister already buys gifts for her inlaws. We gifted them ONCE because their son who lives round the corner was on holiday at Christmas, so they travelled 250 miles down here as a one-off to stay with BIL their other son, and it seemed rude not to gift them when we’d be seeing them. But we can’t afford to continue every year.

It’s definitely financial help that MIL wants, not ideas. Our contribution doubles the value (and poshness) of the gift she’s able to send. She’s related to them though - they share a granddaughter. We aren’t really related.

Nightmare! I'd go down the road of sorry can't afford big gifts this year we'll sort our own out and get a box of chocolates or biscuits.

I think you’re right and your DH is also right. You can’t afford to contribute to the Fortnum’s hamper and Christmas is about giving.

Plus from how you describe them, it’s good to have this kind of person in your life.

There’s a way to reflect all those things.

So don’t contribute to the hamper. But do send them a more budget conscious, yet thoughtful gift. Home made fudge, biscuits or jam. That kind of thing.

Put a little bit of thought and effort into it. So tie up the bag of fudge in a nice ribbon, or put a bow on a pretty jam jar.

Include a nice card and get your baby to sign it too (a foot or hand print). If they’re the generous, decent, thoughtful people you think they are, they will get it and understand. In future years, pop in a little drawing by your child.

If they don’t get it and don’t understand, stop sending a gift or act weird, they weren’t worth it anyway.

@TheChristmasBear has it exactly.

They sound nice, and you've formed a connection. It's the connection that matters, not the financial value of the gift. Older, well-off people generally don't want lovely younger people they feel fondly towards spending money they don't have to buy an unneeded gift!

Homemade fudge, or if budget allows, a tiny photobook of your new baby (a flat A6 one costs a few pounds) would be perfect. This resets the expectation, and from next year you could even just send them a nice personal, hand-written letter in the card along with a drawing from your child.

I think your actual problem is MIL. Has she already bought the hamper?

Oh, and if they send you a gift don't worry about it! This is how boundaries are reset.

Although they may like to still give you something: gifts don't actually have to be reciprocated with something of equal value, especially across different generations. Otherwise it's a swap, not a gift!