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Christmas

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Original poster

How do you explain to family you aren't attending/hosting this year?

27 replies

JustWantCake · 10/07/2018 11:48

Every year my Mum's side (especially my mum and Nan) expect that I will be either at my mum's for Christmas or hosting everyone at ours.

On the years we have tried to squeeze in multiple visits to my sides of the family and DH's parents there has been uproar that we aren't spending enough time with anyone over Christmas.

MiL also gets very upset if we don't see her for long enough.

Problem is, my mum and the PiL live a good hours drive apart and DH doesn't drive so it falls on me every year to ferry us about to see everyone. When we host it, the numbers get stupid, last year we had 18 people over! The table literally took the whole length of the living room and I spent all day in the kitchen trying to cook for that stupid amount of people missing out on my DS' 1st Christmas.

Anyway, its only bloomin July and my Nan has already started asking what my plans are for xmas. I told her "we don't know yet" and she was all like "well surely you are spending it with your mum or at least hosting again so you can see me all day, you know I might not be here next year" - she says this every bloody year and about every weekend. Do not get me wrong, I obviously love my Nan and her company but she always guilt trips me.

I'm getting serious anxiety about it all already and DH is really campaigning for just us 3 to go away for Xmas. I love this idea as for once (since the age of 12) I might actually be able to relax and enjoy the holiday season and spend my time with DS too!

Guess this is the issue when there is 3 sets of parents to try and see in 1 bloody day!

How do I handle the drama caused by me saying "actually, it will just be us 3 this Christmas?" or AIBU by ditching family during the festive season! urghhhh

Sorry for such long post!

OP posts:
BiddyPop · 10/07/2018 15:10

Tell them that, now that you are parents themselves, and given how much you missed out on DS's first Christmas last year, you want to enjoy the day with him and your DH at home, and not be entertaining everyone.

But also let them know that you do want to see them over the holidays, and (having looked at both DH and your diaries first and agreed dates) invite them over for a gathering on a date that suits you. So a buffet on 26th for everyone, or different sit-down meals for the different sets of parents etc. Or suggest all going to something together as a seasonal treat - a local National Trust Christmas event, or a panto, or a lovely walk (complete with festive hot chocolate in flasks and mince pies picnic!) in a local beauty spot.....

thricethebrindledcat · 10/07/2018 15:34

Now that DC are old enough to have plans of their own, OH and I are always away on holiday over Christmas and New Year. It's become expected for us and we find it infinitely better after the thankless shopping, catering, present buying and receiving pitfalls or hangovers, so it's a win-win for us.

The first year we did it we had gone for a couple of years without a holiday so Christmas time wasn't thought too strange, and for subsequent times everyone's been ok with it. Abroad, we can actually relax and take it at our own pace. We put what we would have spent as presents to each other towards the holiday, and just give each other something funny on the day.

We would never go back to the bad old ways, which were just like standing in the drizzle tearing up £50 notes Smile

RandomMess · 10/07/2018 15:34

You do it now!!

"People have started asking me about our Christmas plans. DH and I have decided we are going away on holiday the 3 of us this year"

BiddyPop · 10/07/2018 16:06

Sorry, yes, I meant to say it was about saying what YOU want to do but that, now you are your own family unit, you want to make your own traditions. But also making it clear that while those may be different to what you have always done, you are not rejecting your family, just doing something different on Christmas Day (or however many days).

Original poster
JustWantCake · 10/07/2018 16:51

Thank you, I will say all this to my family. Would it be okay to suggest that us 3 spend a whole day with each set of parents so maybe 27th, 28th and 29th? (as I think we will go away 24-26)

I just know the tears that my nan is gonna start doing every time I see her from when I tell her this is gonna be unbearable though. And no doubt my mum will call me selfish and horrible like she usually does if I do not fall in line with what she wants.

OP posts:
100thousandreasons · 10/07/2018 16:55

We have 3 sets of parent to visit too. We always do one 24th, one 25th and one 26th and rotate them.

Once the DC are older and want to stay home with their new toys then we'll be doing that but I'm not cooking lunch for 12+! I'll do a cold evening buffet and whoever can come if they like.

Tell your family now and ignore guilt trips!

Iwouldliketostopfeelingsicknow · 10/07/2018 18:24

Nothing constructive to add but I’m in the same boat Flowers I actually prefer spending time with my in laws but my parents seem to think that only they are important. Father’s day and mother’s day are usually spent with them.

We said last year that we were doing our own thing and they were fine with it ... until the time actually came and they had an almighty strop and
arguments followed the following January.

I’d just nip it in the bud and keep repeating that your doing your own thing. Easier said than done when you are being guilt tripped Sad

SnuggyBuggy · 10/07/2018 18:27

Tell them now and give them time to get used to it.

purgotas · 10/07/2018 18:28

Jut book your holiday once it's booked then you can't be talked out of it and that's you can let people know now.

