I can't do Christmas this year, how am I going to avoid it?

[LazySusan11]

I loved Christmas, my mum made it so magical. Every year I have tried to recreate the magic she made but never quite achieved it in the same way, no one quite got the Christmas bug like mum and I we would enjoy all the festivities, the tv programmes, the twinkly lights, the tree you name it we loved it.

Last Christmas was my last with mum, I put the baubles on her tree whilst she lay in bed. I wrapped all the presents in her bedroom and we chatted on and off. I spent Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with her and my dad and brother. It wasn't the same but she could see her tree, her favourite baubles and all the pretty lights.

Mum passed at the beginning of Feb and I already know I cannot 'do' Christmas this year. Dh isn't a big fan anyway but I don't know how to avoid all the festivities all the reminders of what mum and I are missing together.

I know it's only July, I'm trying to prepare myself. How can I avoid this years Christmas as best I can?

Could you go abroad to a country where Christmas isn't celebrated or isn't celebrated widely?

Israel, Morocco, India? Somewhere completely removed from daily life and your normal time zone and, ideally, somewhere you've never been before.

Definitely go away.

Could you afford to take a holiday? To somewhere that doesn't celebrate Christmas much? I was thinking of China. You can't avoid it completely, but it's not as pervasive and it's such a completely different place to be.

Though you might prefer to be with your Dad and brother. Hiring a cottage and cutting yourself off for a few days might get you through the critical period, but won't help much with the run-up (which starts all too soon)

We had thought about going away but I don't want to run off and leave my dad and brother. They have both said they won't be celebrating either. No children in the family to have to 'do Christmas' for but they don't want to go away

It's the run up that I'm dreading, we loved it! I was that irritating person who'd look out for Christmas things in October I might look into helping out in a homeless shelter or something this year instead.

Might they consider coming too? North Africa can be quite good value.

OTOH, all being together might be worse.

The truth is, it'll be hard whatever you do. You just need to be kind to yourself and try to ease the worst bits

My mum died suddenly just before Christmas 14 years ago. I'd only been married for two weeks so it should've been a very magical time, but I absolutely could not face Christmas that year. I made the mistake of going to MIL's raucous get-together and was told I was a party pooper when I didn't feel up to joining in with stuff. If I could do it again, I'd have just gone away somewhere quiet and remote with DH.

Mum made Christmas so magical, and I have to say that having a small tree at home that year felt right - like a tribute to her almost. There weren't the usual stacks of decorations and presents but she would've been annoyed with me if I hadn't have marked Christmas in some way.

OP, I'm so sorry, it's utterly heartbreaking, I know. But it will get better and eventually you'll be able to 'do' Christmas the way your lovely mum used to again. I still have a moment or six every year, but her traditions are so much part of mine now and it feels like a lovely way to keep part of her with me at Christmas.

Lots of un-MNy hugs

I am very sorry for your loss.

Honestly in terms of the run up, once you disengage you can avoid "Christmas spirit". Definitely plan something for the day, food wise otherwise it'll be so obvious you're not eating Christmas dinner. We did Chinese.

Take the time to ignore Christmas. People will understand no tree in the window because a lot of people feel the loss at Christmas.

Be gentle to yourself - don't do anything because you "have to". My gran told that to my mum after my dad died and it's great advise. Struggling through a carol service cause you don't want to seem mean does no good for anyone.

A few years later we had a Christmas Day for lots of people who would otherwise be alone, there's plenty.

I was in your position last year, op. I'm so sorry for your loss

My mum died very suddenly and prematurely last year. I'd only just had a baby and I was utterly bereft. Every time I thought about Christmas, I couldn't breathe for sobbing over how I was going to get through it.

I had some great counselling with cruse - it really helped - and in the end, the months of agonising over how awful Christmas Day was going to be meant that the anticipation was in fact worse than the day itself.

I mean, it was still utterly shit, but it wasn't as dreadful as I'd built it up to be in my head.

Really sorry to hear about your loss. And I do understand how you feel. But another way of looking at it is, your mum really loved Christmas, so in a way celebrating Christmas is a way of honouring her memory. She would have wanted you to carry on her tradition. So if you put up that tree and lights, and do things the same way she did, you are remembering her and continuing the traditon they way she would probably have wanted you to.

I can remember the first Christmas without my mother...... She was a Christmas lover too. I felt like d270r0 as if my mother had passed the Christmas baton on to me.

I didn't do everything exactly the same, but we celebrated Christmas and drank a toast to her, remembering that she was the reason we were all together and it felt like she was there in spirit.

I'm sorry for your loss, mums are so special

I am very sorry for your loss

The way your Mum did Christmas left the magic with you. It will come again.

Perhaps you could go into your local church/cathedral on the run up to Christmas and light a candle for her? (Or at home) You won't be 'doing Christmas' but it might help you to cope with the season - you're going to notice Christmas from about October onwards and instead of having it overwhelm you it might be possible to process it by lighting a candle and thinking about her for a few moments.

-How about going away just before Christmas-maybe coming back Christmas Eve or 23rd). Go somewhere you've always wanted to go or something that is a bit different. Somewhere where Christmas isn't a big deal. Then spend Christmas Day with your dad and brother-it will be difficult but at least you'll have avoided the run up and hopefully in the months beforehand some of your focus will be on looking forward to your brilliant trip rather than on Christmas itself.

• Plan a very easy relaxing day at home as a family. Eating great food and doing something nice together...watching a film/ go for a walk. Maybe allow yourselves some time to feel sad- to remember your mum. Chat about her.

-If you have a Christmas Tree-why don't you get a decoration/ ornament made in honour of your mum. It could have a little photo of your mum on it or just be something you think she'd like.

-Alternatively you make need to fake it. Do Christmas-put a smile on...do everything. There are some benefits to this!

Thank you for all your suggestions, I really like the Christmas ornament idea.

I will do Christmas again but just not this year. My dh has dsd this Christmas and I would hate to spoil it for her so I will stay with my dad and so will my brother and we'll have an easy day and a walk perhaps. There are so many 'firsts' coming up around the same time, mum and dads would be 50th anniversary, my 40th, mums birthday and then the anniversary of her passing. Feels relentless but I hold out hope that time does indeed heal and next year won't be quite as awful.

Thank you for the lovely help it's greatly appreciated

OP - Time does soften grief and you remember all the happy memories and good times you shared. I found the first year the hardest too.....