How to compete with perfect ex...

[ladyofassumption]

Hi all,

I split with my ex years ago, me and DC had been living with my BF now we've split up and I'm alone again. How do I compete with my ex and his perfect Christmas(with endless cash) and my rather frugal one in a crappy rental. DC is nearly a teen so not sure a bit of glitter and baking will fix it .... all ideas welcome !

Don't compete.
Be yourself and you will reap the rewards.
My dc are nc with df (Disney Father)after several years of having £££££ thrown at the they have decided having a loving dm with boundaries is in fact what they need. Make a meal planner, make every night count over Christmas, films, board games, and reaffirm your relationship with them. Honestly it can be that simple.

DC is nearly a teen so not sure a bit of glitter and baking will fix it

Talk to him. Ask him how he’s like Christmas Day to pan out. What is his absolute all time favourite foods etc.

I've asked him, we wants to be in the pool with his friends (ex's best friends kids), have a BBQ a big fun filled rowdy Christmas. It will be me alone this year, I've fallen out with my nearest and dearest. Every year he's been with me, this is the first year he's said he wants to go to his dads .... (we live overseas)

So how do you feel about that op?

Is it possible, and if so, what would your Christmas look like without having anyone else to worry about except yourself?

I cannot do it alone, nor could I volunteer with a shelter etc .... It's clear he wants to go there, but not sure how I'd cope. I fear I'm loosing control of him .... I've always been able to manipulate the situation. But know he's getting too old for me to do decide what he does.

The words "control" and "manipulate" are worrying . One of my favourite Christmas memories is of being totally alone one time. Teenage kids decided to go to their DF (with my blessing). I bought lovely, treaty food and drinks, planned my TV viewing, read, listened to music had luxury baths and and stayed in pjs for two days. Bliss!

I've always been able to manipulate the situation. But know he's getting too old for me to do decide what he does.

Blimey.

You've been bringing him up to be a fully formed person who has his own views and wishes, this is a good thing! I'm sorry you're struggling with the prospect of being on your own this year, but it's not your child's job to make you happy or prop you up, he's allowed a relationship with his father and you really have to respect that rather than try and blackmail him into being by your side instead of where he wants to be.

He's said where he wants to be so it's not a competition. He's made his choice, you get to make yours and to decide how you'd like to spend the day knowing your son won't be with you.

I don't mean control .... I'm just scared it will be like alice through the looking glass and he'll leave forever....

He's going to stay for Christmas, it doesn't mean he's never coming back again!

Send him on his way with his presents and your blessing and make sure he knows you'll have a nice Christmas and look forward to catching up afterwards. Don't tell him how sad and worried you are, it's not his fault and he deserves a happy Christmas.

Or, arrange to have a special meal and exchange your gifts with him on one of the other days, make it really special with favourite foods and quality time together. It doesn't have to cost a lot to be cosy and celebratory. Glitter not necessary but I felt very festive in a crummy rental flat a few years back with a £10 plastic tree, some cheap candles and a bottle of own brand mulled wine! Christmas films on TV, carols on the radio, exchanging cards with my new neighbours (it really was divorce alley there, 3 of us in a row).

He will leave 'forever' at some point. He will move out on his own, get a partner, maybe DC and not be able to spend Christmas with you. Start preparing for it now.

Send him on his way with his presents and your blessing and make sure he knows you'll have a nice Christmas and look forward to catching up afterwards. Don't tell him how sad and worried you are, it's not his fault and he deserves a happy Christmas.

Exactly this.
You won't lose him forever if you let him go with your blessing, but you may do, in the future, if you try and 'control him'/'manipulate the situation' too much.

One of the best Christmases I had was on my own too - it's so nice not to have to think of anyone else and do exactly what you want to do and when.

The best way to keep your dc close is to let them go. Hold on too tight and it's just the same as trying to hold sand tight in your fist.