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Original poster

Is this a fair way to divide Christmas?

24 replies

RuggerHug · 15/09/2017 15:09

Trying to figure out the easiest and fairest way to do Christmas this year. First year with DS and married, normally DH just go to our own families.
My family is DPs and DSis, Christmas is all day, dinner, Christmas films/TV, nibbles and extra desserts in the evening , walk with DDog to look at Christmas lights. Approx 20mins/half hour drive from ours but I can't drive.

DHs family is different. His DPs live walking distance from our place, he goes for breakfast, comes home, goes back at 3 for dinner, home after that. His family is DPs, DBro, Aunt, cousins, their partners and this year one cousin's baby. Ok think that's enough background for what we both expect at Christmas Grin

I asked what he thought we should do and got a 'it's September'Hmm. I thought Santa at home, his DPs for breakfast, then on to my DPs or them to ours for lunch, his for dessert or call over in the evening. Everyone gets a visit/to see DS.

DH thinks we can't have my family without inviting his. We could fit mine (since it's 3 extra people) but if we ask his we have to bring all of them since they all have to do Christmas together. He has said he refuses to miss the dinner in his DPs and won't eat in mine. My thinking was since he isn't really into Christmas and there's more people at his ,1 less person won't be a huge deal for the dinner (esp since we can see them for the breakfast and evening if they want). His suggestion is Santa here, he drops me and DS to my DPs and we do separate for the day. This suits me fine however I can tell his brain will kick in closer to the time and he'll realise that means he will only see DS for the morning. My family going to his isn't an option.

Does anyone else do this kind of split for the day or does it sound like a disaster in the making?

OP posts:
LauraAndBaby · 15/09/2017 15:14

Hello, me and my ex spend the morning with our ds at my exs parents house, opening presents then seeing his family, we then drive an hour to my family's and have dinner and do more presents etc, I always sleep over and spend a few days with my family and Ex has the choice of stopping or going home. Xx

Imabanana · 15/09/2017 15:17

Your a family now so you need to start new traditions for your son. Can you alternate each year? Your parents Christmas dinner this year but also seeing his for breakfast or evening and promise his parents for dinner next year?

Imabanana · 15/09/2017 15:18

You're not your !

Original poster
RuggerHug · 15/09/2017 15:30

I suggested alternating when he said he wouldn't miss dinner with his and that's when separate was suggested. I'm veggie and one time in my family we had a full veggie Christmas dinner, I think he's afraid of it happening when he's thereHmm.
I said about how things will change now we're not the DCs(Grin) anymore but I don't think he'll budge despite constantly saying MILs cooking is shite

OP posts:
bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 15/09/2017 15:31

We take turns so one year Christmas day with my family, next year with dhs. Santa at home then out to visit for lunch. Family we aren't seeing welcome before/after. Then we see other side for Boxing day meal. Would be very strange if he didn't want to be with you and ds for your first Christmas!!

bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 15/09/2017 15:31

We take turns so one year Christmas day with my family, next year with dhs. Santa at home then out to visit for lunch. Family we aren't seeing welcome before/after. Then we see other side for Boxing day meal. Would be very strange if he didn't want to be with you and ds for your first Christmas!!

Scribblegirl · 15/09/2017 15:34

We take turns (albeit no DC yet). When DC are around I think we'll continue to alternate:

Yr 1: Morning at home, travel to DParents, stay over Xmas night, on to MiL for Boxing Day
Yr 2: Morning at home home, travel to MiL, stay over Xmas night, on to DParents for Boxing Day.

Your DH needs to learn how to compromise..

MyBrilliantDisguise · 15/09/2017 15:43

You're a family now - it wouldn't seem right to me that you spend the day separately, as though you are still the children.

What about... breakfast and Santa at yours, then you both go to his mum's for lunch, then on to your parents for the rest of the day? (I don't like the sound of his mum's cooking, though.)

I think if your mum cooks for him and isn't vegetarian herself, then he should be able to eat meat.

You need new routines - it's time he accepted he's an adult!

Imabanana · 15/09/2017 16:09

When he says he wouldn't miss dinner at his parents is it about the food ( meat) or the family? You're all close enough to spend a lot of time together anyway including Christmas Eve , Day, Boxing Day, and New Year so may be he could have his ideal family day/ food one of these days as well as turn taking on Christmas Day. I'd talk about how much family clearly means to both of you, he enjoys being with his brother , parents and cousins, and how different it will be for his son unless he compromises. It is sad not to spend the day together for your extended families too, many separated couples manage spend Christmas together.

Annwithnoe · 15/09/2017 17:11

I'm exhausted reading your OP Smile because for me a key part of Christmas is sitting down after dinner and doing nothing more strenuous than occasionally reaching for another quality street.

Having to follow a timetable, or rush off from the table to have dessert somewhere else sounds like a nightmare.

And honestly, I don't think I'd like the arrangement if I were the older generation in this scenario. I'd feel under pressure to fit in with your timetable, you'd be rushing off just when I wanted to relax and chat....

