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Christmas

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Original poster

Family refusing to come for Christmas - really upset

18 replies

Candyapple47 · 09/12/2018 20:21

A bit of background - this year has been particularly difficult. I left my partner of 25 years for a very brief period, due to his depression and increasing aggression towards me. I knew that his behaviour was not really him, he's never lifted a hand to me before, but I couldn't get through to him. I felt that the only way for him to see he needed help was to leave. It did the trick, and he has since been to his GP, is on medication, has been signed off work and is seeing a counsellor. I have since moved back home and things are much better. His work is very challenging and he had been letting things get on top of him.

The only place I had to go when I left was a family members house, and I had to explain to them why I'd left. They were obviously very concerned and didn't want me to return home, but said they understood why I wasn't ready to give up on a 20 year relationship.

I normally do a family Christmas, have everyone round for dinner 16 people plus (for the last 10 years), but this year, all but 4 of them have declined to come. I'm really upset because I assume it's because of what's happened this year.

It's really upset me because I can't help but think - this is one of the reasons why people don't say anything when domestic violence is an issue in a relationship (extremely mild in this case by the way), not that I'm excusing what he done, just trying to give you a bit of context. I now feel that by telling them what happened, I have isolated myself, because no one wants to come near now. I feel more alone than ever.

OP posts:

Concernedaboutgran · 09/12/2018 21:45

I'm sorry that you're upset but I wouldn't be able to come over for Christmas and play happy families with someone like him either. You chose to stay with him, your family don't have to.

Justmuddlingalong · 09/12/2018 21:48

Maybe after 10 years of Christmas at yours, and the stressful time you've had, they see it as an opportunity to do something different.

Babygrey7 · 09/12/2018 21:52

I have a friend with an abusive husband, she excuses him like you do (he's tired, he's not himself, it is not his fault) and I see her alone but don't like going to diner at hers as I cannot bear to go along with the charade (and I worry the stress of dinner prep will get him agrressive/violent towards her)

I just cannot sit there and smile and pretend I don't see him raise his fist in anger when he thinks nobody is looking...

Babygrey7 · 09/12/2018 21:54

Apparently he never actually hits her though she had a black eye a month ago, and I simply cannot bear it

Going along and pretending everything is fine would be like encouraging her to stay with him

Does that make sense

Summergarden · 09/12/2018 21:55

Oh dear, I’m sorry about this situation. It sounds like you’ve had a tough year. At least a few relatives have said they will come. Hopefully in time your partner will prove himself that he can be trusted again by your family and if you both see them at other times of the year then they may well feel. Ore comfortable about coming back to you 8n future years.

I do understand it must feel upsetting and isolating to you, but please keep your relationship going with them as you never know when you may need them again.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/12/2018 21:57

You are making excuses for him. Lots of people have very stressful times at work. And depression. And both. There’s no excuse for abuse or violence to your partner.

It’s your choice to stay but I wouldn’t be going along and ruining my own Christmas by pretending I think it’s okay.

I wish you luck. You’ll need it. People can make whatever decisions they wish for how they spend their Christmas. They’re choosing something else this year. They don’t owe you their presence.

Stompythedinosaur · 09/12/2018 21:58

I wouldn't enjoy spending Christmas with an abuser so I can see your family's point tbh. I wouldn't matter to me how "mild" the domestic abuse is, as there is no amount that is acceptable.

I think that you making excuses for him and it must be painful for your family. I bet they just want you to be safe.

XiCi · 09/12/2018 22:07

I don't think I could sit and play happy families with an abuser. I'd be sat seething at him and also worry that id have a few drinks and say something to him thereby ruining everyone's xmas.

bringbackthestripes · 09/12/2018 22:13

I wouldn’t want to share a table with someone who had been aggressive/abusive to a member of my family that I love dearly.

It is all very recent, you have forgiven him, they have not. I’m sorry it has made you feel isolated, have you tried to arrange a meet up with anyone away from your home? Just yourself I mean not with OH.

CottonTailRabbit · 09/12/2018 22:14

I agree with what everyone else said above but there's also a simpler explanation.

When you and he split up everyone realised they'd need to make other arrangements for Christmas. When you got back together and then invited everyone for Christmas they had other arrangements. They also knew you had had a horrific year under incredible stress, so obvioualy they'd assume the invitation was you just being polite while obviously not wanting the additonal stress of Christmas for 16 when your DH is so ill he can't work. They would have been rude to accept.

