Help me be assertive this Christmas

[ShaggyDogz]

Since DC were born DH's family have wanted to spend every Christmas with us. This includes his middle age siblings who have no DC of their own. They want to see the DC open presents and spend time with them. Only it's not just Christmas Day, they want to spend the festive season with us despite only living a short car drive away and stay for days on end! I have to kick my DC out of their rooms onto air beds.

This has caused me so much work and expense over Christmas and I have had a pretty miserable time. There are times when I went upstairs and cried because I was so knackered and felt like I'd been pushed out of my own DC's Christmas. They got to do the nice bits whilst I cooked and cleaned up after everyone.

The way I see it is that since DH's siblings are in their 40's, they should take turns to host their parents and we should do it when it is our "turn". I am not totally unreasonable. PIL host lots of dinner parties for their friends so are also capable at doing it at their house. DH thinks I am BU as it is Christmas and time for family and we are the only ones with DC. Funny thing is, he is barely on talking terms with his siblings and they only come out of the woodwork at Christmas.

I have told DH that my options are:

1. One of his siblings hosts Christmas and we go over for lunch.
2. We book a restaurant and all meet up. Everyone pays for themselves.
3. We cook Christmas lunch and they come over for lunch.

No staying over and no meeting up on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day as I want to relax and spend time with our little family and go visit my siblings and friends.

What do you think of my 3 options and how am I going to break it to them when they ask me, usually around now, what we are doing for Christmas? Any deviation from us hosting usually ends up in MIL being very, very upset.

That is also a great idea.

You don't have to make an excuse. Just tell them you, your DH and DC are having a quiet Christmas, by yourselves.

You've been far too nice! Never kick your children out of their own beds - guests can have air beds and if they can't stick it they will go home quicker!!

But absolutely do what you want to do this year, DH needs to step up and support you, his wife - not defend his family.

Pick which option YOU want and send everyone an email stating what you are doing and they are not invited as you've done x years on the trot and now insist on x years of not hosting.

Tell DH he is backing you up or it will be divorce...

This is your H's family. Get him to tell them you won't be hosting this year. Make sure he makes it clear this is a joint decision...

Oh God OP. I love hosting Christmas, properly love it, but my family all barrel in on Christmas Eve and fuck off again on Boxing Day so we can stay in our PJs for at least 2 days on our own afterwards. I can't believe they expect that of you! I'd be ready to kill them by the end of it.

I'm a wuss, so I'd probably invent a trip away or friends coming to stay on 27th. But you might have to be a bit more ballsy as it's happening every year! Good luck!

Your dh needs to tell them straight that you won't be hosting this year. To get him on board tell him that if everyone descends on you again, it will be him doing all the organising/planning/shopping/cooking/cleaning because you intend to put your feet up and not lift a finger. I suspect he will come round to your way of thinking.

You seriously need to get your DH to see it from your point of view. Does he know that you take yourself off and cry through the stress of it all? Does he know how you feel like cook and bottle washer in your own home? And that you feel like you are missing out? I cannot believe if he knows how much of a struggle it is for you he could think you are being unreasonable.

Tell him you want one year off. The kids deserve on year with Christmas in their own beds. You deserve a Christmas not spent in the kitchen. Arrange a big family get together later in the week after boxing day, perhaps meet at PIL and tell them to save the presents until that day. They still get to see the kids faces. Start with 'this year' and take it from there, I think your DH will be converted.

I also agree with letting them know early. It takes the stress from you knowing they have plenty of time to rearrange. Also word your announcement so there is no room for manoeuvre. My friend, complained about all the cooking to her lazy, freeloading BIL. They promised to make a contribution which was two reduced price trifles, two packets of opened crisps and a bottle of smart price Cola which they didn't touch as they drank friends wine and beer and put their feet up as usual.

How are you getting on @ShaggyDogz?

Don't give options. Choose which one you would actually prefer and tell people that's what is happening.

Assertiveness is about expressing your rights. It's your Christmas too and you have the right to relax and enjoy it. People need to know how much hard work it is for you. (Also...your DH sounds useless!)

I normally do Christmas but not last year or ever again small family Christmas is the way to go x

Ps don't tell DH just send the email

The benefit of hosting Christmas dinner is having all the leftovers so you don't have to cook properly for a couple of days afterwards.

If I've read it right, OP's Christmas present from her DH is to feed and run around after a bunch of people she hardly knows and doesn't particularly like.

I think restricting to Christmas dinner only (say 11-5) would hugely reduce costs - easily by half. Hosting for a few days during which people are deliberately stuffing themselves is a lot of breakfasts, cold meat/sausage rolls in the fridge, naice cheese, BOOZE, biscuits, mince pies etc.

I don't think you should offer three options. I think you should offer DH two, and then he presents his preferred option to his family as a fait accompli.

I vote for option 4.

Say that Christmas will be the same as usual but DH will be cooking and cleaning up and that everyone will need to chip in for food and drink, it's just got too expensive. Perhaps everyone could bring a dish for the first meal.

I don't actually mind hosting personally but I definitely mind doing everything and paying for everyone else's Christmas at the expense of my own. I'd also let DH know that his family are taking him for a ride.

You have every right to have a Christmas where you aren't running yourself ragged looking after everyone else - and your dh has no bloody right whatsoever to guilt you about that!!

You need to be very clear with him:

"DH - for the past X years all your family have come here, and I have had a bloody miserable Christmas, working my fingers to the bone, whilst everyone else has enjoyed Christmas with the children. I am NOT prepared to do that this year, and it is selfish of everyone to expect me to do so. I am NOT going to have another exhausting, expensive Christmas and miss out on the fun of MY children this Christmas. So it is someone else's turn."

Firmly in Ann camp. Do not offer options. Those year you are navigating Xmas by your self or he can go to his family and siblings . Goodness op this is awful and not fair on dc. No family this year. They are massively taking you for granted

Ask DH if he's prepared to shop cook clean make beds etc and give up HIS Christmas so you can sit and enjoy YOUR children opening gifts and playing? NO? Thought not

He is s selfish as they are!!!

Either he tells them to host each other and you'll have a quiet Christmas OR you'll be going away - close curtains turn off the phones

No excuses

Good for you for putting your foot down this year - I can't believe the entitlement of your DH's family expecting that you will provide a nice Christmas for them year after year with no thought for your enjoyment. Agree that option 3 should not be offered, and that maybe you should book a lovely cottage somewhere for you and the children (your DH can come if he is willing to pull his weight!).

The only option really, is that you do not host any of the ILS for Christmas. No one staying overnight at all. You present it as a ready made decision, you have hosted them all for x years and you don't want to do it any more. They can take turns amongst themselves to host or they can go out for Christmas lunch. You could invite them on 23rd for a buffet tea to exchange gifts and see the DC, but if they kick off about Christmas Day don't bother and leave it until after Christmas.

Tell your DH exactly what it has been like for you, tell him how much money you spend hosting his family, how is it fair that they all sit on their arses, don't help, stay for days, and (I assume) don't contribute food/drink/luxury Christmas items? How is it fair that you can barely afford presents for each other because of this? How is it fair that they monopolise your Christmas so that you don't get to see your family? Tell him you end up in tears from sheer exhaustion, and feel used.

It's interesting that the siblings barely speak, but they are certainly up for a blow out at their brother's expense. Perhaps DH needs to examine why he feels obliged to please them when really they aren't bothered with him.