Foster children and Christmas

[Alanamackree]

Wondering if there are any posters here who foster or have fostered children at Christmas? I’m not fostering exactly but dniece is living with us for the time being and likely to be with us for Christmas, I think. My first instinct is to try and give her a lovely magical Christmas but I’m mindful that even aside from the current situation in her home, her mum has a very different approach to Christmas than I do. It’s very much a day, rather than a season and where my dc would have advent calendars, pjs and stockings and a gifts, she would be used to Santa delivering one gift without any dramatic reindeer crashes or sooty footprints.
She still believes, but at 8 this might well be her last year, but if it’s not I don’t want to set up unrealistic expectations or plant doubts about why Santa behaves differently in different houses.
But I’ve also my own dc’s expectations to consider. They would typically choose a “big gift” around €100 maybe, whereas she would get a “surprise” around €20-30. They’re all old enough to recognize that kind of difference in value.
Kids can be materialistic and I don’t want to diminish her normal experience or disturb the fragile relationships she has. On the other hand she’s a little girl who has had to deal with an awful lot this year and I want to protect her and indulge her a bit.
It’s not the same as fostering but I thought that maybe people who had fostered might have some insight or wisdom to share?

I would just treat her the same as your own DC as she's living with you for now.

I absolutely agree that’s they should all be treated the same. I haven’t expressed that very well. I certainly didn’t mean that I’d give my dc a big gift and her a small one I’m really just wondering how much to pull back on what we normally do.

She probably already sees that life isn't fair. I'd give her a magical Christmas that she'll always remember. Maybe if she has kids of her own she'll try recreate the atmosphere that you did rather than the lacklustre Christmas in her own home

Definitely have your usual Christmas. Although if she is part of all the fun planning of days out and presents/advent calendars etc I would still let her have these even if she isn't with you the actual day itself if possible.

Could you do your normal Christmas, and if she questions why it’s so different, say something like “Father Christmas has been told that you’ve had a difficult time lately, so told his elves to do something special for you” or something along those lines?

Give her the magical Christmas.
Loving Myneighboudsnorlax reply too. This one is special because you need a bit of loving this year.

I am not one who makes a huge fuss over the whole festive season, but in your situation, just go with it. I bet she will remember it forever. And it won't be a comparison thing, kids are quite capable of realising that things aren't the same in every house, and accepting that. But to be part of something special is lovely.

As a foster child (or was one growing up) treat her exactly the same as your own.
Just be mindful that she may be a little sadder than usual. No matter how magical you male it & how much she loves you. its different to what she's used to & she's away from her mom. She will remember this one forever.
I certainly do mine

give her a magical memory - something to look back on -

I foster but we have young baby’s so a bit different as they don’t care usually. Santa always brings a pile of presents anyway. Even though they won’t remember photos form many of their memories.
I would try and involve your niece in planning, shopping and choosing gifts. Let her talk about how different families celebrate and take your lead from her. On the day she may be overwhelmed and miss her mum and past Christmas times. You seem to have a great perspective and uunderstanding of her needs.

You are so lovely op!!

I would definitely do Christmas as normal. I think the more normality you can show your niece the better.

Just a thought .... would her parents be expecting to have her for Christmas? Might complicate things

Oh and I'm another one saying do your usual family thing at xmas

If she's living with you for that length of time, you need to make the local authority aware.
We adults over think Christmas more than kids do. The Advent calendar etc can clearly be for you, so it is only the value of presents that if different. Hopefully she wasn't too aware of the £ value of things last year.

Father Christmas has been told that you’ve had a difficult time lately, so told his elves to do something special for you” or something along those lines?
Definitely this.
I agree with the others, do your normal thing and make it as magical as you usually do and it will be something that she will always remember.

I have worked many Christmases in children's homes, always with teenagers 12-17 from a whole range of backgrounds. We always indulged the kids, and different staff brought diff traditions to the table. Santa's footprints, carrots and milk etc fir rudolf. Some of the kids would eyeroll, some would soak it up, but what stands out to me now is this: I am still in contact with a couple of the kids - now adults with their own dc. Every Christmas I see/hear of them carrying forward the very traditions we introduced them to during their time in Care with their babies!!
Have a lovely Christmas!!

Make up a magical story? 'Father Christmas knows when you've been good or bad and he also knows when you've had a really tough time so I'm hoping he gives us a great Christmas this year!'. You could even make up a story about a bad year that you had in the past, where Father Christmas bought more presents.

I would do your usual Christmas and include her in everything you normally do what you do for your own kids. I think it’s a wonderful thing you are doing for your niece, imagine if it was your own kids in that situation, would you want them treated any differently

I’d go for a middle ground - advent calendar & mince pie out on Christmas Eve & maybe new pjs
As for presents, What about doing a “surprise” present for each of them from Father Christmas/Santa and a nice present from you too? You can explain that when children get older he brings the surprises but the parents buy the big presents ... might help a bit with expectations for the future too
You don’t mention how old your children are ...

can you afford a Xmas holiday instead?

I was a foster carer for several years. I was discussing Christmas with my social worker one day and she told me about a man she had run into recently who had been one of the children in care on her caseload years previously. He never really settled with his carers, had huge behavioural issues and ended up in residential care. He now had kids of his own and told the social worker that he basically learned about Christmas while in care and that he brought some of the traditions etc with him and used them now with his children. I remember thinking at the time that it proved that fostering really does make a difference to a child, even if you, or even they themselves don't realise it until years later.

Thanks so much for the replies. There’s so much wisdom here and you’ve put my mind at ease.
I’ll just go ahead as usual. It’s no lie that she’s had a tough year and deserves a treat, so I’ll take that approach. Thank you @Myneighboursnorlax.