Telling the truth about Father Christmas.

[SpiritedLondon]

I have a DD who is 6 - no other children. She has recently lost a tooth and we have had a lot of fun with the whole tooth fairy business - she is definitely a believer. She also still believes in Father Christmas - mainly because we perpetuate the belief and because there’s no annoying older sibling to put her straight. I can imagine a time though where she gets told something by another kid at school and she asks a direct question. Do we lie and perpetuate the myth or do we come clean? Do you think there’s a age where you want them to know ?( so they’re not laughed at by school mates etc) I’m definitely happy to carry on as we are because I think believing makes everyday life a bit more special but I’m just curious to know how other parents addressed this.

we carried it on until she was 10/11, so year 6. some other kids mentioned it, but it was mostly, 'do you still believe in santa?' rather than them saying it outright.

My D.C. asked at 5yo.

Our house rule if that if you ask a question you get a truthful (if age appropriate) answer.

So we told the truth.

The kids were fine about it and Christmas is just as lovely and magical as ever. We still put out a mince pie and drink for Santa, they still hang stockings etc.

For us Christmas has always been about the Nativity and spending time together with family.

It’s still magical, it’s still special and I have no regrets.

I should say they were under very strict instructions not to tell any other children.

I have just bought a book called "the wonderful truth about santa" and I'll be giving that to dc's at some point in the near future. It explains santa as St Nick originally and how parents take on "being santa" as it's lovely to give to others just to make them happy. No mention of religion which is perfect for us.

Part of the game is when they realise and don't let on - so that you keep giving them 'Santa' gifts!

Trudee - Saint Nicholas (no mention of religion?).

I’m just going to say FC comes to kids who believe in him and the parents do it for the kids who don’t believe 😄 because if my kid doesn’t believe and then I don’t give them a stocking and all their friends/siblings still get them, that would be pretty harsh.

I feel like they need to know the truth by the time they get to secondary school. Otherwise keep it going while still in primary as long as they still believe!

My dd said recently ‘ I know the tooth fairy is you but what about Father Christmas?’ Then as I was preparing what to say she said ‘actually, don’t tell me’. So she knows but doesn’t want to admit it.
I told her that Father Christmas would keep coming as long as she wanted him too and that Christmas is a magical time and it’s nice to make it magical for others (hope she realises that this meant-don’t you dare say anything to your brother!)

I just say to DD (10) 'when you don't believe he doesn't come anymore and mama does it'.

It is about believing and magic. I think I have one more year tops.

6 is very young IMO.

Ours were never told by us; we just talked about the magic changing and the older ones were required to maintain absolute secrecy. Or sons class were inadvertently told in year six by a teacher who assumed they all knew - half class were in tears.
Six is very young to be worrying about imposing reality.

A while ago in a similar thread an MNer told her kids that you either receive the magic or give the magic which I thought was lovely.

She involved her older kids in setting up Santa gifts for the little ones.

Oh there are some lovely ideas here thank you. Yes 6 is definitely young and I’m not in a hurry to tell her the truth because it’s so lovely - but she is inquisitive and may hear something at school. I’ve no idea really.... I don’t have anything else to compare it to. Winging it as ever.

Our youngest DD (6) recently said she knows the tooth fairy is dad because fairies aren’t real! I just laughed and said yes it is dad, but it’s a magical secret we don’t tell the little children. She then went on to say it’s okay she knows Father Christmas and god are real so we left it at that.

I think our eldest DD (9 at Christmas) has known for a while Father Christmas isn’t real just by comments that she makes, she won’t come out and ask outright so I haven’t said anything.

We have always taken the approach that different people, including children, believe in different things and it’s okay to believe in what you believe in, you don’t have to be the same as others. So far it seems to have worked okay.

If a child specifically asks then I wouldn't outright lie to them. Of course I would say to them not to tell others as they might not be on on the secret yet.

As regards to age, from my own experience I wss around 8 when I knew. My own 4 children worked it out around 7 or 8 and my grandchildren around the same age. I've not known any child tell younger children the truth - they love being on on the secret. Theu still loved Christmas after they knew.There were two cousins in my daughter's class at school who believed age 10 or 11 and the other children did laugh about it though. Yo be honest, I think lots of children humour their parents - they don't want to spoil it for the parents

Older siblings can make it easier for kuds to keep believing for far too long

I've got 2 kids 24 months apart, then a 4 year gap. My older 2 were essentially a hive mind until the oldest was about 10, joined at the hip and shared everything, including thoughts, knowledge and wisdom so yes, dc2 knew about father Christmas pretty much the instant dc1 did (dc2 was 4.5 and dc1 6.5), because they essentially thought things through together They were both somewhat relieved as neither had liked the idea of a strange man in the house while everyone was asleep, and dc1 has asked us to stay up and ask him to leave the presents in the garage

However the older 2 tend to baby dc3, and dc1 has an incredible story telling imagination... So every time dc3 has expressed doubts, dc1 has spun stories to make him believe more than ever (appkys to the tooth fairy too) where I was intending to let the truth dawn naturally.

