Is there a non rude way to avoid this waste?

[boxtogo]

Basically I'm wondering if there is a non controlling, non-rude, non-grabby, non-Grinch-like, way to get our relatives to tone down the amount that they buy for our DS, who is 7.

I've been having a bit of a sort out today and I'm finding toys and games that haven't been played with since the day he got them, if at all. It seems like such a waste and we are running out of places to put them. We have one particularly generous relative who fills an actual sack with toys for DS, and while I really appreciate their generosity, it's far too much.

I know I could give them away to charity, but the sack-giving relative likes to follow up with DS on how he got on with particular gifts and I know they'd take offence if they found out the gift had been passed on and DS wouldn't want to lie to them.

To make things harder, DS is the worlds worst actor. He's very polite and always says thank you for his gifts, but you can tell when he doesn't like something and that doesn't go over very well at Christmas.

I just feel like every year £100s are just pissed down the drain for no reason. It's not even as if DS particularly enjoys it as he just gets overwhelmed and retreats into himself a bit, particularly by sack relative. Also, in some ways I'd really rather that certain relatives kept back a bit more money to spend on themselves as they aren't exactly flush.

So I'm wondering if it would be rude/grabby/entitled etc to do one or a mixture of the following?

a) Ask for contributions towards something that DS would actually use. Can't think of anything right now, so lets say roller skates for the sake of argument.

b) Ask for book tokens/Kindle vouchers. DS loves reading and I think he would get a lot of use out of a gift like that.

c) Ask for contributions to/tickets to events. Might even be something we could do together with the gift givers, I could pick specific events that they would be interested in.

Or do I just put up and shut up?

I have the same problem, I don’t thi k you’re rude to ask for A, B or C. The problem we’ve had is people just want to buy whatever it is they have in mind and won’t buy anything they deem as ‘boring’ . Good luck, I hope you have more luck than we’ve had!

I suspect your sack-filling relative probably gets pleasure from buying the toys (especially if they are following up in the way you describe) so I doubt that they would get the same pleasure from chipping in for a communal present. With them you could come clean and say your DS loves receiving presents from them but is overwhelmed by how many there are and unable to play with them all and suggest they buy fewer or, if they want a connection with your son, could you suggest instead of toys they take him for a treat or day our somewhere?

For everyone else you coudl suggest a booken token and at least if some of them do this you will have cut down a bit on the toy mountain.

Would your relatives use a wishlist if you set one up? We've been using www.whattogive.com for years and like it because there's space to write a message along the lines of 'DS has been given so many lovely toys for his birthday/Christmas that he hasn't played with them all yet! Please don't feel you have to give him a present, but if you do, please just give him one thing so he has time to enjoy it'.

You can then list all sorts of ideas including days out, clothing, subscriptions to magazines, toys, general descriptions of things he's into e.g. he loves Lego and would like some basic bricks to boost his collection, books etc.

If you were to email the link to all relatives who buy for your DS, perhaps they'd take the hint.

It’s hard! I have a relative who holds very strong views about the importance of spoiling kids rotten with stupid tat at Christmas and goes out of her way to buy something overwhelming. And then I’ve another one who feels in competition with her.
The irritating thing is that at every developmental stage there are appropriate toys, and the well made ones that could be passed on in time are quite expensive.
But in their view I’m a boring parent depriving my dc of their inalienable childhood right to brightly coloured plastic.

One of them can at least be persuaded to buy the tat the dc actually want but the other will take any suggestion to absurd lengths; one year ds wanted a beanie boo (which was the school yard craze) but instead of buying a normal size one that might get carried everywhere and loved we got two giant ones that take up space without being particularly cuddly.
I have absolutely zero idea what you can do.

If your son doesn't play with them, how does he know you've given them away?

No advice for sack relative, my mum is the same with me even now and absolutely nothing will deter her. She's started doing the same to my children and dc1 finds presents so overwhelming that we had to space them out over a week or two.

@SE13Mummy thanks, I've started lists on there for dc, although the site is pretty clunky.

It's a terrible waste. My dc & I would much rather that relatives took them to the cinema or even a coffee shop/mcD treat, although I know it's hard not giving a gift to children.

In the end after years of asking so politely and begging for it to stop I got mean.

I told them to stop filling my house with crap. That come January I was the one wading through it all and I was sick to death of my house looking shit because grown adults couldn't do as they were told.
The limit was now one present each. That any more than that would be returned or given to charity immediately and that they were more than welcome to give as many gifts as they wanted. As long as they stayed at their house.

Worked a treat.

My advice start early. Phone them up for a casual chat. Drop in that you are starting your Christmas shopping early, then mention how difficult ds is to shop for now he has started to grow out of toys. All he is wanting is books etc etc.

My plan a would be to tell the relative that DS has too much stuff and now that he is getting older, would really like a xxxxx.

Alternatively, suggest practical items if they really want to do a sack eg drinks bottle, packed lunch box, umbrella etc.

@Nousernameforme that’s actually quite brilliant. I think I will use that.

I think that Nousername has nailed it. My slight concern though is that sack relative might think that if "everyone else" is giving him books, they should continue to give the plastic stuff. Only you know how well (s)he would take the hint.

Just beware that sack giving relative may buy gift as requested. And then pull out the sack on top of whatever was requested. I have an in-law which is terrible for this. Moving very very far away helped as they refuse to pay to post them!

My DS is 7 and this is the first year he has asked for things that are small but quite high value.

Perhaps you could help him put together an Amazon wish list, and ask sack giver to pick things from the list? Once bought, an item is removed from the list so no duplicates or overindulgence on stuff DS doesn't want.

Meant to say I asked for vouchers one year as I was saving up for some really lovely leather boots. DB inlaw complemented the boots and I was able to say thank you, you bought one of them for me for Christmas! He was well chuffed, so grouping together can still be a nice gift for the giver.

Following for ideas, my 'sack relative' doesn't confine the giving of piles of useless tat just for birthdays and christmas, oh no, we get bag fulls when she goes out for the day as well.
I started off thinking how kind she was, but now realise it is all done for her pleasure - with no thought for what happens afterwards and the processing of it all. She lives close to me and frequents the local charity shops, so i can't even discreetly dispose of it all. I've been driving round with a bag of 'stuff' for weeks, waiting to find an open charity shop far enough away that i won't offend her.
She is also the type that WOULD get offended if the stuff gets disposed of too soon, with frequent checks to see how often the 'gift' has been used. My dd's are getting better at the evasive answer and sudden conversation change. I figure it's a life skill they'll need.
I'd still prefer NOT to have the bags of crap though.

Seeing as out last house was tiny with no storage space, we got away with insisting we just didn't have room for much - is that worth a go?

Most gift givers we know are pretty list-complaint. One or two I'd like to have a word with about the random additional bits of tat, and I'll try suggestions from here. It clutters up the house for a few months then goes to the charity shop.

Yes buckeejit, the whattogive site is rather clunky! I think that's part of its charm; it doesn't feel corporate and it requires a bit of effort to add something to it so it's not like a churned off list/scroll through the stock of a mainstream supplier and just click 'add to gift list'.

The problem is some people buy presents for the sake of their own ego and are very anti wishlist. You can't reason with that.