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Christmas

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Original poster

Deciding where to spend Christmas

31 replies

SnuggyBuggy · 28/08/2018 14:36

How do people negotiate what they are doing for Christmas?

Without wanting to write an essay my MIL is sort of the family matriarch who always hosts at Christmas. My DH has a family member who literally never had a Christmas at home growing up for example. It's just the done thing to go there for Christmas.

I'm not completely against going to my in laws at Christmas but I don't want to do it every single year. However my DH says he doesn't like small Christmases and we don't have anyone else to invite. I'm happy to invite and host his family but I know that they will say no.

It may well still be August but ILs are going to have the conversation about Christmas plans in the next week or so. Ugh how would you resolve this.

OP posts:
OnNaturesCourse · 28/08/2018 14:40

No advice but in a similar situation.

I have always spent Christmas in my childhood home with family, and my DP just fell into this tradition but now we have DC our other family members are starting to get pushy about where we go. DP is also pushing to go to a different house each year kinda thing, but Christmas to me is going 'home'. It's always been like that, and I really wouldn't enjoy Christmas in some of the other houses.

Christmas is never easy.

3WildOnes · 28/08/2018 14:56

We alternate one year with my family and one year with DHs family. If you have no family to visit or invite over then you could spend your year at yours just the 2 of you if you’d rather. I think that’s the fairest way.

Alanamackree · 28/08/2018 15:02

Sounds a lot like my situation. Dh’s siblings were also divorced and estranged from their in laws so there was no reason to ever question Christmas until I came along.
We agreed from the outset to every other Christmas which in practice means that one year we spend Christmas Eve until Boxing day at a minimum with his family, and on other years I host my family so we visit his family on Christmas Eve and Boxing Day, field phone and Skype calls from mil and a visit on Christmas Day. sigh Hmm
Christmas is a much bigger deal with his family than with mine, and I know DH doesn’t enjoy spending it with mine, and they would be quite happy for us to spend it by ourselves (so they could too) but I keep dragging them in to it every other year just to keep mil at bay. DH won’t agree to a Christmas by ourselves.
If he actually enjoyed Christmas it would be worthwhile but he just endures it. We’ve hosted his parents a couple of years (allowing his now remarried sister to spend it with her new in laws and his db to have their first Christmas at home) and it was actually really enjoyable. It’s far easier on me to cook Christmas dinner than to haul Santa Claus to another house and manage a ds with asd in a very unyielding environment.
I’m actually reading your op with envy because your family decide this in August. Nothing will be agreed among my lot til December.

Saymaname · 28/08/2018 15:08

Had one miserable Xmas at my ex mil, never again. Got pushed into one Xmas at my dps family, never again. Now we stay home and my DM and DF join us. I use the kids as an excuse, they like to stay home. Which is handy.

supadupapupascupa · 28/08/2018 15:12

With kids you always have the upper hand I think. Kids should be at home Christmas Day. With visitors. Alternate between families if it’s easier.

Strawberrymelon · 28/08/2018 15:12

I also use my DC as an excuse and tell everyone they like to stay home. We stay home morning and afternoon then visit family in the evening.

TittyGolightly · 28/08/2018 15:16

We don’t go anywhere. We spend a weekend with each side of the family at some point between Sept and Feb (involves travel for us) and the. We choose a separate day at sometime between Nov and Jan to have our own “Xmas”. 25th Dec is a non-day in effect so we stay in PJs and eat something like fish pie or beans on toast.

Basically xmas is a massive pile of shit as far as we’re concerned so we engage in as little of it as possible and that includes other people’s expectations.

SeaToSki · 28/08/2018 15:16

When my dc arrived I made a rule, Christmas is always at home. We can travel before or after, but never on the day. Mind you, I have 4 dc and live overseas - so travelling for Christmas would be mind achingly expensive in plane flights and a huge hassle to pack for (thats my excuse anyway 😬)

ShowOfHands · 28/08/2018 15:24

We used to alternate but over the years it's morphed into seeing my family on the 25th and the ILs on the 26th. I host on Christmas Day now as my parents are older and we have more room. I have my parents, brother, aunt and nieces as a minimum.

Original poster
SnuggyBuggy · 28/08/2018 15:30

Supadupa that's what it comes down to, I want to do a Christmas for DD in our own home at least some of the time. My DH points out that Cousin X has spent all of her Christmases away from home, her DM has never done Christmas but I simply don't want that for DD.

I would invite my family but DDad works in retail so doesn't get time off then. Parents are hoping to retire soon so that will open up the possibility of Christmases together at either house.

OP posts:
paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 28/08/2018 16:23

We have hosted since having twins as (unplanned) DC3 and 4. I think everyone felt so monumentally sorry for us they stopped expecting us to travel, and wanted to be able to escape our brood when they'd had enough! We both have large families and multiple matriarchs but it always seem to work out. I think the way to be chilled about it is to see Christmas as a whole season, and not get too hung up on the day itself. One of our favourite years was when we had a big gathering with my family on 28th Dec and recreated Christmas, which sounds awful but was very funny. For us the season starts around 15 Dec and ends 2 Jan) and anything in between is fair game as 'Christmas'.

I know how your husband feels though, after huge family Christmas's my whole life I was a little apprehensive about the first one with 'just' the 6 of us a couple of years ago.

When your DH says he wants to go to his family home, does he mean the day, or the whole Xmas Eve to Boxing day shebang? If DH and I disagreed I could compromise on the day itself easily if I could ensure Christmas Eve & Boxing Day were free for me to plan but wouldn't agree to being railroaded into his family every single year for 3 days. In that case we'd need to agree every other year.

