How do you cope with splitting Christmas with in laws?

[MotherOfBeagles]

Apologies for the long post but don't want to drip feed! Looking for some advice on wwyd and examples of how you handle Christmas and families!

So me and dh have been together five years. My MIL was only local for one of those and we did spend Christmas Day with her then and then went home to my parents where we were living at the time for the night. Since then she has lived 7/8 hours away and we haven't been to her for Christmas. Partly because of distance and partly because if we go to her we either can't take our dogs or would have to leave them in an outside run. Neither of which I've been prepared to do - judge me if you will but they are part of my family too.

Anyway what this has meant is that most years we have stayed in our own house in the morning then gone to my parents house for the day/night as they live within walking distance and usually have a house full of people, kids and dogs. Had Christmas dinner and drinks and games there. MIL has been invited to this every year, including somewhere to stay but has never even considered coming.

Now for me Christmas has always been loud with people and noise and games. So I hate the idea of just spending a Christmas Day alone with my dh, feels really lonely and not what Christmas is about for me. But unfortunately we live in a TEEEENY house and physically can't fit anyone else over for Christmas dinner etc. So going to my parents is the best option and dh is always happy to do so and enjoys it.

Problem we now have is we are due our first child within the next month and that is complicating things. My dh obviously misses his mum at Christmas and wants her to have Christmasses with her only gc. But she is not prepared to visit us at all - we have to go to her. Whether this year or next she wants us to split it equally between families. Which I understand but I have a few issues with.

1. We don't really get along and she is not nice to me when I am around her
2. We still can't take the dogs
3. It's all on her terms, there is no give and take
4. For me growing up Christmas was about staying at home and huddling up all together (grandparents always came to us) so kids could stay and play with their toys and enjoy the magic if we go to her the family is split and it would be a nightmare trying to cart all our stuff plus Christmas presents that distance (especially in the santa years)

I really don't know what I'm asking I suppose. I know I abu to refuse to ever go to her for Christmas but just don't know how to reconcile the issues I have in my head. Anyone have any advice/tips/experience/tough love words to get my head straight?

Also thanks if you've made it this far!

We have a loose rota, but it doesn't include DM anymore after she decided to lie about feeling sad and alone because we were going to the ILs, so we asked to change it. DM then surprised me with my elder brother who I am nc with because he is a cunt. What a merry fucking Christmas that was

A 7 hour journey with a little baby and leaving a dog alone is just not practical. Your DMil needs to come to you or your parents and stop being a controlling idiot. Or have Christmas just your family.

Both GPs live 2hrs+ away (all in their 70's and healthy) and fortunately for us only 20 mins from each other. We have never had a Xmas in our own home since it doesn't make sense for them to travel to us. Xmas Eve, we go to my parents and probably see uncles, aunts and cousins on my side. On Xmas Day, we go over to ILs where we see DH's siblings and their DC before going home on Boxing Day to recover.

Hosting is a nightmare - we could host just my parents and the ILS and put them up for a few nights but we wouldn't have the room for any siblings, their partners & DC - let alone the politics of combining the families (didn't go down well) or who gets xmas day. MIL suggested that I host but she assumes that I would host her entire family for the week (2/3 nights max in my mind!) and completely forgets that I have parents/family who lives relatively close to her!

When my DC were little we decided we would spend Christmas at home. My DM would come and stay with us , we would go and fetch her as she lived 100 miles away and didn't drive. It was sometimes a squash when we had a little house but we all got on. Mil and FiL sometimes stayed at home and we would go over on Boxing Day (they lived about an hour away) and sometimes stayed with us when we had a bigger house. However after bil and sil had DC they never stayed at Christmas again but would descend on bil for two weeks. Sil used to love it not
Now we are the grandparents, and we do the visiting, and fit in with our adult children. Christmas Eve and morning with one, then over to the other. We all get together at some point as well.

The point of all this is you must do what is right for your little family, and this year your baby will be too small to travel. 7 or 8 hours with a toddler won't be fun either.
Mil can visit, even in a two bed flat there are air beds /bed settees been there done that so it can be done. I am sure your DM would fit it one more for lunch if you go there or have Christmas lunch at home then go over.
You might find that you enjoy hosting Christmas, and over the years everyone will end up coming to you. Then your dil will be on here saying "what am I going to do?"

I refuse to travel with young dc at Christmas. We have Christmas at home, both families are invited but ILS have never come to us and chose to spend every Christmas with BIL and SIL.

I don't mind hosting, my family are all pretty laid back so it's not to stressful.

I certainly wouldn't be travelling that far with a newborn.

It's such a bloody minefield isn't it OP? Since having dd all the joy has been taken out of it for me because of trying to not upset anyone.

