Christmas gifts - how do I stop this?

[danni1979]

I have an unusual relationship with my mum. I was bought up by my dad and saw my mum at weekends. In adulthood, the relationship is ok, strained but ok. I keep things on track for the sake of my children (she’s stopped talking to my brothers wife and children...long story). Anyway, she’s often falling into debt and I’ve bailed her out before. She just about gets by now but is overgenerous with gifts and it’s driving me bananas. She turns up with high end beauty boxes (I don’t wear any make up, i never have and have no desire to in the future)...and I know she is either struggling to afford it or getting into debt again. I was diplomatic last Christmas and said it was very kind but too much. More turned up for my birthday, a random gift in the summer and now a high end beauty advent calendar. Each time I’ve said that it’s too much and kindly asked not to buy more. I feel sick knowing she can’t afford it and it’s wasted on me. The products are piling up unused. I asked my uncle (her brother) how to handle it and he said accept it as she’s vulnerable (she’s had depression in the past) which has now made me feel worse. I feel a mixture of ungrateful, worry, embarrassed, angry and just don’t know what to do to stop this madness which seems to becoming a habit. I’m dreading Christmas and more beauty gifts that turn up. Any advice on how to handle this?

I make my mum return stuff. Harsh but she can’t keep wasting money. After a while she will get the message.

From experience of being in your shoes it sounds like she’s full of guilt from your childhood and buying gifts to try and replace that somehow. Just explain to her you’d rather she spent the money on your children or a day out together and consider sending those unwanted gifts to a women’s refuge or charity. As she’s fallen out with your brother it sounds like she’s desperately lonely and scared of losing you.

What about suggesting something you would like. I agree that she's overcompensating because of your childhood so I think she won't be able to buy you nothing. What about suggesting an afternoon together where you can choose something

Her inappropriate gift giving is probably a psychological minefield of emotional problems tied up in guilt, self esteem and financial management issues. Without an experienced therapist to mediate I wouldn’t tackle it at all! Would you consider just accepting the gifts graciously and then return/sell them and put the money aside for when you have to bail her out again? I know that puts you in the role of a parent to her, and that’s painful, but in this case it doesn’t sound like she’s coming from a logical, adult position.

Oh gosh @Alanamackree I wish I’d read your comment first. I’ve said thank you for the beautiful overly generous gift but wondered if she might like it herself or consider regifting, as it’s wasted on me (with not using make-up/products).
I now have radio-silence :-(
I thought it was the right thing to do, to tell the truth....but now I’m seriously doubting myself. I’ve clearly upset her. I thought I was the logical one, but now I feel terrible. That was never my intention.

Sell the contents on eBay-they fly out. Use the money to do her a basic shop over christmas?

May be the best option...use it as bailing out money :-/

Danni there’s nothing wrong with what you said; it was perfectly reasonable. Her reaction is off kilter but I think you need to give her space to have it, without entangling your feelings too much (easier said than done, of course). You can be considerate but you can’t be responsible for how she feels and reacts if that makes sense.

You're not responsible for fixing your mum's feeling, but I do understand the underlying fear of upsetting her and sending her over the edge.

Could you request something in lieu of an actual present- ask her to do something for you, or go somewhere with you?

Me again. You will find some fantastic support if you post on the relationships board. The people here are lovely too, but relationships is maybe the best place to get support and advice on your relationship with your DM.

You shouldn't feel awful. All of the original feelings you listed, are valid. I would feel them all too. I also would have to say something to her about it.

I don't know how she can justify that gift as, clearly, she can't afford it and it isn't a gift with you in mind - as you wouldn't use it. AND it's not as if it's the first time.

I think you did the right thing, broaching it with her. She has put you in this position. If she chooses to sulk over it, so be it.

💐💐💐

Can’t believe how wonderfully kind and supportive you all are, thank you so much. I’ve played it over a thousand times in my mind, did I say the right thing, could I have handled it better etc. I’m trying to take a brave pill and see what happens (before leaping in to make her feel better, and not achieving what I set out to achieve). My mum is supposed to be visiting today (planned before the gift situation!) so we’ll see if she turns up and try and keep things sensible.

Thank you again x

Hope all went well today with your mum OP. I know how easy it is to try feel responsible for a parent in this situation, and how uncomfortable it feels when they are 'upset' with you- sending your way.

How did it go yesterday OP?

Well she didn’t turn up :-( Can’t say I was surprised. With it being so near to Christmas, I didn’t want it to stay awkward so invited her to come over yesterday and decorate the Christmas tree with the kids (trying distraction tactics). She didn’t visit, although had other plans. I invited her again today, said the kids wanted to show her their tree and thankfully she stopped by for a few minutes before she went for an evening out....so I think we’ve made progress. It was awkward and uncomfortable but the kids didn’t pick up on it and hopefully things will improve. Not sure what I’ve achieved or learnt, but think overall I’ve done the right thing. Thanks again for all your thoughts and advice x