Bereaved at Christmas

[NinjaGoSaysNo]

Last year my gran died on Christmas Day. My mum and aunt were with her at the time, my sister and I spent the day trying to make things normal for the kids but waiting for "that" phone call (she was on palliative sedation by that point, we knew it was coming).

I know every family will be different, but if this has happened in your family too, how did you cope in subsequent years? Was the first Christmas afterwards really weird?

I lost my mum at Christmas (Boxing Day in our case).

The first Christmas was awful yes, more the anticipation/ countdown to it than the day itself. Subsequent Christmasses have been very sad in parts too, but that sadness has just become an accepted part of it too, and in a weird way I feel closer to my mum at that time of year. I’ve just chosen to set our wedding date close to Christmas, which would have been unimaginable in the first few years when even the sight of a Christmas tree could have me in tears.

I think you learn to ignore the insane pressure for it to be a ‘perfect’ day/week and instead accept that you will miss your loved one and there’s will be times when you feel very sad, and that’s fine. You’ll also find things to be happy and laugh about, happy memories to look back on and traditions to uphold or add to - one of ours now is a long dog walk on Christmas Eve, calling into the church on the way back to light a candle for mum.

It’s tough, but try not to predict or put expectations on how you’re going to feel, accept it will be down and just take things moment by moment.

Sorry to hear you've experienced this too, Alias.

I think you're right about ignoring the pressure for it to be perfect. I'm worried most about how it'll be for my mum I think, though when I asked her how she was feeling about it she said last year felt so unChristmassy for her it was like it didn't happen, so hopefully she'll be ok.

My gran herself loved Christmas so we've lots of happy memories of her at that time of year (last year aside).

I'm so sorry for your loss. My grandma died on December 13th last year. I also lost a child in 2007. It is hard. Honestly it's probably the reason I do throw myself into decorating like I do. Putting up the decorations brings me happy emotions and feelings even if they are weighed down with sadness. My grandmother had the most amazing Christmas decorations.

One big thing is....don't feel bad about smiling and about feeling happy things if it comes. Also don't feel bad if those happy feelings don't feel the same. There is no wrong or right way to do things. Maybe get a special ornament in memory of your grandma if that is something that appeals to you?

I'm sorry for you loss.
My mother in law died early December but the funeral wasn't until 22nd December. It was surreal shopping for a Christmas tree on 24th. We had a 'normal' Christmas day together with all DHs siblings and their partners. The day itself felt a little odd but it was ok. There was a moment where me and SIL had a little cry 'about the gravy' which obviously wasn't about the gravy.

My uncle died, unexpectedly, on Christmas Day 3 years ago. My Mum was called by my aunt that morning, who had woken to find he'd gone. I had no idea, so called my Mum, and cheerily wished her Merry Christmas, only for her to tell me. I felt awful, but I wasn't to know.

We've not let it make Christmas a sombre day, as he was a jovial man, always joking, and it's not what he'd want. We raise a glass to him over lunch, but we don't make it a focus.

I imagine it's a lot harder with a parent, but whenever it happens will be a day that you mark for them, and I'm sure they wouldn't want you to be sad at such a happy time of year.

My mother was dying at Christmas a few years ago, she eventually went on new years eve. Plus I was having to deal with my elderly grieving father (who died a few months later). Last year my brother was on his last legs at christmas and died in January. You have my sympathy, it just seems all wrong to go through such things at what should be a happy time of year.
We raise a glass (or two!) to the departed at christmas, but I don't dwell on what happened. I don't want christmas coloured for the rest of my life by feeling I shouldn't be having fun, or feeling I should be respectfully grieving and remembering the dead. They are gone, it is sad, but there is nothing I can do about it. My mother was insistent that she had had a wonderful life, and that we shouldn't cry over her, but get on and enjoy our own lives. To that end we make sure we have a bloody good time, share memories of those who are no longer with us, laugh a lot, probably cry a bit, but generally just get on with making new family traditions to separate the new norm from past norms, if that makes sense.

We've been through this too. We remember everyone and drink a toast to them at Christmas lunch.

The first Christmas after my dad died, my son moved over and sat in the place at the table my dad always sat in. It was a poignant moment, but it felt right.

My father died in July, we have been wondering how to do Christmas.
We are aiming for business as usual, presents, Tree, Christmas dinner. Christmas without Dad is going to be horrid, but Christmas without comfort and focus would be much worse, and Dad would be cross with us. I want to have things nice for Mum and us all. We may have a cry over the gravy too, but that’s ok. We will raise a glass to Dad and pull a cracker.

Yes, my grandad died on Christmas Day when I was 10. My mum and grandmother made every effort to keep Christmas special for us as kids every year afterwards and I'm so grateful they did.

They often went to the grave on Christmas Eve and did the anniversary commemoration then. Which meant the following day could still be Christmas for us as children.

I'm so sorry for your loss, you'll find your own way through it. With kindness and with love x

My Nan died on Christmas Day when I was about 10 too. We found out Xmas morning she had taken a turn, and thankfully got there to see her and spend the afternoon. She passed minutes after we left, like she had been holding on for us.

Christmas never really changed, my mum would lay a wreath on her grave in December, and we would remember her on the day, but not in a sad way. If anything my mum has sought to make Christmas bigger and better every year, more decorations and family outings doing festive things, making it extra special. My Nan had always loved Christmas so going above and beyond each year is a nice way to commemorate her. Christmas was and still is my favourite holiday, and I will keep this tradition going with my DD now.

My aunt died on Christmas Day when I was 18, it was a hard Christmas but Christmas was also her favourite day, it was as though she held on until Christmas to pass (she passed late afternoon). We know she would be upset if she thought we would be sad on Christmas so we now do Christmas even bigger and better in her memory.

My grandad died on Christmas Day, straight after the Queens Speech. Massive heartattack. He'd had a lovely day and whilst it was a massive shock he was surrounded by family when he went.

My dad died two weeks before Christmas - complications of Dementia. His funeral was three days before Christmas. My DM and I were with him when he died in a nursing home. This year will be the second without him.

It's tricky. We take comfort that my dad and grandad had their family around them when they passed; wreaths laid and glasses raised. But to be honest as this is the first 'normal' Christmas after my Dads death (I don't think it had actually hit home/registered fully that he'd gone last year). I'm not certain what to expect/feel at the moment. And I'm not putting pressure on myself to feel happy or cheery. Just take it as it comes.

Thank you for starting this thread OP, We lost My Dsis on Christmas Day last year under quite awful circumstances & the thought of the day itself is filling me with dread.

A few weeks ago I went into M&S & it was the first time I had seen Christmas stuff this year & my stomach flipped and it triggered a really vivid flashback to being told. Then on FB someone innocently posted a Christmas countdown of how many sleeps till Christmas & It was like a countdown to the anniversary.

We have made plans to do something completely different and will be out of the country this year, i'm not sure if this is for the best but it feels the right thing to do. DM is making it a celebration of her life as Dsis loved Christmas, and we have always said it was almost fitting for her to go on Christmas Day.

The week before we plan to make her resting place festive & make a charity donation in her name. I think that this first year will be hardest & then it will get easier.

Thank you to everyone who has commented so far with support and you experiences. I don't know about you but it helps a lot just to know I'm not alone in having sad memories connected with a happy time. I'm so sorry for all of your losses.

It's going to be weird this year as the first one since, but probably not as weird as last year where from the 20th Dec she was on palliative sedation and we told to expect to lose her any time from then. It felt like we were "acting Christmas" for the kids rather than feeling festive iykwim.

Animalhouseparty I get what you mean about Christmas stuff being a reminder of it.