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Original poster

AIBU to be hurt for being excluded from family Christmas

25 replies

deedeegee · 28/10/2018 22:33

After almost 20 straight years of providing, hosting and cooking Christmas lunch for the family, with no help or puddings brought etc, my DB announced that to give me a break, he would be taking DF and DF partner out for Christmas Lunch. Family admittedly small- am single parent with just about grown up daughter- so we've not been invited, either paying our own way or not. 😢

AIBU to feel hurt or should I try and look on the bright side and think of the box sets we could watch ....?!

OP posts:
ineedabagformyhippo · 28/10/2018 22:37

That's horrible, poor you I'm not surprised you feel upset. Were you even asked if you wanted this "break"? Do you all get on otherwise??

incendio · 28/10/2018 22:40

YANBU I would be sad about that too! Maybe he just thought you would still want to have Christmas at home and didn't think to ask.

Would you want to go? If so you could just say a meal out for a change would be nice and ask if you could join them?

Although I think a nice quiet Christmas with DD sounds lovely too!

pallisers · 28/10/2018 22:41

Hang on a second. For 20 years you have had your brother, your father and his partner for xmas dinner - hosted the entire thing. And this year your brother said you are on your tod while he brings your father and his partner out for dinner.

Fuck that.

Just say it to him. Say "Excuse me but after 20 years of me hosting you for xmas are you seriously saying dd and I should sit on our own on xmas day while you go out with dad and his girlfriend? Do you not see how weird and unkind that is?"

I'd be mad as anything at this. I hope your brother just got it utterly wrong, thinking you'd like to be on your own. Still, you'd think he'd actually ask you what you'd prefer.

Singlenotsingle · 28/10/2018 22:46

You could go away for Christmas? A wonderful opportunity for a few days somewhere very nice? I was looking in the Leger coach holiday brochure - Austria, Germany, Prague? Somewhere snowy, or even a sunshine break. Just for a few days Grin

WhistlerGrey · 28/10/2018 22:48

Agree completely with pallisers - what disgraceful behaviour from your brother and your father for agreeing to it.

SassitudeandSparkle · 28/10/2018 22:50

Ouch, that would smart! Can I ask if something has changed in your brother's life this year that would make him do this - has he gained/lost a partner? Does your family live close to you?

Original poster
deedeegee · 28/10/2018 22:51

Thanks for all your support.
DB has kind of fallen out with me as being joint POAs for our DF who has Alzheimer's, DB and DF partner expect me to do far more to support than I am able to do. DB lives 400 miles away, no children, no DP, but tries to bully me whilst I do all the financials and take DF out once a week for an afternoon at the weekend. Working 4 days per week, they expect more eg spending regular weekends 'dad-sitting' ie living there, to give DF partner a break despite DF getting 2 days day care per week and 2 afternoons as well from a care company.

So I guess I'm saying that there is context to this behaviour.

My DF is the easiest to deal with in this scenario. DD is unaware of this, yet and think that this will not go down well as she is a young adult with a history of 7 years of MH issues....

I don't want to spend time with any of them, except DF, now.

OP posts:
pallisers · 28/10/2018 22:52

You could go away for Christmas? A wonderful opportunity for a few days somewhere very nice?

Yes she could - although it is possible neither she nor her nearly adult daughter actually want to go away together for Christmas. But if she does, she'll still come home to a brother and father who didn't think to say "what about Deedee and Deedee jr - where are they spending xmas if we go out together". With every possibility that next christmas at least one of them will expect to rock up to hers for turkey and gravy.

She needs to say it to her brother. It could be he has a tin ear and just thought she'd love the break without thinking further or bothering his arse to actually ask her. It could be he is a stupid fucker who doesn't think about her at all. Either way she needs to say it to him.

pallisers · 28/10/2018 22:57

DB has kind of fallen out with me as being joint POAs for our DF who has Alzheimer's, DB and DF partner expect me to do far more to support than I am able to do. DB lives 400 miles away, no children, no DP, but tries to bully me whilst I do all the financials and take DF out once a week for an afternoon at the weekend. Working 4 days per week, they expect more eg spending regular weekends 'dad-sitting' ie living there, to give DF partner a break despite DF getting 2 days day care per week and 2 afternoons as well from a care company.

