Down in the dumps about xmas

[KTMP16]

My little one is at his Dads xmas eve and xmas morning this year and the thought of it has been making me so miserable already :-(
We split when i was preg and little ones jsut turned 5. Generally sh*t with contact, no regularity, always changing/cancelling plans etc.
Hes had a girlfriend for about a year and lives with her and her son so they are part of my childs life now too which i do accept - tbh shes made him step up and be a better father and i know my child loves her - but im struggling abit with this whole "other family" set up especially with Christmas drawing near. Shes taking him to a Christmas party tomoro (in nov = crazy!) and they have asked to have him on 1st Dec to put the tree up. I feel like they are getting in there first with all the christmassy stuff that i wanna be doing with him and my kids gonna be like "iv already seen santa tho" and "oh i already did this with my daddy"

I feel really resentful - especially after how shit this guy has been in the past - i mean one xmas he didnt even bother 2 see his kid "oh iv no money for a taxi and im not biking it cos its raining" and then 2yrs ago demanding "Im having xmas morning, im his dad i have rights" eurgh

What are peoples thoughts? Do you see what i mean or am i just being daft? Tried talking to the other half about it but he just didnt see why i was upset over any of it
Christmas is such a shit times for familes split :/ I dont know how other familes seem to cope so well

I see why you’re resentful, I would be too but what an amazing mum you are to let your child do these things even though your ex has been a dick.

What nice things do you have planned with your DC over christmas? Try and focus on that.

Agree with big, try to focus on what you have rather than what you are missing out on. Your ds will be back with you in the afternoon?
I was separated from my ex for two christmases and he was a bit of a grinch so was happy for me to have my ds most of the day, as long as he saw him at some point.

Obviously there was stuff i wanted to do like making an event of putting the tree up...seeing santa etc
theyv not give me much bloody chance with a christmas party n seeing santa in Nov and tree on 1st Dec (im leaving it til the weekend after as we have my partners daughter every other weekend and do it the 4 of us)

I do Elf on the Shelf who brings calendars and the odd thing like a new Christmas book...and christmas themed arts n crafts stuff to do...aswell as doing the usual silly stuff
I need to think of other things to do but its somehow started feeling like a competition now :-s
The thought of Chrismas morning without him makes me cry! Last time was when he was on 3 and he just was exhausted, fell asleep as soon as i picked him up an after a 2hr nap really wasnt fussed with his big pile of pressies at mine :-/

It must be so difficult gritting your teeth regarding your ex's past behaviour and it sounds as if you have done so well. You have put your son's needs first despite your ex.

I think you need to start making some Christmas plans with your son. Invite christmas glasses, hats and watch a film Christmas film. Make a gingerbread house, book a panto. Don't make it a competition, but there is no need to feel left out.

If you don't feel comfortable with Christmas eve AND Christmas morning then perhaps look into changing it. Maybe suggest Christmas eve and you have Christmas day.

To be honest, if I had a half-arsed ex who hadn't taken much interest in our child, I wouldn't let him have the child for Christmas. I would let him see the child, obviously, but not Christmas morning.

Can you do Christmas morning on Boxing Day if he’s too tired on Christmas Day?

We used to do that and LOVED it. The excitement of two Christmas eves and two Christmas mornings was brilliant.

It’s going to be hard for you, there’s no doubt about it but you’ll get through it. I hope you have a lovely time together.

Gosh yes its been so difficult gritting my teeth over things - the mind games are unreal - even years later i sit here going "am i being unreasonable" cos he makes me feel like i am! I see things from both sides since being in a relationship with my partner who has a daughter so i can usually be quite balanced. Id never dream of saying no to Christmas Day!! We decided that half a day each was fair - we do the same for birthdays - his birthdays Oct so whoever gets the birthday morning the other gets Xmas morning (if that makes sense) Its a faff tho and only gettin more complicated now hes older but i dont see a fair alternative.

Aww hugs, when i split from my ex i never let my older boys go there xmas eve ive always had them we just take turns for the dinner and they stayed there xmas night.it worked well and my boys wanted it that way.im lucky me and my new husband have 3 children together but before i had them was hard when my boys went away
I see how hard it is, it must break your heart ,id feel the same way u do ,i think u should talk to your ex and make it more fair like u have him xmas eve and part of the morning then he can have him later in the morning ,would he be ok with that? My ex always had a go at changing my boys minds to stay with him xmas eve, they never did they x

Op- cant say I know how you feel. Sounds incredibly difficult but on the plus side at least your Dcs dad wants to be involved. You will always be his mum, and your house will be his home. You will have the chance to create the xmas spirit more than a few days at dads. Can you organise something nice with friends/ family for Xmas eve/ xmas morning? Like go to a pub for a few drinks? Have some non parents (assumptions here) round for xmas eve drinks? Do something you wouldn't /couldn't do with dc in tow? A spa night xmas eve? I don't know I'm dreaming now .......