Personally my bottom line is that we are a family and we spend Christmas together.

Would you consider hosting? I know it's daunting the first time but there's a lot to recommend it. DH who loves his mums Christmas dinner, really enjoys the advantages of being the man of the house when we host.

Starlighter · 15/09/2017 17:18

He's sounds like a child!

I get the separating thing before kids but not after kids! You need to spend the day all together! His child needs to come first now. The day sounds horribly rushed.

Can't you alternate each year? See your DPs on xmas day, his family on Boxing Day then switch around each year? Or have xmas day to yourselves and catch up with everyone on Boxing Day?

BikeRunSki · 15/09/2017 17:22

Spend the morning at home together. Invite everyone round for lunch, afternoon and evening. everyone prepares a dish.

Butterymuffin · 15/09/2017 17:27

Tell him you're married and a family of your own now and the three of you can have your own Christmas Day meal together. If he wants to go to his mum's he can go alone and tell everyone there he left you at home. He won't want to do that.

user1499786242 · 15/09/2017 17:30

Well we almost do a vicar of dibley type thing
Christmas morning at home, partner cooks a nice breakfast
Then big Christmas lunch at his parents house
Then a few hours later go and have another Christmas meal at my parents house!
We can barely move by 5pm
Both our families are so different, both amazing meals with their own little traditions that me and my partner want our children to experience!
So we go to both
Luckily they live a few mins walk from each other so works out well!
I'm sure one day we will start having our own Christmas Day when we have more children etc but for now I'm not ready to give up my mums roast potatoes 😍

LilQueenie · 15/09/2017 17:31

If I have read correctly then you and your DH don't actually spend the day together at all or even visit each others families. I would stat fresh and spend the whole day at home. Visitors later in the day but don't see the point in taking a child on a family tour. They will be cranky and tired quicker on the day.

Original poster
RuggerHug · 15/09/2017 17:57

Thanks for all the replies and suggestions. Since someone asked I did offer hosting mine here and then going to his in the evening. The only reason it would just be mine as even if we removed all the furniture downstairs it would be standing room only if we had everyone. I completely get the wanting to spend time with family and personally a big part of Christmas for me is the lounging with tubs of sweets afterwards in front of the telly. He doesn't really get this (that's why he comes home in between the breakfast and lunch at his family). I do want to try and keep everyone happy (not always possible I know). My family would be heartbroken if they didn't see DS and I know FIL will be dreadfully upset if he didn't see himSad.

OP posts:
Mama234 · 15/09/2017 18:02

You sound like a couple that's not together, Its weird that he doesn't seem to value spending the time with his son on Christmas day.

Original poster
RuggerHug · 15/09/2017 18:07

Tbh I just don't think it's occurred to him that that's how it will work out and he'd only see DS in the morning. He suggested just splitting that way.

OP posts:
CamperVamp · 15/09/2017 18:13

Santa at home, go over to your DPs for late morning / before lunch drinks / snacks, then go to his DPs for dinner.

What's the matter with that?

Does he even see you all as a family? Splitting up on Christmas day is not really being a Dad on Christmas Day.

MummyFoxy · 15/09/2017 18:25

I think your DH needs to realise that Christmas is about your child now, not him. Personally I would be very upset if my DH went off to have dinner with his own family rather than staying with me and the children. Our families live opposite ends of the country so we've always alternated Xmas day, even before we were married or had children. Doing as you suggest with lots of travelling round during the day for breakfast, dinner, dessert etc - I would find this exhausting and stressful and think it would take the fun out of Xmas! As a PP suggested, make some new Xmas traditions now you have your DS - after all, I doubt he'll want to do all that travelling around on Xmas day when he's older!

RTKangaMummy · 15/09/2017 19:13

Also think you should think about your DS with his new toys

Are the toys doing a tour around the neighbourhood with you?

Or is he going to be expected to leave his new toys at home?

Fine when he is a baby but when he has Lego models or train sets or dolls houses etc

Jessica78 · 15/09/2017 19:26

This sounds crazy OP! Start alternating or it will drive you up the wall figuring this out year after year. I would do one at home, next year with my oarents, year after with his. Though I have to admit i think that having kids is a brilliant reason to say 'We're staying put!!!'

WatchingFromTheWings · 15/09/2017 19:45

We did one year with one family, one year with the next. After that we stayed at home and started our own traditions. If anyone wanted to see us/kids on Christmas Day, they came to us.

When your DC gets a bit older they'll not want to be dragged around house to house. They'll want to stay home with their new toys!

bimbobaggins · 15/09/2017 21:17

This is one of the things I was glad I didn't have to worry about anymore when I separated from my exp.
it was a nightmare trying to keep both families happy. My mum was always difficult and mil upset because didn't get own way.
I would say have own dinner in own house then maybe visit families afterwards for a mince pie. Start your own family traditions as you mean to go on

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