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Original poster

An AIBU Christmas thread

15 replies

CheeseQuavers · 21/08/2017 10:19

Need some perspective on this. DH and I am already having the same argument we do every year about this.

Relationship background is DH has 2 middle aged sisters. Both have boyfriends, but no DC. There is next to no relationship with them even though they live very close, except at Christmas when it is all smiley-smiley.

Here is my issue. When it is their birthdays and Christmas we are expected to buy them expensive presents. This is because they buy my DC and think that because they spend on them, we should reciprocate. PIL think we should buy because they are single and don't get lots of presents even though they seem to get lots of expensive presents off their DPs and PIL. I don't necessarily have a problem with this if I could nip down to Boots and get a toiletry box set but it doesn't work like this. They actually tell us what to buy them! In the past I have had to drive 30 mins to pick up vouchers to a certain nail salon, go to a shop to pick out a certain blouse in a certain size, go to John Lewis to pick up designer makeup and so on. OK so its not a major drama to do that when I am out and about but the main issue for me is that I am buying them things that I cannot justify buying myself as I have small DC to spend on. Whenever I have not bought what they asked for it has gone down badly. I knew SILs 11 years before I had DC and I never once received a gift from them, but they received from DH and I. Their presents have in the past cost me up to £80 each. Over the past few years I have reduced it to £40 e.g. when they have asked me for a few things I have just bought 1 or 2 other them, not all. Whenever I have done this my DCs presents have been smaller the next year.

I tell my DH that I don't want to buy them expensive gifts. He says he doesn't mind (read doesn't want confrontation) as he is just repaying what they have spent. Family is what Christmas is about apparently but I find it really hard to swallow as they have never once asked to come over to see my DC, or invited them over and I begrudge buying them nice things!

It's like that episode of Sex in the City when Carrie wants a massive present for all the gifts she has given her friends DC. I too have nieces and nephews who I have always bought for and I have never once expected anything back.

What is fair here? I need some opinions as every year this puts a damper on my Christmas as I sit and watch them open these luxuries.

OP posts:
1stTimeMama · 21/08/2017 10:32

YANBU! We no longer talk to my SIL, but before now we didn't buy for each other. I don't buy for my sister, as she suggested we just buy for the children, but my brother and his wife, who have no children, get a maximum of £10 spent on them. They buy all our tat gifts from charity shops. It's never any thing we would like, ask for, or buy ourselves, they're just tight, so there's no way I'm spending lots on them. I know it's not give to receive and all that, but I have 4 young children who I need to concentrate on, it's token gifts for them and that's it, for all the effort they put in to seeing their niece and nephews (hint:none!)

If I were you, I wouldn't be traipsing around looking for specific gifts I've been TOLD to buy, for someone I never see. If your husband wants to, then he's free to, as long as its financially viable of course.
I'm considering cutting a lot more people from my list this year, as since we moved away nearly 2 years ago, not a single one of them has bothered to come and visit us, some have never even met my yougest, and I feel like it's just buying gifts for the hell of it. I might as well buy a random person up the road a gift for the relevance it will have!

AuntieStella · 21/08/2017 10:45

I think that as your DH wants to continue the gift giving, he should take full responsibility for it (including selecting, sourcing and sending the gifts). Sort out a budget with him spending, and give him hell if he departs from it.

And then if there are any gripes from his family, you simply refer them to him.

You will feel less bad about seeing them open stuff if the cost did not include your effort/thought.

AuntieStella · 21/08/2017 10:45

I think that as your DH wants to continue the gift giving, he should take full responsibility for it (including selecting, sourcing and sending the gifts). Sort out a budget with him spending, and give him hell if he departs from it.

And then if there are any gripes from his family, you simply refer them to him.

You will feel less bad about seeing them open stuff if the cost did not include your effort/thought.

girlywhirly · 21/08/2017 16:09

Yanbu to not want to spend a lot on these entitled adults. I agree with PP's that DH should take on the responsibility of choosing and wrapping their gifts within the budget you have, rather than the one they dictate you should spend.

Or you could suggest that if DH feels he has to buy gifts for them to the value of what they give your DC, maybe it would be better for all of you to stop giving to each other? And as there is next to no relationship with them, and only see them when they expect a present basically, why can't DH drop gifts off and you don't need to be involved? You don't have to watch them open anything, you will be far too busy!