Dc3 is nearly 8. I need to have a word with dc1 actually!

I don't think theres any need for a big myth busting reveal, but I do think it's best to let doubts creep in naturally without deliberately quashing them, and let them realise on their own and absolutely wrong to lie when asked outright by a kid who's worked it out.

My dd1 at 8 told me in very matter of fact tones, that she knew FC was me and Daddy, so I might as well admit it.
So I did, while making sure she knew not to tell any children who still believed, inc. dd2.

Many years later - she was at least 20 - she told me she'd been dying for me to deny it, so she could go on believing a little longer!

Some people get around it by telling children that FC won't come if you don't believe in him, which a) avoids outright fibs, and b) allows children who doubt, but want to believe, to keep the magic going a little longer.

Gettinglike doesn't that punish practical, honest children by not giving them a stocking (or whichever presentsare traditionally from father Christmas in your house) unless they lie? Or do you mean tell them parents take over if you stop believing?

I know someone who proudly repirted that when her son told her he wasn't sure he believed in god or Jesus she'd responded that people who didn't believe didn't get to join in with Christmas and Easter, which is just so utterly wrong on pretty much every level I that it's staggering. Obviously that's more extreme than the father Christmas issue, but in the same vein.

blueskiesandforests because what religion needs is people being coerced and bribed into believing ie playing lip service. Sound Christian values on display!

I was shocked Spirited - my parents addressed my loss of belief by saying "don't show your ignorance" (father) and "it's a phase, you'll grow out of it" (mother) although they did insist on lip service in the form of unfailing Sunday and festival church attendance and my mother tried emotional blackmail in the form of tears and wailing when I stopped going up for communion, at least they didn't issue threats for forbidden thought!

My 10yo DD3 still believes which surprises me as she is normally quite savvy (when we went to Disney Paris she was about 4 or 5 and asked why people were so fussed about seeing the characters, “it’s just people dressed up”). If she asks I will ask answer honestly that it’s just a nice way of giving presents based on tradition.

She has Father Christmas all worked out in her mind! She told me the other day, “Saints are in heaven with God, except he let Saint Nicholas come back to Earth to live at the North Pole so that he can do nice things for people”. So I’m not sure she is ready to give up the myth yet, even though she has known for years that the Santas you see aren't real (she recognised one as the local lollipop man and worked it out from there!)

My 6 year old ds said a couple weeks ago Santa wasn't real and it was just the mums and dads. I changed the subject and it's not been mentioned since so I'm not sure where we stand but if he'd asked me directly I would have told the truth.

I will be very sad when that conversation is required

blueskies that’s terrible! It’s only me and the youngest that still go to Mass (DH has no particular beliefs, DD2 is atheist). My only stipulation was that as I don’t insist on forcing belief on DD2, that she doesn’t go on and on about her disbelief to her younger sister and to let her decide her own mind as she gets older. DD3 knows DD2 doesn’t believe.

blueskies, no, it doesn't 'punish' no-longer-believing children, at least it never did in our house, because they still got a stocking anyway. FC still fills a stocking for everyone in our house, guest or family, 9 or 93.

I’m an advocate of a straight answer to a straight question, however, some sensitivity is required too. Sometimes when doubt creeps in children ask their parents if Santa is real, in order to gain reassurance that he is, not because they are ready for the cold hard truth.
I navigated this by responding with questions “what do you think?”, “why do you ask?” and listening carefully to their answer. For a while they were still convincing themselves, or exploring alternative explanations (I really liked the Santa was a robot explanation), and I would say that it was very interesting but I didn’t directly lie.
Eventually the tone and content changed. DS1 told me all the reasons why it didn’t make logical sense to him and asked me if it was parents. I let him know that I was impressed at his thinking. Even then I asked him if he wanted me to answer that and only when he was sure did I tell him.
I wanted to support and celebrate his development and let him know I was proud of him for figuring out the mystery. We talked about how there couldn’t really be just one Santa, that lots of people take part and now he could take part too if he wanted. And we talked about the values of generousity and kindness, and how much fun it is to play santa.
We agreed not to tell other kids, and to tell anyone who asked to talk to their parents. But we also talked about who he could talk to (aunts, uncles, grandparents) if he wanted to.
We agreed that the Santa game was one that we still wanted to play. A while later he told me that he had decided to “unknow” and we’ve played lip service ever since.