Hohocabbage · 10/12/2018 07:00

It’s not you they don’t want to come near it’s your husband.
Can I ask, if there is another incident of abuse will you leave him for good? Or will he get more chances? I think it is important you decide where your boundaries lie now while things still feel good. Just in case.

richierichardsaunt · 10/12/2018 07:18

Just to say please don't take the blame for this.

They'd still be coming if I hadn't caused all this drama.

If I'd just let us deal with this privately.

I've been there. You can't blame people for not wanting to be around an abuser. Sorry.

SuperSuperSuper · 10/12/2018 08:39

A massive gathering at what can be a fraught time of year when he's signed off work and receiving counselling doesn't sound great. Maybe it's for the best OP. Someone might drunkenly say something to set him off, and you'll bear the brunt when they've all gone home.

You didn't ask for opnions on your general situation and this isn't the Relationships board - but I have to say it - if he attacks you again, please get rid of him.

ReflectentMonatomism · 10/12/2018 08:45

he has since been to his GP, is on medication, has been signed off work and is seeing a counsellor.

I wouldn't spend Christmas with an aggressive man whose partner had felt so threatened they moved out, and was now off work. Christmas is stressful at the best of time, houses full of people are stressful at the best of times, there's a lot of alcohol, petty disputes and disturbed sleeping. Partly it would be selfish, as I don't particularly want to spend Christmas tip-toeing around someone who is potentially unstable, partly it would be thinking of their partner, as I wouldn't want to provoke more instability, and partly it would be for the person themselves, because a house with 16 people in it sounds hellish.

If my children were still small (you don't say what the makeup of the attendees is) then I certainly wouldn't put them in that position.

"AIBU: my relative's partner is aggressive to the point my relative has moved out for a period. She is now back with him, but he is signed off work, medicated and being counselled. She wants me and my children to spend Christmas with them. AIBU to have made other plans?"

Windybob · 10/12/2018 09:53

Really don't know what to say, but can completely understand why you're upset. It's a real shame that at a time you need your family around you the most, they're unable or perhaps unwilling to be there.

I'm not going blame or shame you for staying with your partner, like many other replies have. I believe situations like this are vastly complicated and intrinsically individual, meaning there's never a singular solution or clear-cut answers and actions. All I wish is that you and your partner work things out it returns to being a happy and safe relationship.

Everyone is saying they wouldn't want to visit you because it'll ruin THEIR Christmas. What about supporting people's who've had it worse? What about compassion and goodwill?

I don't think it's unreasonable to support someone who needs it at Christmas, even if it's the expense of your own comfort. Especially as you supported your partner through what sounds like a incredibly challenging period, at the expense of yours.

For an actual suggestion, the only thing I can suggest is asking if you can join one part of the family for Christmas. Explain the situation, perhaps agree on some ground rules (like restricting alcohol if it's a trigger, a contingency plan if things do start to get a little hairy).

It may be that some time together might help between you and your partner, but only if it means you're going to be safe, which is even more reason to have family around you if you don't feel it!

CottonTailRabbit · 10/12/2018 11:55

You are correct that many women keep abuse a secret because they know that others won't forgive it and pretend nothing is going on if the woman decides to brush it under the carpet herself.

You blame your misery on the people you told about the abuse for not pretending everything is normal, according to your schedule. Do you see how wrong your thinking is?

Why not call them and talk? Are you afraid they will say things you don't want to hear?

Shouldn't you be bloody furious at your DH for making it impossible for all 16 to come to you? That's where the blame lies but you seem to be blaming everyone (including yourself) except him.

Alib84 · 12/12/2018 00:10

Windybob as a child i had to witness my dad abuse my mum time and again. She always made excuses for him. He is tired. In pain. Depressed. Etc etc. And at times like Christmas etc he was a ticking time bomb. All nice in front of people, but would start to get louder etc as became irritated. Then once guests had gone would take it out on my mum. Someone has looked at him funny. Said something wrong.... Never his fault, he couldn't help it.

So for me i would 100% not go as would not put my own 3 children in that situation. Never. As Christmas can be stressful enough especially with that many people.

So for op I hope it never happens again but please don't make excuses. Depression is not an excuse for domestic violence. Ever.

I think family are doing the right thing by letting you have a quieter christmas.

Hohocabbage · 12/12/2018 07:11

Wow windybob What about supporting people's who've had it worse by this do you mean the OP and her abuser? Firstly, you’ve no idea what kind of year the rest of the family have had. Secondly, support for OP sure, but it would go against every instinct I have to support someone who had hurt someone I love, and who in all probability will do it again.

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