TittyGolightly · 28/08/2018 16:26

Why be a slave to xmas on a completely arbitrary date though? Do what you want when you want.

NachoCheese22 · 28/08/2018 16:27

I put my foot down a few years ago. We were 'made' to go and have Christmas at my MILs but the kids just wanted to be at home. I politely but firmly told my husband that the kids have decided that we are staying put on Christmas day and that was that! It's been that way for the last three years. My husband realised how much more relaxed and lovely it is and the compromise is we see her and the rest of the rabble on Boxing Day. Bliss

Disfordarkchocolate · 28/08/2018 16:35

I used to do the traveling but decided before it got into a routine that I wouldn't travel, it's just not fair on children who eventually end up resentful. Happy to see people before or after, and my husband was happy with this. If he hadn't been I would have travelled some years so he could have his Christmas of choice too.

Xenadog · 28/08/2018 17:52

OP, tell your DH To run home to mummy for Christmas if he feels the need. You and DC are staying in your family home and going to enjoy Christmas in your own home.

I would never agree to spending every Christmas with DP’s family as it’s neither relaxing or fun. We have every Christmas at home with DC and see no one on Christmas Day. It’s relaxed and we see both families over the Christmas period but just not on the day itself.

Your DH needs to learn to compromise or spend the day without his own family. He sounds a bit pathetic tbh, like he’s on a bit of elastic connected to his mum!

Original poster
SnuggyBuggy · 28/08/2018 18:03

To be fair on DH he just wants a crowd, my family would be just as good Grin

We typically go and stay a few days because it's several hours drive, I don't object to that and have stayed with them with DD twice. It's a perfectly nice place to stay and MIL does a great roast.

There is no animosity with either of our families, neither pressure us to do anything it's just that his side are in the habit of doing the same thing every year.

OP posts:
Alloverthefrontpage · 28/08/2018 18:29

Me and dh always had Christmas with my family at various relatives houses depending on who's hosting.

Since dc were old enough to get Christmas we've stayed at home, usually just my parents come over on the day.

We've never spent Christmas with the in laws and probably never will.

JassyRadlett · 28/08/2018 18:32

However my DH says he doesn't like small Christmases and we don't have anyone else to invite.

Why are your likes and preferences less important?

Original poster
SnuggyBuggy · 28/08/2018 19:32

To be fair a small Christmas isn't what I would choose. We had to do it a few years back when I couldn't get any extra time off work and I didn't want to spend the bank holidays in a traffic jam. It was a bit crap to be fair.

OP posts:
HandbagCrazy · 28/08/2018 20:09

No dc here so it's slightly different.

My dm is the matriarch. My aunt and cousin have never done Christmas dinner / afternoon anywhere else in my lifetime (i'm mid 30s). I think sometimes they want to but they don't want the hassle of upsetting dm. She's lovely but she's really proud of her way of doing Christmas and would hate to change it.

MIL lives too far away and doesn't care about Christmas so we don't worry about seeing her at that time.

FIL lives an hour away and we spent a lot of time travelling to see everyone, especially as Dsis and SIL had children at roughly the same time.

In the end the pressure got too much. DH asked every year if we could go away and one year, after SIL telling DH she was so upset we wouldn't be there to watch her dds open presents (which would mean up and travelling by 7am!) and dm laying on a guilt trip about us not seeing her until the evening, I told DH to book before I changed my mind.

We went to Prague. It was lovely, no routine, cold, snowy, grown up with good food, drinks and walks somewhere beautiful.
It seems to have set a precedent with family as they invite us rather than assume now. It stopped the arguments and made the family think about what they were doing I think.
We've settled into a pattern of going away every other year and it's lovely.

This probably won't be what you want with DC but I think you need to both compromise and be willing to try a Christmas you haven't done before - you both deserve to enjoy the day!

TheMonkeyMummy · 28/08/2018 20:19

It took me having a few kids to break the tradition of always going to PIL , and say I was starting my own...

We now do Christmas Day at home, (family are welcome to join us if they want but we aren't going anywhere). Boxing Day is for the whole family.

My FIL won't go anywhere so we just leave them to it.

Roseandvioletcreams · 28/08/2018 23:28

It's one of those days things it is what you make it.

Like anything. You have to think of unusual things to do.

toomanyeastereggsurghh · 29/08/2018 07:15

We alternate between dh’s family and my family. My family is always hosted at my parents with my siblings and their kids plus an Auntie and Uncle or two and some cousins etc it is a big noisy family Christmas. For his family it’s very small just us plus his mum, and sometimes his sister, held either at his mum’s, or at ours, no other children so it’s all very sedate.

Dh does not enjoy my family Christmas, I do not enjoy his family Christmas but we both put up with it because it is fair.

Justabadwife · 29/08/2018 07:48

We go to my mums.
We did years of alternating in laws one year, my mums one year. But in laws was getting silly, there was 14 of us in a not massive house, and it was over an hours drive away and they want us there for just after 9.
My mums house is a 2 min walk, we rock up just before lunch, and then the neighbours come round for a party in the evening. It's more relaxed, and dd can play with her new toys, without people standing on them.

raininthenightgarden · 29/08/2018 07:52

We are scrupulously fair and alternate years so each get to decide what we do and where we go. It's the only way to preserve harmony for us as it's a contentious/ emotional issue.