Non parents....nopeeee dont think i know any of those anymore :P
Me n my boy are the biggest softarses major attachment issues i literally not learn to "enjoy me time" People use to tell me eventualy id welcome the break etc but its not happened yet it still makes me feel like im missing an arm when hes away from me.

I dont know whats happening for the rest of the Christmas period because theres no regular contact pattern (he just sort of decides when he want see him n lets me know :-s
So im thinking Christmas Eve morning he will most likely be with me and just take him to his Dads at say 3-4pm or something.
(We have a family tradition to go out for a meal xmas eve so 2yr ago my mum changed this 2 a lunchtime meal so we cud still do it even tho he was going 2 his dads later on)

Angel - id actually be happy with that arrangement!
Im all about the excitement of xmas eve & magic of xmas morning!!
I know some people make a big deal of the meal part but that doesnt interest/bother me one bit - id be happy for him to go in the afternoon..
Im pretty sure his dad wouldnt go for that idea tho & we dont communicate well at the best of times

He proper irritates me...its like he just plays at it or does it to like impress his girlfriend - started out happy for an hr on xmas day, then missed the day entirely...and then starts on about fathers rights and demanding half the day. Hes same with other stuff aswell....told me he wanted to be involved in Nursery...turned up 2 one parents evening (little un was very unnerved like whys daddy here am i in trouble?!) missed his assemblies and his nativity then for some reason decided at the end of term that sports day was super important and both him and the gf wud be going! So i said i didnt want her there cos it was odd cos theyd not bothered about owt else all year.
Just wish he knew what consistency means!!
Anyhowwww i think i went slightly off topic there............

I would suggest that you continue to do your traditions with him regardless. Don’t try and make them better. Just do what you’ve always done. It’s the repetition, year on year, that is important, not the wow factor.

It’s lovely that she wants to include your DS and sees him as part of her family. She sounds like a very decent person and I think you’re absolutely right that the efforts he’s now making are about her. Whether to impress her or because she just takes decent parenting for granted and hasn’t seen his true colours yet

But there is no comparison between the loving consistency and emotional security that you provide and a few wow moments. You’re the person he feels safe and secure with and can fall asleep with to recover from the emotional upheaval.

Christmas aside, it sounds to me that you’re quite afraid of your ex at some level, and complying with his demands to avoid his anger. Is there a way of mediating contact so you don’t have to interact with him directly? I don’t know how these things work. But I t seems that you both need another layer of protection from this man, and he needs to understand that he doesn’t have any rights; your ds does.

I wish I could give you more than emoji flowers. I know exactly what you mean about feeling like you’ve lost an arm. I can’t even imagine my dc not being around for Christmas.

I would do Christmas day on Christmas eve so he does all the presents at yours first. There's no rule book that says they have to come on Christmas day and if you make a big thing of writing a letter to santa asking him to deliver them a day early then I'm sure your ds doubt question it.

Fwiw, in the 9yrs since dh and his ex split we have never had her Christmas morning. Mum's choice and tbf, she is the main carer and has to do the school runs, homework, illness care and all that least we can do is give her that. Sdd usually comes either for lunch or after lunch and it's always fine.

I can understand how you feel, but I think you can still give your son a great Christmas. I'd do Christmas Eve for presents too - tell him you've asked Santa to pop by early, maybe keep a few things back for when he comes home. That way he can have all the excitement at your house and know he's coming back to all his presents when he comes home. There's no end of Christmas stuff you can do with him before then - making decorations, advent calendar/candle, Christmas films, pantomime, going to see the lights. Put your tree up a bit later so he can enjoy doing it with you. You can have a lie in on Christmas morning and have a lovely lunch ready for him when he comes home.

Last time he was at his dads in the morning i found his dad had bought him the exact same pressie as i had (he knew full well as we had talked about what we were getting) sooooo i had our elf bring it on xmas eve morning as it was his last day with us ;-) :-)

alana very sweet message, the gf is alreet TBF... i appreciate her involving him etc i do speak 2 her quite abit..she just needs to like not step on toes.... she feels abit ott at times (like dressing my son & her son the same going out for tea lol)

ducking What does FWIW stand for?? MY partner & his ex have court ordered access for his daughter so it sort of makes sense to do the same with my son. It just didnt occur to me it was something i could argue about to get xmas mornings! I just feel like they dont respect me at all and just do as they like!

I want to say thankyou to all of you for the lovely messages - i shall try and focus on the positives and making happy memories and at the end of the day hes my boy and you only get one mum!

Do your Xmas Day on Xmas eve x
That'll throw them.

I agree with Duckling ( by the way FWIW means for what it's worth). Do Christmas on Christmas Eve. Your DS doesn't know what the date is - have a wonderful day on Christmas Eve and then hand him over to the dad. As a mother you have to be devious sometimes !

Its so tempting but i really dont think i can do it morally...
I've always said id put my son first and do whats best for him
So in truth he will have a fantastic time on xmas morning no matter where he is hel be spoilt rotten with loads of pressies 2 open
Itl jsut be me hurtin til lunchtime
I dont think i need to be devious or spend so much i bankrupt myself - being myself is enough because im the Mum :-D