'Me and dp just booked a lovely break over Christmas this year can't wait to relax and enjoy it, we were thinking we could come see yous on the 27th if that day suits'

Then 28th for next parents and so on.

FiestaThenSiesta · 10/07/2018 18:41

“I just know the tears that my nan is gonna start doing every time I see her from when I tell her this is gonna be unbearable though.”

Nan, I had x Christmases with you already. If this is your last Christmas season, do you really want me to remember you trying to make me feel bad for half a year for wanting to focus on my child just this once - because that’s how I will remember you.

To your mum... funny how I’m selfish everytime you don’t get your way. Change the record mum or I won’t be seeing you on the 27th either. And repeat.

RandomMess · 10/07/2018 19:06

If they are that manipulative I'd tell them you'll see them at Easter Grin

MorrisDancingViv · 10/07/2018 19:18

I sympathise. I'm due to give birth close to Xmas. To date both DM and MIL are repeatedly asking me about Xmas day. I've told them both that we are spending Xmas day at home just me, DP and dd3 (and dc2 if it's born). This is not going down well as it's DM's turn this year to 'have us' as we spent last year with MIL.

What I would dearly love to say in my case is 'fuck off, it's fucking July, don't bother me again about this until November at the very earliest', however, in reality I'm just going to have to repeat our plans ad naseum for the next 5 months (with a monotone voice, eye rolling and 'hmph, I've already told you...' whilst listening to MIL saying 'well just see how you feel' - she expected me to attend a restaurant meal 3 days post partum with DD3 despite having not slept for 48 hours before I gave birth Hmm).

In your case, I'd just book somewhere and present it as a done deal.

In my case, the shit will hit the fan if the baby is born before Xmas because in that situation I'm not going to visit anyone at all and I also won't be hosting.

bandthenjust · 11/07/2018 15:14

You gotta nip this in bud straight away! I'm a hypocrite for saying this too, as I 've always ended up with others at Xmas. My mum s 'all alone' so I get guilted into being at hers/hosting her at Xmas. I've never had my own Christmas with just my dh and dcs in the ten years we've been together.
Interested in hearing what others suggest on this thread!

LemonBreeland · 11/07/2018 15:25

The first thing you need to do is work on not feeling guilty for wanting to do your own thing. You are even asking here if what you plan to suggest is okay. Whatever you want to do is okay. It doesn't matter what anyone else wants.

If you didn't want to see them until mid January it would be fine, it's your decision. I agree with whoever said just book something and present it as a done deal.

Original poster
JustWantCake · 11/07/2018 15:34

Thank you all!

I'll talk to DH tonight about booking somewhere to go away asap. Then its a sealed deal. DH is stronger than me in putting his foot down at least.

Hope everything goes okay with the xmas baby MorrisDancingViv

OP posts:
RicStar · 11/07/2018 15:37

Last year we invited everyone to ours safe in the knowledge they wouldn't come - as they want us to do the schlepping around. As a result we had a lovely day with the 4 of us. Obviously won't work for everyone.

Original poster
JustWantCake · 11/07/2018 15:39

Yeah didn't work out for us last year, ended up having literally everyone over! haha

OP posts:
marthastew · 11/07/2018 15:44

We were in exactly the same position but with our families being 3 hrs drive apart. MIL has no other family.

But we said that we will not be travelling at Christmas and whoever wants to come to us can come to us. It does sometimes get a bit big but it's so nice not packing up all the kids.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 11/07/2018 16:30

MorrisDancing you need to come on over to the Christmas Countdown 2018 Part 4 thread.

We neeeeed a Christmas Thread Baby.
We're all not in the running/already dealing with small DC/too old (I'm firmly in the Too Old catergory)

You have The Christmas Thread Baby..............you'll be treated like royalty as my DS says Xmas Grin

Lotsofdigestives · 11/07/2018 16:49

This year we’re off to centre parcs. Didn’t discuss before hand, just said it. I just fancied Xmas for the 5 of us, I don’t mind seeing family, but it’s so relaxing not having to worry about travelling, sleeping in hot, uncomfortable rooms and feeling constantly scrutinised.

Original poster
JustWantCake · 11/07/2018 16:59

That be a great place to spend xmas!

I think we will be trying for a tiny cottage or something on the coast

OP posts:
Lotsofdigestives · 11/07/2018 16:59

Sounds ideal

Fluffycloudland77 · 12/07/2018 19:36

You'll need to book asap, then announce it afterwards. We did that after one particularly disastrous xmas.

A small isolated cottage sounds ideal. Only one bed obviously. You don't want anyone joining you.

Also any of us could die at anytime so don't let your grandmother guilt you.

RainSim · 12/07/2018 19:41

If i were you I would break the tradition by booking a holiday. Could you blame it on your DH? Say DH really wants a holiday?

OlennasWimple · 12/07/2018 19:46

Just say what you want to do, do it, and let them worry about it as much - or little - as they wish