Dc just told me what their presents are

[Papergirl1968]

I didn’t know whether to post this in adoption or teenagers or here.
The dds, 16 and 13, were just going to bed when oldest triumphantly reeled off three or four of the surprises I’d got for them. They’ve obviously been poking around.
They’re adopted and have lots of issues and I know oldest in particular has said a few times that she doesn’t like surprises but I put a lot of thought into these things.
The glee in her voice - kind of like saying “you can’t keep any secrets from us” - and that this happened at 10.45pm when there’s no time to do exchanges, resulted in me bursting into tears.
We’ve had a shitty year and I’m a single parent.
Everything has to be spoilt, birthdays, Christmas, days out. I should have learned by now they just can’t handle it.

It's not spoilt, they will still like the gifts

It's just their way of keeping themselves safe - I know you know this.

Do you feel that they wanted to spoil the day for you? Or just that they feel happier knowing ahead of time what they'll get?

i always know what I am getting (and always have) the lack of surprise doesn't ruin the day. Please don't be upset

It's not spoilt the only bit which has changed Is the suprise element but as she don't like surprises then that's not much of a problem. I can see why it upset you though.

I know, Laurie , it’s just so bloody hard sometimes. The effects of trauma creep into every single bit of our lives.
mxyzptlk I don’t know if it’s thoughtlessness or actually quite calculating. I don’t think they wanted to spoil the day, it’s about control, I think.
If I hadn’t got them any surprises, that wouldn’t be right either.

Them knowing won't ruin the day. Sorry to hear you had a bad year, you sound absolutely lovely though xx and you sound like a thoughtful parent.

There’s lots going on right now, including tracing birth family on Facebook last week, which has rocked me and made me feel insecure.
I’m tired and they’ve done nothing to help round the house. They’ve had to be nagged to shower and to pick up their sweet wrappers etc.
I sometimes feel like all I am is the skivvy and the money tree.

Don't be sad. If it is about control, that's normal for 16 and 13 irrespective of trauma. Also nagging to shower, leaving sweet wrappers - all normal, normal, normal.

have a nice treat for yourself and enjoy their pleasure when they open the gifts.

My dd cheerfully announced he other day she knew what her and her DB have for Xmas as she’d seen my amazon account when I’d left it on her tablet!
I nearly crashed the car but she thought it was funny luckily and is past the Santa stage. She also has kept it from her brother who is a firm believer in Santa!

No. It's a being in control thing. They will still be happy with their gifts.

Thank you everyone, your kindness is making me cry again!
Tomorrow is another day and all that.
Merry Christmas [santa]

My DC are also adopted and this time of year is really hard. They are a bit too young to try and find BP on social media but as DS is 10 I know it's only a matter of time. I have told them what some of their presents are because they get so anxious, but of course they can't express the anger clearly so their behaviour is very tricky to manage. We have a really crazy few months each year as they have September and October birthdays, the it's the run up to Christmas and all that excitement and anxiety. Then we have BF contact (siblings) in Jan. I hate it and look forward to a less unsettled few months. And I have DH I have no idea how you manage OP.

You are going to have a lovely day! Just take everything as it comes. And let them off the showering for tomorrow
I wasn't going to say earlier...but I used to hunt for my presents and still do I used to get too wound up not knowing. I never told my parents tho. I suspect they probably knew...

They love you and you make them feel comfortable enough to talk openly and be themselves.

After doing some adoption training through work I think foster parents and people who adopt are basically angels. You're doing a wonderful job and you clearly recognise that this isn't them being nasty, it's just another reminder of the terrible things they had to endure before you played your part in rescuing them and giving them a chance at a 'normal' childhood. And that's not to say it doesn't suck that they've done it but as others have said, for them it doesn't mean Christmas is ruined.

Agree Op-I always hunted for my pressies from dps. I couldn't stNd not knowing so can only imagine how it feels for adoptees.

Hope you manage to have a great Christmas nonetheless-they'll probably be pleased there are no surprises. Don't beat yourself up

I’m not adopted but I suffered a parent dying very suddenly as a child and I was subsequently sexually abused. I HATE surprises of every kind - nice and awful and it is definitely a control thing. Sometimes even nice surprises can make me lash out a bit (by being grumpy) until I calm down and get used to the idea. I’m very sorry that their behaviour affects you but please try to put a brave face on if you can. Surprises represent change and change can be bad.

You’re over thinking it. She
Doesn’t like surprises and she hasn’t got any surprises tomorrow now. That’s her decision. And totally fine.

In my house right now my 3 dc in their 20s have chocolate papers glasses etc everywhere..its family life at Christmas..and other days. Also we did Secret Santa but everyone has told others who they have although supposed to be a surprise . But it will all be fun tomorrow. And so will your day. Start afresh in the morning. Lots of hugs if that goes down well and all being together is brilliant so just enjoy any moment of joy.

How was Christmas Day in the end OP? Hope you had a lovely time.

Don't stress about it. Next year you could ask whether they would prefer surprises or not- one of my foster children can't cope with them so she helps me wrap her presents and gets pleasure from that, it's about whatever works..
One of mine saud he had too many things and couldn't put them away in his room - I have suggested he can just have one present next year so he doesn't have that problem!

I hope you all had a lovely Christmas OP!! Just to put into perspective, my DC are 10 & 12 and I have to nag constantly to get them to shower, pick up sweet wrappers, take plates/cups to the kitchen, pick clothes up off the floor, brush their hair, make their beds... it's exhausting!!! So so normal x

Christmas Day wasn’t too bad, but Christmas night was difficult, with oldest dd calling me a fucking cunt and other delightful names.
Boxing Day they ran off back and spent the day with their newly rediscovered brother’s friend.
Today they’ve run off again, after unsuccessfully trying to smuggle some alcohol out of the house. Swearing, screaming, giving me the finger etc.
There’s just no respect there, none at all.