Fecking bastarding gingerbread house

[BewareOfTheToddler]

I now know why the rates of alcoholism in Northern Europe are higher than one might expect in view of the prices: fecking bastarding gingerbread houses! The bloody roof fell off and the whole thing collapsed - have built it up again sans roof and plan to leave it overnight before attempting the roof again, but honestly.

Dining room table (kitchen too small for such creations) and floor are now covered in hundreds and thousands, and I appear to have eaten approximately 15% of the decorations. And still no bloody house.

Oh, and a piece of advice: do not make this in the presence of your toddler. Because you will be that parent who gets hauled in for the chat at nursery about Language in the New Year. Thank God my cat can't repeat what I say. You're welcome.

Didn’t you know that gingerbread houses you make yourself never stand up, that prefab gingerbread houses will only stand up 10% of the time and that icing makes crap cement??

It’s not you. It’s the poor quality building materials. Happy Christmas!

Did you use Royale icing? Normal icing didnt work for me but Royale icing held it all together.

Ah... I was watching something about gingerbread houses on tv earlier, and I'm sure that superglue was mentioned.

Yup, royal icing, and I am not new to baking.

Thanks Nettletheelf- why the fuck are there so many recipes for the damn things then, eh? Is it just a massive conspiracy?

Use toothpicks

Superglue would explain a lot - maybe that's why a lot of them don't get eaten. The cat is now eyeing ours with interest, which is the last thing I need.

Toothpicks aren't long enough to hold the roof in place! But good idea. We may have bamboo skewers somewhere....

If not, it'll have to be a festive ruined cottage.

Molten sugar. It might not reduce the swearing, because risk of burning is high; you really shouldn’t do it with the toddler, for the same reason, but it sticks like superglue and sets fast.

After years of Ginger bread subsidence, this year I have added an additional flat roof, like a ceiling, for the pitched roof to stand on, made my own royal icing with extra egg white and no glycerine, and reinforced the end walls with flake chocolate bars for a half timbered effect. Candy canes also reinforce load bearing joints. I must admit it looks like a Pinterest fail, it's so messy, but it's bloody well standing!

We bought a village from Morrison’s . I was dubious due to more buildings to collapse but smaller was better .

God, never attempted one, sounds dreadful.

Tried making a festive red velvet cake tonight, it tasted like soured cream binned it, even the cat wouldn't look twice..

Have you any play doh? I imagine you could make some pillars/columns with that to hold the roof on? No one will want to eat it anyway, or at least the bastards in my house never would.

Oh but ps a word of warning OP : cats like home made royal icing. It turned out that while I was piping icicles down one edge, the kitten was eating them off the other.

Candy cane RSJs! That’s innovation!

Collapsed roof: do a couple of cardboard elves/Hansel and Gretal escaping and you're a genius.

You're welcome.

Spangles, I like your style! Problem is, we've only got one candy cane....

MrsTerryPratchett, I think ultimately that's the look I'm going for. Except at the moment, we have two Christmas trees, two snowmen and two cats (toddler choice, several hours ago) and all look as though they've been on the sauce.

Speaking of which, would prosecco help? Maybe I could use the empty bottle as a support? (It's a miniature one)

Right, I'm going in to have one last attempt on the roof - wish me luck!

develops new sense of respect for those working in the construction industry

You need thick royal icing - toothpaste consistency, in a piping bag. I do several of them every year for a party and never have a problem constructing them.
This is this years batch.

I’d make it flat in 2D instead of 3D. Fewer parts and no risk of collapse. All the same to a toddler!

I tried a gingerbread house from a kit one year. Stupid ducking thing. Never again. Satisfied my kids with gingerbread men.

Prosecco will certainly help (you), I don't know why more engineers and architects aren't necking it back! Broken roof, by the way, can be made into a crazy paving style patio with judicious icing mortar between the broken bits.

Try constructing an internal cardboard support and building the gingerbread house around it. Support the outside using jars/tins so the sides can't flop down. Just imagine scaffolding at a building sit.

Plus it's better to join the walls and leave for a few hours or overnight to set before attempting the roof. Make a 'glue' with egg white and icing sugar, or if you are brave, use molten toffee as another PP suggested. I've also noticed edible 'glue' in the baking section of our local supermarket.

Do all of the above while toddler is asleep!

Good luck! It's worth persevering & once it's covered in sweets and icing no-one will notice any wonkiness!

Wow NannyR, thats a whole gingerbread housing estate you have there !

Well, the fecking bastarding roof is now on. Aided by another cup of tea (me, not the house) and held in place by four carefully balanced bowls which are in turn wedged with half my recipe collection. Which means:

a) It will hold and set and look Bootiful in the morning.

b) I'll come downstairs to find the roof has fallen in during the night, in which case it's a festive ruined cottage in the woods (two trees make a wood, right?).

c) I will be drifting off to sleep once the toddler has joined me in bed around 0300 when the entire household will be woken with a crash as all my recipe books plus gingerbread collapse in a heap on the floor.

Anyone want to start a sweepstake?! My money's on b) - too many sweeties on the roof.

NannyR, all good advice - royal icing was indeed toothpaste consistency but I think I'm going to make my own next year using the tips above rather than a packet.

On the plus side, the cat has finally got bored and fucked off, and will be shut out of the living room overnight (tree and gingerbread house! Such generous humans!) Toddler has actually started grassing her up and giggling while shouting "Dat Tee!" when she swipes at baubles when I'm out of the room.

rcit, I would be lying if I said I made this for the toddler

Just add a dinosaur. Nothing like a rampaging T-Rex for effective partial demolition.

Good thinking outside the box. I might add a Routemaster too a la baked beans and egg scene in the Naughty Bus book....

This is going to be very Instagram-worthy, methinks not that I actually have an account

Before it collapses, as thanks for the moral support!

Looks amazing!