How to approach- Christmas day invite (long)

[Methenyouplus4]

We usually have Christmas day at our house which includes:

1. Our family of 6.
2. 4 older relatives
3. Sibling, partner plus their 2 children.

We have a house that (at a very tight squuze) can sit everyone. I am happy to host older relatives as don't want them at home alone (plus they have spent years hosting in the past when I was younger).

Sibling and partner have declared their house not big enough to host (fair point) and so simply don't offer. BUT I don't really want to spend every Christmas hosting for so many.

Part of the issue is that while older relatives help out with dishes, watching our 4 DC while we cook (one even buys the turkey), sibling&partner rock up (often much later/ earlier than time we said) empty handed, ignore their unruly children, get drunk and normally argue, offer no sort of help, overstay their welcome...

What can I say? I don't want huge arguments but I don't want to be worrying about this on December 1st either so want to think of a way to address this before then.

Last year I tried to suggest they might want to have lder relatives at their place instead but refused to make plans ('too early to think about Christmas') until start of December when they declared they'd 'rather just all be together', which meant coming to us again.

Any ideas? Our 4 DC are young and I don't want to miss evert Christmas morning because DH and I are stuck in kitchen catering for so many, especially when they show zero gratitude and make the day significantly more stressful.

Tell your mum she will have to accept that you're not putting up with it anymore. She knows what they're like so she will understand.

Tell them you can't face it this year and you'll see them on Boxing Day. Expect sulks but tough it out.

I wouldn't be suggesting a buffet on any other day as you'll end up cooking on Christmas Day for you and the older relatives and then also being expected to provide the buffet for the alternate sibling get together.

I'd say that you're not doing Christmas Day for everyone this year, but you do want to see them over Christmas, so what do they want to do instead? Put the organising ball in their court so you don't inadvertently end up doubling your workload!

And PMSL at Pardon who's the first person this year to be amazed that some of us think about Christmas on and off all year and comes onto the dedicated Christmas board to show this amazement!

If you don't want to discuss Christmas, don't venture into this part of Mumsnet!

There is a Christmas board?? Who knew (especially in May!)

It popped up in active threads and I never twigged. - sorry.

MAY!!!!

Anyway as you were.

But seriously? May, and people are thinking about Christmas? Surely people have to change seating plans because people get divorced or die

I haven't read the whole thread so apologies if this has already been mentioned, but what if you all went out to a restaurant? You get Xmas morning with your children and partner, all meet at the restaurant at lunchtime, then you could say if people want to come round after "for a coffee and a mince pie / Quality Street" they can do. What a shame you won't have any leftovers to make them any dinner!

Fluffy have you taken over the role that used to be reserved by MaryZ (I think) - i.e. no talking about Christmas outside the Christmas board until at least 1st December??!!

For the information of those who are looking, the correct board to use is thattaway--> Christmas

Any and all Christmas nuts are welcome at any time (70s starts the annual countdown on Boxing Day!! )

(Sorry, I forgot Pardon had growled about a Christmas thread that was actually ON the Christmas Board I thought I was in Chat...)

I wonder if you could suggest you have your xmas meal earlier with just your children and the older relatives. Then your sibling and kids could bring snacks and drink and come later.

I have a similar dilemma except we usually go to my family Christmas day and host dh's family on boxing day.
That will all be changing this year, mainly due to various people behaving the same way as your brother and his dp
They know their behaviour is unreasonable, so probably won't be surprised when plans change. I'm thinking a pub lunch, with me driving so I can fuck off if the drunkenness/ arguing inevitably starts.

Just wanted to say thank you for advice and give a brief update.

I spoke to my mum and told her that number to cater for etc was just too many so told her Boxing Day plan (basically do buffet where everyone brings something and do alternate years between us/ my brother). The idea went down like a lead balloon.

Firstly, she said I couldn't because basically I'd be inviting relatives but excluding DB and his family, to which I pointed out that was FINE as he has his own family, all other relatives would face Christmas alone. She still wasn' t happy and so her solution- just don't mention it and hope they make other plans. Great. When I pointed out that would be more stressful as most likely the same as normal would happen, she just jumped down my throat and snapped "You asked for my opinion, and that's it!" in an 'end of discussion' sort of way.

I'm unsure how much the issue is brother and his family being 'left out' or just that she hates/change/ she doesn't want to go to their house.

