Christmas present budget

[Oneinthegrave]

DP has a 7 year old DS and we have a 1 year old DS. We have DSS during the week and every other weekend as well as every sunday. We alternate christmas. With christmas coming up, DP asked what budget we’re setting for both the children to make sure they get an equal amount spent on them. I think this is probably fair this year as DS is only 1 and most of his ‘presents’ is just money into his savings account. However, going forward I don’t feel this is very fair?

My reasoning behind this is that DSS gets a full set of christmas presents from his mum and her new partner, as well as all her side of the family, plus lots of presents from DP’s side of the family and then another full set of presents from us. Whereas our DS only gets a few presents from DP’s side and the rest from us (None from my side as I grew up in care, my foster parents give him a small amount of money into his savings)

So is DP right in thinking the same amount or is that unfair on our DS? I agree that this year it doesn’t really matter but as DS gets older surely he’ll cotton on to the fact that DSS always gets so much more? Or am I being silly?

I think its fair that u get them the same,he is only 7 if u treat them different he may feel left out and wonder why he has gotten less at your house when your ds has much more,i have 5 children my eldest 2 have different dad and they get from us, their dad and his grandparents they get so much where as mine and my husbands 3 just get from us ,it is hard but i do them all the same not this year tho as my eldest 2 are working now so we have cut back for the first time x

When I had step children (now adults and I’m no longer married to their dad) we used to spend the same on them as our own dc. They would f course get double the amount as their mum would spend a similar amount, we always budgeted for £100 per child.

Now I’m divorced my dc’s get 2 lots of gifts, I spend more on them now they are teens (don’t get much for your money) and their dad spends £100 on them.

thanks for your reply, i think that’s fair enough

You can't treat them differently, it's not his fault that his parents aren't together and he has a new half brother. Could you imagine being 7,8 or 9 and seeing your own dad and step mum not seem to care that you got way less than your brother? It's different once the kind of gifts change and get more expensive.

I get that but surely he’d realise that he gets over double the amount of presents his little brother gets?

He’s 7. He won’t see that at all. He will see his Dad had a new baby and that baby gets more than he does from their Dad.

I think you should spend the same amount on each child; what others spend on him has nothing to do with what you spend.

You should spend the same amount on each child. I have a DSS who is now 15 and I have a 6, 4 and 21 month old. I've spent less on the youngest this year as he won't notice and I've been able to get a lot of his presents really cheap. At my kids ages they don't think of the cost, just see the amount of presents really. When your child is old enough to realise anything, DSS will be old enough to know not to go on about all the other stuff he's got as well as what you've gotten him. My kids have never once brought up that DSS gets off us and his mums family, I don't think kids really think about it, not at this age anyway.

I should add, the past 3-4 years DSS has got a lot less than my kids in terms of actual presents. His cost a lot more now...so he gets less. Its the same budget for them all. I've only spent less on the little one this year coz why not while I can

I can see your point but by the time your DS is old enough to notice, the age gap will mean they are at completely different stages and their gifts won't be easily comparable if that makes sense. So for example DSS getting a phone at 11 when DS is getting say lego or trains. It's likely that DS will get more in terms of volume for the same amount spent.

I'd leave it for now and if in the future it becomes an issue you can reconsider.

Thank you! All the replies make a lot of sense as I said, i know at this young age it doesn’t really matter, I hope DS never questions it I think I was just over thinking too many years into the future!

It doesn't matter if he gets from his mother. As a step child I can tell you that it makes you feel less important to have less spent on you - your child won't even think about what dss gets from his mum.
That's not from you.

It makes kids feel shit if they get £50 worth and their siblings get £200 ... even if they get more from mum.. trust me, as a step child it makes you feel shit

I think a lot of parents would actually spend less money on the 1 yo because generally their stuff costs less/they haven’t got a clue it’s Christmas. I’m not spending as much on my younger child, they just don’t have the same requirements.

Didiusfalco - sorry dont know how to tag, i know we aren’t spending half as much on the 1 year old this year because of that, it’s not really advice for this year it’s years going forward but I can see I was just being silly now PP’s are right, i’ve never been a step child so i didn’t know

I would spend less on the 1yr old and more on the 7yr old. Your dss will get double the amount spent on him but your son gets to live with both of his parents so I think he is the lucky one.

I know this isn’t really the point but if my husband and I divorced and he re married and had another child, I cant begin to imagine how sad and jealous my children would feel that the new child got to live with their daddy. Try to remember how hard it is for your step son and always make him feel welcome and as much a part of your family and house as your other son.

Presents are very important to 7yos!

In our house all the children (step and full) get the same, not in terms of amount of money spent but in terms of how ‘big’ the present seems to the child. We have a budget for all their presents collectively.

I also go on the precedent that one child has 2 immediate families buying for them and mine doesn’t.

Because, children shouldn’t need to be aware of how much is spent.

Sorry that made me sound like a real bitch - we put as much effort in choosing and still spend quite a lot, but I also need to get bear in mind that it DP has no extended family so we are the primary source of presents for our DC. All DC should feel good and included but I can’t stand the idea that kids “need” x amount of money spent on them.

I don’t understand why people are saying a child should get more because they don’t have the beniffit of living with both parents, like that child is worse off? My children are much happier without their father living here and do not go with out.

As I said before, when I was with my ex we spent the same on his children but there were times when mine got a few extras but his children were not at our house Christmas Day so they would not have known, the times they were at ours for Christmas we made sure there presents looked equivalencies and we spent roughly the same. A one year old does not need much for Christmas, a 7 year old probably needs/wants more expensive items so at the moment I would spend more on the 7 year old (I think op plans on doing this anyway), if you chose to put any money into your one year olds bank account then fair enough.

Your dh should provide equally for all his children, if you can’t afford to give them the same amount then you need to cut back on what you are spending on both of them.

Lovemusic33 I can only speak for my own children and they would be devastated is their father and I divorced. They miss him when he doesn’t make it home before bed, they would be so sad if they couldn’t live with both of us.

3wild but would them getting twice as much for Christmas make that better? No.
My kids have a better relationship with their dad now he doesn’t live here (it’s still not a great relationship but it’s better and home is a bette environment now), him buying them extra presents won’t make up for him being a rubbish dad or a rubbish husband, it would just fill my home with twice as much tat 🤣

No it wouldn’t make up for it but I think if they saw step siblings receiving more off their own dad, as well as getting to live with their dad, it would make them feel second best.

I'd say spend the same for both or relative amounts based on gifts as they grow up. The differences in spending will probably naturally divide as they get older anyway ie If DSS mum buys a games console then you pay X amount for games. DSS mum and partner may buy/help towards 1st car/insurance/driving lessons and they'd pay the higher percentage whilst you chip in a fair amount. And when your DS comes to drive you'll be helping or spending the bulk of the costs on it yourselves with DP's family potentially chipping in too. I used to ask ExDP to get XYZ to accompany any big gifts I got DD as I wanted to be the one getting her the main present from me but to be equally as thrilled with what he'd give that complimented it.