PovertyJetset · 21/08/2017 16:13

You give not to recieve. They are being very rude and if they don't want to give their nieces and nephews a gift without getting something in return I feel very sad for them.

Dina1234 · 21/08/2017 16:19

Why are you even in contact with them? They clearly have no interest in you/your family. They also don't know how to behave themselves apparently.

Star2015 · 22/08/2017 07:51

No, no, no!!!

If you can't afford to buy the mind of things they ask for, for yourself, you shouldn't buy them for them.

Christmas gifting isn't about giving to receive, they (should be) buying your children something because they are Children and the magic of Christmas etc... not because they get presents back themselves.

I'd tell them you're putting a stop to buying adult presents and well if they decide not to buy for your children it tells you the real reason they were buying for them in the first place.

5 minutes of awkwardness will make such a difference to you (and your Christmas budget, not to mention time!).

Good luck!

Whatsername17 · 22/08/2017 08:22

Just no. Tell them you are cutting back this year and suggest they don't buy as much for the dc. Or suggest no presents at all. One of my sils is yet to have kids and spends a small fortune on my dc. We can't reciprocate in kind for her and her fiance and she doesn't care at all. Your sils behaviour is very entitled. There shouldn't be an expectation when it comes to gift giving.

schoolgaterebel · 22/08/2017 08:33

I would suggest no gifts this year, to save yourself the hassle. Use the money you would've spent on greedy SIL's on your own DC instead.

What sort if gifts do they usually buy you and DH for Christmas?

tootsieglitterballs · 22/08/2017 08:48

This year is the first year we have stopped buying for siblings - full stop - no birthdays or Christmas (apart from younger sister who is 10 years younger, where the rest are our age or older)

We have been gradually stopping over the last couple of years as family have moved countries and we don't see them very much.

The only other exception will be BIL 30th next year , he will get a gift then as it's a big birthday.

We send a card and at xmas will give a token 'family' item such as a 'nice' xmas decoration or similar.

These are grown adults for Petes sake , some with children of their own (we do buy for the children)

It's the same with friends - a friend without children actually said 'now there are children in the group, can we just buy for them, it's more about them than us' - and this was when there was only 1 child between 4 of us!

Best thing we ever did.

Original poster
CheeseQuavers · 22/08/2017 10:15

I know I am going to have to deal with this myself as DH won't. Even if I leave him to deal with it, I won't get the result I want.

I am going to tell them that we are hitting the reset button as Christmas is not working out for us in it's current form. That is, we are not having days out, DH and I are not buying each other presents, not sending any cards, DCs presents are being cut down and its all too much etc. etc. I will ask them to buy small presents for DC only. Then I will buy them small token gifts e.g. wine and chocs. If they don't take the hint and ask me for something then I will have to be more direct and tell them that in all of our extended family of GPs, siblings, nephews and nieces, they are the ones who are getting the best presents and this isn't fair on everyone else.

OP posts:
Annwithnoe · 22/08/2017 10:46

I think it's fair enough to buy a gift for a childless adult in return for a gift to my dc. TBH it's my preferred situation. But most of the people who give our dc presents also give us presents too. So we reciprocate with home made crafts and baking from the dc.
However, the only thing that you are actually entitled to expect from the recipient of a gift is a thank you.
One option to reset Christmas would be to let people know that you will not be buying gifts for them, and respond to anything sent to your children with a thank you note. Or step out of the interaction and let the kids reciprocate in a manner that is appropriate to their age and economic status .
I completely understand how gift giving becomes transactional, but in your case the value of your time is not being taken into account, or your relative disposable income.

Annwithnoe · 22/08/2017 10:55

Or you could just let everyone know that you won't be spending more than £xx per gift this year. Whether they spend more is then their choice. This way you are setting the parameters rather than letting them set the budget iyswim

Annwithnoe · 22/08/2017 11:09

I'm really struggling to collect my thoughts this morning and express myself is one coherent postSmile
I think if you try and tell people how much they can spend on your dc, you are overstepping a boundary. It's entirely up to them to decide this.
But you are entirely within your rights to say that you will only spend £xx on them, and let them take it from there,
Hope I'm making sense Smile

AuntieStella · 22/08/2017 15:18

"Even if I leave him to deal with it, I won't get the result I want."

Doesn't sound good

Why can't you rely on him to do his fair share towards a mutually agreed aim?

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