Christ almighty! You do all this and he comments on what you do! I was the sibling who lived further away and I sent flowers to my sister regularly to say thanks, begged her to not do so much, and came home regularly to take the pressure off, despite having small children myself.

Honestly, I would call/text both DB and DF's partner (would cut her more of a break because she is dealing with a partner with alzheimers which is tough) and say you and your daughter are very hurt that they excluded you and your dad's only grandchild from xmas this year especially as you have hosted for the past 20 years. Leave it at that and let them stew. I am so mad on your behalf, OP.

crosstalk · 28/10/2018 23:07

OP I would take your dd, df and his dp to lunch as well or visit them after Christmas. Make humongous plans for you and DD for Christmas Day - perhaps even invite other people round on the day or Boxing Day? and pack in those box sets and involve DD in the planning.

Ignore it all if you can. Presumably DB can hardly throw over the PoA? Perhaps it's time you stood up to him and had a discussion with him and your DF's OH?

Original poster
deedeegee · 28/10/2018 23:10

DF partner has blown up at me as well- in front of befuddled DF- for not getting social work moving fast enough to provide suitable day care as she can't deal with the situation emotionally despite DF being able to do all his own personal care. She has refused counselling help for herself, cleaning for the house and my offer of doing the weekly shop but complains to DB about me and to her friends as as we live quite near to each other- 10 min drive- and as we know people in common, her remarks have come back to me.

It's hard to ignore as I get very angry but have to think, she's looking after my DF and I can't have a full blown fall-out with her and DB as they might make things even more difficult.

I can't really say anything to DB about Christmas lunch situ as think that would make things worse. DF will be asking why my daughter and I have not been included and suspect DB will say that we have made our own arrangements... sigh...Think I will just have to suck it up for sake of a quiet life, especially as DF has lost the understanding of such things and I don't really want him upset.

Next challenge is how not to tell them that I am having a retiral/sabbatical from work soon, for 6 months as I know what the expectations are likely to be!

OP posts:
Lindy2 · 28/10/2018 23:18

It sounds pretty mean of your brother but it also sounds like you'll have a nicer time doing your own thing at Christmas rather than being nagged by them.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 28/10/2018 23:26

Sounds very difficult, what with dementia in the mix, too.

While it's callous of DB to,leave you out, personally I think I'd let it go - as you say, for the sake of a quiet life - and enjoy a nice peaceful day with your dd -some nice food and binge watch box sets etc.

Personally I think Christmas dinner out is overrated anyway, not to mention usually very expensive.

You could visit your df and partner in the next day or two.

Original poster
deedeegee · 28/10/2018 23:43

Yep- thinking will let it go & will have to work at not letting it get to me...! That’s my challenge!

Agree it’s a waste of money eating out when you can buy it all in, if you’d wanted to& which DB could have done at DFs house... still finding it hard to understand, but maybe I should accept that there is none to be had.!

Will defo see DF either day before or after Christmas as seeing him on the day might create more confusion in him that DB and partner would have to field and that would be my fault again! Lol!

OP posts:
BakedBeans47 · 28/10/2018 23:47

Wow, what a heartless shit your brother is.

BunnyCake · 29/10/2018 00:02

Jesus. Can't believe he's not inviting you after you hosting for 20 years. He should be paying for you. What a twat

pallisers · 29/10/2018 00:03

tbh OP, I would go on the offensive with my brother if I were you.

Say to him "you live 400 miles away and live your life and yet you think you can tell me how much more I could do for OUR dad when I am already doing 200 percent more than you and now you exclude me and my daughter - your niece - from the xmas dinner. Despite me having you and dad over every christmas for 20 years and knowing dad would like me and his granddaughter to be at christmas dinner?
How could you? And how about YOU take on all I do already? How about YOU do everything I do and then you tell me what more I should be doing?"

