Should I be okay with not spending Christmas with DP again ?

[Tinkerbellx]

Just that really .
Hugely overthinking lately I know .
Dp and I will have been together 2 years soon after Christmas .
Last Christmas it was all very new still I suppose and he spent Christmas day with his parents 200 miles away but stayed with me until Christmas Eve .
I told him how important Christmas was to me to be with him ( i know it is for all of us but Christmas is very difficult for personal reasons ) .
He said he would spend this Christmas with me unless of course his siblings were all back . They both live abroad .
I know because i over heard his mum say they had booked their tickets for Christmas that they'll all be home so bang goes another Christmas .
We haven't even discussed it yet but I'm fairly certain he'll go and I can understand why too . His dm is very poorly so it may be the last Christmas they are all together .
I have dc and their father who has them every other sat night has and never will have them Christmas .
He only started seeing them regularly after 2 years absent 2 years ago so he won't suddenly do the whole Christmas thing . The dc wouldn't want to go to him anyway .
I can feel myself getting worked up over this already .
I know we should discuss it but he has a lot going on at the moment and it would be really bad timing on my part to bring Christmas up so not an option . Besides I want to see what he does / suggests nearer the time .
Last year I had to ask him 3 days before .
I'm just concerned he won't try and factor me in at all which I know is going to hurt .
Should I expect him to factor me in Christmas Day ( his parents haven't met my dc ) or is is perfectly normal for bf and gf to spend Christmas at their own families this early on and when not married or living together .
Should I just chill ?

I think that it's normal for people who aren't cohabiting and have been together only a couple of years to spend Christmas apart. However, that's MY normal, and that of my mates. You feel differently, and that's fine too. I would say though, that if it could be his mum's last one, and the other children are flying over for it, it might be best to leave them to it. Plan something good for NY Eve instead.

I think it's normal enough not to spend christmas together, especially given the circumstances (your DC and his mum).

Thanks Super .
Maybe I'll suggest driving down by myself Boxing Day to join him as I know his siblings have asked to meet me which is lovely and that might me a compromise ? X

Unless you're prepared to go with him to his family's, I wouldn't push it at this stage. Let him see his family and you enjoy Christmas with your children. That sounds 'normal' to me. Next year, however, you could open an early dialogue about this - could all of his family stay with you for example.

Would you be able to go with him? You are in a relationship and should discuss this with him. You might find he would like you to go with him too. You need to be honest with him about how you feel.

I think you answered your own question at the end. Yes, you should just chill.
Enjoy the fact you have your DC with you and that you can have a great chilled Christmas with them. Don’t worry about your DP or your DC’s father. Just move a positive focus on having a fab day with your children without having to please anyone else.

It's great for you that you have your DC with no argument from their dad.

It's great that your boyfriend is so caring towards his mum.

It's very sad that it might be his mum's last Christmas - of course he wants to spend it with her.

You don't live together and he has a difficult time with his mum being ill - hold fire on Christmas and tell him you hope he has a lovely time. What else can you do?

I would not be chilling... Until I read the bit about poor health, and that would totally change things for me.

My ex dp could not be bothered to drive 45miles and spend our first Christmas together, even though he doesn't really like it and it really made no difference to him if he was with his family or me, and so, as an absolute Christmas fanatic, to whom it made an enormous difference, that was a massive nail in the coffin so to speak.

I wouldn't let him spend our second Christmas with me, because all I could do was think about how shitty he'd made me feel the year before and I didn't want a second Christmas ruined.

Sounds daft to a lot of people, I know, but I get where you're coming from OP, if it's a really big deal to you, it's not an easy thing to forget. And you get an annual reminder lol.

The second year, after seeing you being upset that you weren't together for your first Christmas, he should be with you. But, then it's likely to be his last Christmas with his mum, and that has to be his priority. Something like that takes precedent every time. It just has to.

Talk to him. You say you have personal reasons why Christmas is so important to you, and whilst his mum needs to come first, it shouldn't also mean you should be left out... Especially if he's aware of the reasons you find Christmas difficult.

Would you going with him be out of the question? Is it that different to arrive in Christmas day than boxing day if you're going to make a 200 mile trip?

Sending Christmas hugs, I really feel for you xx

Sorry OP but I think you need to gracefully accept that this Christmas DP will be with his mum.

Also I don’t think you should suggest joining them, to be blunt if he wanted you there he would have asked, and I can see his point, you and him are still early days, you don’t know his family and often in times like this people do tend to close ranks, so don’t take it personally, it’s just bad timing of a bad situation.

Plan something lovely for your own Christmas that assumes DP will be away for the festive period, and you can do something nice together after.

In agree with Underhereye. Forget about this Christmas, let him spend the time, alone with his family. Dont offer to viist him, if he had wanted you there he would have suggested it. Its a private time, a dying relative is not a time to introduce a new girlfriend and her kids. Its possibly his Mother's last Christmas, would you really want to intrude. If you and he are in it for the long haul you can be generous. Wait till next year. Have a lovely time with you and your children. Maybe do something with him before Christmas visit a Christmas market. Decorate the tree, lots of restaurants do Christmas menus from early December.

This might be his last Christmas with his mum?!

Not sure why you’re focused on your needs right now. Very confused.

Without that factor, you’d have every right to discuss him spending it with you, but if his mum is so unwell it might be her last, I really can’t understand why you’re making any kind of an issue at all.

Switch the scenario, if it was the last Christmas with your mum who would you spend it with? Your mum or your partner?

Or, if it was your last Christmas with your children, who would you like them to spend it with? You or their partner?

Be supportive, don't make any demands and visit his family over the Christmas period and see how it pans out. Next year could be very different and he could be supporting a widowed father.

I agree to leave Christmas itself this year, although if MIL is up to your dc visiting then I might consider a trip down if she would like to see them and you think you and they will be an ongoing part of your dp's life. It does of course depend on their view of you in general. You have Christmas with your dc, your dp needs to be with his mother and a last Christmas can be rather emotional.

Thank you everyone .
I feel much more chilled now about sending him off with my blessing after reading your posts .

Can you suggest to him, that you are sure he probably wouldn't want you and dc to join his family for Christmas, but that it would be lovely if you could arrange some time to visit so you can meet his siblings?

His dm is very poorly so it may be the last Christmas they are all together

That’s the end of the story. His siblings are coming home for it. Our last Christmas with my Mum is still a really special memory for me, we were all together for the first time in years. If you’re going to be together longterm you have plenty of time for Christmas together. Focus on your kids this year, it’s not like you’ll be alone.

I've been with my husband 20 years and we have 3 young children. If it was his mother's last year id fully expect for her to come first over us. Even in our situation it would be odd for her not to be priority.