I pointed out they could have other relatives at theirs if they wanted and she said "We'll they won't do that"- but I pointed out that is their choice and that she (and other relatives) would always be welcome at our house.

I'm now not sure whether to just go direct to my brother and tell him plans? That will feel a bit like ignoring my mum's wishes , but ignoring issue until last minute isn't a solution and want to be able to look forward to Christmas with a plan in place and not worrying about a repeat of previous years.

I think you have a choice then between keeping your Mum happy or keeping yourself happy. Which one matters to you more?

Personally I think you're doing your bit hosting all the older relatives, I don't think it has to be on anyone else's terms.

Of course there's no point ignoring it and hoping your brother just happens to make other plans. If you're going to make a change addressing it now would be a good time.

Oh bless you, your DM is not being practical or reasonable! I think you're best to now contact your brother and explain the plans for his year. Leave the ball in his court and explain why you are making a change this year.

Then I would tell your DM you've made him aware as it's not practical to wait until December when he will inevitably assume a repeat of previous years. I would then not mention the festive period again until nearer the time. It's only June so you've given everyone lots of time to get over their selfish approaches & decide how they spend the festive period.

looks like they're wanting to ignore YOUR wishes.
Your children deserve to have time with you around them for the major festivals too, not h ave you trapped in the kitchen catering for ingrates!

I'm sure it's lovely for your mum to have all her children and grandchildren in one place for christmas but that doesn't work for you any more and honestly she's lucky to have ever had that.

Tell your brother "yeah, listen, this year we're not able to host everyone for christmas. So you're going to have to make other plans, sorry. We'll have to have the oldies, bless them, can't leave FIL with no-where to go and frankly I think Mum's a bit set in her ways now, but really even that's a bit much. So yeah, sorry but can't have you guys this year, it's just not possible. Telling you now so you have LOADS of time to get something else sorted"

and DO NOT let yourself be bullied or browbeaten into it.

(oh and christmas day, lock the door and keep the music loud enough that no-one can hear if someone knocks or rings the bell)

I would either:

Tell brother that he had to bring xyz as his contribution. And tell him he had to mind his children or I would.

Or

Organise a restaurant and tell DB he was splitting the bill with us.

I think your mother is being unreasonable as it's you doing all the work and hosting and your children are missing out on your time and focus. And she is being very unreasonable by getting snippy with you. Why is it OK to say your brother won't do any hosting? Forge ahead with your plan.

Your DB has his own family, he will not be 'left out' and you will be inviting him 'along with named contribution' for boxing day. Ring your brother and tell him about the changes. Nearer the time you can give him the items he needs to bring (drink/food items) Plan for the older relatives and your mother come as usual unless told otherwise.

Definitely make him responsible for the alcohol whatever your plan ends up being. Be very clear and hide your own stash somewhere safe just in case they still turn up empty handed. Personally I would probably go for eating out option. Book it for yourselves/ parents and tell them they need to add themselves/ pay for it if they want to join you.

Your mum is being very unreasonable. You will just have to update your brother anyway and if your mum snips say I did ask for your opinion but I'm afraid it wasn't helpful. Something does have to change this year. I don't know why you're not more upset db doesn't pitch in occasionally. Anyway it's all sorted now, I'm so relieved, really couldn't face all that again this yearz

These issues can be hard a tradition is set that becomes awkward to get rid of - people like your sibling just take advantage

I would either have it out or if this is not an option then go for a compromise have them for part of the day perhaps a few hours in mid morning but not for the lunch just say it's getting too much for you - why not be brace -do it!!!

Sorry your mum being unreasonable just would tough it out with her - my mil is like this about SIL she has thoroughly spoilt her and will defend to her death the right of SIL to get preferential treatment - at the end of the day your brother has his own family he is not your responsibility - if your mum is that bothered why doesn't she host them!!

I have a similar issue, every single year.
This year, I'm booking a nice meal out for the 5 of us for Xmas day - whoever wants to come are welcome to book and pay at the same time.
Aand I'm trying not to feel guilty about it! (I looked into booking a cabin for Xmas week but left it too late )

Your mums being very unreasonable because she doesn't want the current arrangement to stop !

You do & you're the one having to do all the work so put your foot down & speak to your brother anyway

If you're mum doesn't want him to be on his own, she can go to his 😜

Be careful you don't get landed with having a buffet at yours on Boxing Day & having to do all the food for that too. Maybe suggest a relaxing pub lunch

Did you come to any solution OP?