Would leave the partner out of it. she may leave. if so, your brother will certainly have to step up to a plate he has never yet seen.

BakedBeans47 · 29/10/2018 00:10

And I think you should definitely say something. Too often women (me included) put up with being shat on for a quiet life. At the end of the day your brother is a twat and you do everything anyway so it’s not going to be any worse if you give it to him with both barrels.

Feliciaxxx · 29/10/2018 00:27

I have no more to add other than to urge you to maintain a dignified silence perhaps. Maybe do something special on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day with your DF and as other posters have advised, have a lovely indulgent Christmas Day with your DD.

Alanamackree · 29/10/2018 07:17

Flowers your brother is being a piece of work. I don’t think you’d be the tiniest bit unreasonable to give him an earful. I’ve known a few men like this who hide from their own guilt with these mental gymnastics where someone else is painted the bad guy.

Try not to confuse what your db is doing with the stress your df’s partner is under. They are two separate things. I’m not saying that she’s not taking advantage and using you as a convenient family scapegoat but it’s easier to deal with people separately and to see them clearly if you don’t lump them together.

As for people carrying comments back to you. Tell them straight that it’s unhelpful and hurtful to gossip. Those who are your friends will think twice, and those who aren’t wont be the better of you holding up a mirror to their behavior.

You have a duty of care to your df, but you also have a duty of care towards your dd. Being healthy in body and mind is important. Why do either of these people need to know if you take a sabbatical? You are already doing a fair share, and you know that’s true. Your brother has a burden of guilt (because he’s not doing his bit) that he’s trying to hand over to you. Just remember that it doesn’t belong to you.

Excluding you from Christmas is unkind and ungrateful. I know it hurts but try if you can to see that this isn’t about you. Your brother is showing you the kind of man he is. Any decisions that you make about your df need to be about him and his needs, not about what your db thinks or says. (Although I think that you already know this). He’s not just excluding you, but also denying his father a familiar Christmas ritual.

Can you concentrate on enjoying this Christmas with your dd? Maybe doing something really special together?

Runnynosehunny · 29/10/2018 07:42

Sorry to hear about the situation in general OP. I think you should speak up now, well in advance of Christmas. You say you fear making things worse but I don't think you will. These people are all treating you badly and you need to lay down some boundaries or they will probably start treating you worse. As a POA you do have some duty of care to your DF but what you are doing sounds fine. You are doing much more than your DB yet he is complaining at you. Your DF's partner is spreading nasty gossip about you. Then to simply exclude you on Christmas day when you have always hosted them for years. Put your foot down with these people and tell them you are upset at their behaviour.

Original poster
deedeegee · 29/10/2018 07:45

Yes- you’re right. It’s really about DB’s guilt transference tinged with a bit of gaslighting and bullying!

DF partner has historical psychological issues of her own she brought into the relationship which remain unaddressed... think both she and DB resent DFs illness, whilst I feel so sorry for the poor man, who is all too aware of his illness and is pathetically grateful to me for taking him out, which makes me feel worse-He’s lost sight of the financial stuff I do, which is ok.

Whilst I would like to have it out with DB I think the fall out might be disproportionate and long term as DB is the kind of person who thinks he’s always in the right! Case in point was that he informed me during the height of DD’s MH/ suicidal episodes that he and they thought it was all my fault! So don’t really have the stomach for such confrontation, but rather note it down in my mental little black book& be sorrowful as our long dead DM would have been appalled.

OP posts:
RuggerHug · 29/10/2018 08:51

Has your brother even asked your Dad what he wants to do? Because he may well say 'hold on, what about OP?(sorry on app can't see name now!) Christmas is always with her and DGD,what do they say?'

Original poster
deedeegee · 29/10/2018 10:46

Apparently according to DB, DF is ok with it, but he would say that wouldn’t he?!

OP posts:
sparklepops123 · 29/10/2018 10:56

Your dB is a knob. See your df when you can and plan a lovely day just you and your dd. I don't think you can win in this situation unfortunately

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