DPs relatives are both widowed and with no surviving parents or siblings whereas my parents are together and all my grandparents/aunts and uncles alive so it feels unfair to not do Christmas with the ILs again this year, but it was miserable and a total disaster. They like to go out for Christmas lunch and drink too much, I just don't really enjoy eating out with a baby, it's me who ends up eating cold food or pacing around a restaurant with a cranky baby not them so they don't really get it. My parents would never make a fuss but I know they would like to have Christmas Day with their GD. We could host at ours but there's no room for the ILs to stay and they will want to drink and I just don't want to cook to be honest, I'm crap at roasts and I'd rather just focus on dd having a nice day.

My parents said we should just say no visitors at all and just have it as us three, they did this when I was a baby because of both sets of grandparents being split up and living at opposite corners of the country. I'd just feel too guilty about the people on DPs side being all alone. I'm not much help sorry OP, but god was it good to get that off my chest! Hopefully someone will come along with the perfect solution soon

Nerr I call (something not so rude) - the M&S Christmas orders only went live last week (some of us here on the Christmas Board have been weeping and moaning about how late it was this year!!!).

Both of our families live about 20 minutes apart, but 2.5 hours away from us. We have done the "have Christmas Lunch with one and Christmas Dinner with the other" (at least 7 times now!) but have resorted to renting a cottage (tricky as you have to book by Easter there are so few available there!) most of those and being able to retreat to "our" space.

We've also stayed at home (our home) a good few years. Before DD arrived (I think we managed that once), the year DD arrived (Boxing Day - although it was the only year we ate in my DGPs house about 20 minutes away from our house), when DD was 1 and maybe 3/4 other years in between. I have put my foot down about staying put this year as we desperately need it (we've travelled the past 3 years, the last 2 were unavoidable after DFIL died, but DH really needs the break this year, and so do we all).

We always spend a few days down there after Christmas if we haven't gone for Christmas Day, so its' not like they won't see us at all. And we have always said that anyone is welcome to come up to us (some years, we've had visitors on 26th for DD's birthday, but none have ever come for Christmas). I suspect though that as other things are changing in both families, we may see some siblings at some point staying with us.....but probably not this year (there will be fireworks when some realise that another sibling is not going "home" this year as well - probably the first time ever! I am not saying whether that is my sibling or DH's, but it will be interesting!).

Biddy I wouldn’t put it past her for fibbing about the order but I’m not calling her out on it coward

Nerr I was scrolling down to type the same as Biddy. She's a pants on fire! (not Biddy!)

Prior to having kids, I spent every Christmas with my parents and DH spent Christmas with his mum who lived a 4 hour drive away. She moved 20 mins away when DS was one.

This will be DS's third Christmas. He was 9 months for his first one, which we spent at my DPs, and DMIL travelled up to stay and came with us. DMIL hosted Christmas last year, although it was marred a bit by us having norovirus, so DH didn't make it out of bed all day, and DS was so exhausted he refused to eat anything and sat with his dish on his head instead.

This year we are going back to my DPs, with DMIL and DSIL in tow again. However, next year DS will be nearly 4, and will get it much more, and we have decided we will be spending the day at home so he can play with his toys and I will persuade DMIL to cook Christmas lunch at ours instead.

We're in the very fortunate position that we all get along. DPs host the rest of my family in the evening for a buffet, so they have Christmas dinner at home so they can prepare that and have a good drink, but they know they are always welcome.

Having your first child is a good time to start your own traditions. Your MIL is being very inflexible, and whilst I understand your DH wanting to spend Christmas with his DM, she's making it unnecessarily difficult for you all. Speak to your DH and decide what you want to do. Then MIL can join or not, as she wishes.

And for my tuppence worth - no way on this green Earth would I be driving 7-8 hours at Christmas with a newborn!!

Cant your parents invite your MIL to stay wth them? We have done that in the past.

I can't be doing with people like this who try to guilt you into doing what they want. Don't give in to it. You'll have your own new little family and you need to do what's best for that family. Stay at home and enjoy the Christmas you want, not the one you're being manipulated into having. If MIL can't be arsed to accept the invite that's been extended to her, that's her loss. Don't let it become yours.

Thanks everyone it’s really helpful to see what other people do! Definitely given me some ideas and things to think about.

As for my MIL she’s not infirm or elderly just stubborn and well, rude tbh. My dh is fully aware of what she’s like and has said that she needs to make an effort. But she just doesn’t bat an eyelid. It’s her way or we’re being unreasonable. But even with her behaving like that she’s still his Mum so of course dh wants to see her at Xmas.

She’s always been more than welcome and repeatedly invited to stay with us, very cramped but we could just about manage it with air beds and sleeping in the living room. Or with my parents who have a bigger house with spare rooms. But she’s only been to our house once when we bought it for a ten minute inspection and then left. She’s only met my family at the wedding as she’s refused to at any other time. Really weird for me as my family is very much all get stuck in and spend time together but I know everyone is different.

Think it’s going to be a case of definitely not this year but might book a cottage near for next year. My mums sister has just moved up to my MILs end of the country, and my parents will have their first Christmas alone as all of us have now flown the nest lol. at least then can see my aunt and my parents will probably go to my aunts or come with us. So could make a big thing of anyone welcome and MIL can suck it and deal with us all.