Dealing with difficult sister at Christmas - please help!

[SugarMiceInTheRain]

History in a nutshell (relevant to question) - have an awkward relationship with my sister - she left home entirely of her own accord at 16, despite a stable upbringing with lots of support from both parents, even though they were divorced. She has for the past 16/17 years lived a very hippy existence, busking for a living, MH issues such as OCD, depression etc, tends to blame everything that's gone wrong in her life on our mother, very unfairly as she's had nothing to do with DM for a decade or more. I've always tried to keep a relationship going but very little effort made on her part, and she still acts like a hormonal teenager even though she's in her 30s. Still make an effort to include her, because, well, she's my sister and it'd be nice for my children to know their aunt.

Anyway, out of the blue, she has asked if the invitation I've made every year for her to spend Christmas with us is still open - I was gobsmacked as the last time she spent Christmas with us, DS 1&2 were toddlers (now 10 and almost 9) and that's the last time they saw her and it was a pretty tense few days. So she's coming up, don't know how it'll be - it will certainly change the dynamic but I'm hoping for the best.

However I haven't a clue what to get her for presents - generic stocking fillers probably ok but as for her main present I haven't a clue. I do want her to feel welcome and am hoping she won't go out and get bladdered like she did last time she came up.

Anyone have any suggestions for a) presents and b) dealing with and accommodating someone with severe OCD and other 'issues' in a house with 2 messy boys and a toddler DD? I normally give adults homemade hampers of foodie gifts but I was wondering if someone with OCD is likely to be too worried about food hygiene to eat something I've made. Argh! Was looking forward to a relaxing Christmas! I know I invited her, but never thought she'd actually accept after the last time!

Does she acknowledge she has OCD?

Can you make sure she has her own space? A room to herself would be ideal I should think.
Sorry can't be much help with presents.

If she busks, maybe hat, scarf, small blanket to sit on (if you don't knit or crochet, there's lots on Etsy that are affordable, or you might find some good ones at local craft markets). Music related gifts, even a small voucher for her local music shop. A travel mug, with inside some dark chocolate drink, etc. As she likes a drink, a bottle of wine or some miniatures, boozy home made truffles, chutney, jam, flavoured vodka? Well boozed up Christmas cake. Um... Ask her what she'd like?

You could ask her if she has any food preferences too, in case she's turned veggie or dairy free since you last met!

In your case I would ask her directly what she would like and also ask her her expectations of the visit and, if necessary, share yours. Get it all out in the open right at the beginning. You can do this and still be welcoming. Look at it as an opportunity to improve the relationship.

I normally give adults homemade hampers of foodie gifts but I was wondering if someone with OCD is likely to be too worried about food hygiene to eat something I've made.

As someone with OCD I can tell you that the answer to this is that it depends on a) how much of their OCD is focused on food and b) what her view of your house's cleanliness is. I would be find with food gifts from people such as my DM, MIL and DSis as I know their kitchen habits well and I would be able to 'trust' the food. However I also have some friends who, although I'd never say it to their faces, have kitchens that really don't meet my 'standards', and I struggle to eat there. Sorry that's probably not particularly helpful, but OCD varies so much from person to person it can be hard to predict. It also depends on her self awareness too, to be honest. I put a huge amount of work into suppressing my strongest compulsions when I'm in other people's homes, as I don't want to cause offence or appear rude. Is your sister able to do this? I've only reached this point through years of work and a course of psychiatry, so it depends.

People with OCD don't necessarily have an issue with cleanliness. It takes many forms and affects everybody differently. I am OCD diagnosed but cleaninless and germs bother me no more than anybody OCD free.

How about a nice pr of earrings or a bracelet or a watch or some fragrance she likes~ and some lovely chocs and slippers dressing gown nightie pjs theres loads of things my dear

Do you know anything about her OCD? Not just whether she is in a good or bad patch, but what it focuses on? I wonder if it is cleanliness or hygiene as a hippy lifestyle and busking would be unlikely choices if so.

I can see it is stressful hosting a somewhat estranged relative, but I hope it works out well, it seems a good sign that she is keen to come and see you all.

My sister has OCD and was worst at home, if she went away she seemed to be able to cope somehow, even camping (and many of her issues were around washing). So your sister may be better away from her own home. Or worse of course, it's impossible to know unfortunately

For a gift, TBH I would go for an amazon voucher or something, it's so hard to buy for someone you hardly know even without potential issues from her OCD

Thank you for the replies and the great ideas for gifts. I will head to the city on Friday for the craft and Christmas market and hopefully find something appropriate there.

The weird thing is that she does seem very concerned about germs and has gone through phases of scrubbing her hands in really hot water til they are raw, yet she has dreadlocks, doesn't smell clean and wears really tatty clothing. I don't know if she's in denial about how bad her OCD is, but a couple of years back she was refusing the medication the GP prescribed as she thought she knew better than him. Her tactic mostly seems to be to avoid anything that might be uncomfortable and she reckons doing that will make the OCD go away but tbh that approach clearly hasn't worked thus far.

Hadn't even thought about checking if her dietary requirements have changed, thanks for that tip, she does go through phases of being obsessed with certain ideas so could well have decided to be a vegetarian in the past few years for all I know!

Try Mystical Mayhem for a gift. Lovely selection of hippy type gifts on there. I use them a lot for my very free spirited, vegan, hippy type daughter. She is always thrilled and their delivery is quick. You could make her a little hamper with bits from there.

Thank you recklessgran, I will take a look at that site.

You don't sound very keen on her. She sounds like she's had a lot of struggles. You being kinder and more understanding will mean more than a gift I'd imagine.

One thing to remember with contamination ocd is that the particular contaminant a sufferer fears can be a specific thing that no one else sees as a risk. The efforts of avoiding, or cleaning and washing rituals to get rid of that specific perceived risk can mean no time or energy left for normal tidying or cleaning. Normal tidying and cleaning may in any case be difficult because they may involve contact with items perceived to be high risk, so would be very complicated and stressful. It is actually the norm for people with contamination ocd that is severe to live in chaos, as functioning around the house and handling items is so hard. I felt above that busking was an odd choice as someone prone to that type of ocd would often be vulnerable to sensing contamination on the streets or in contact with strangers and coins, but that said every case is so different.

I think you need to take off your moany head and put on a warm, fun one. Aim to have a lovely family xmas. You haven't seen her for ages and could use it as an opportunity to bond.

Yes you say her childhood was nice but you as you weren't in her shoes, you can't say that she found it nice. And her experience will naturally be different to yours. Children have different needs.

I am trying to be optimistic and hoping that it will be better than last time she came which was pretty stressful for all of us, including the children, as we only have a small house and they couldn't go in the living room as she was sleeping there til about 2pm most days and she'd lash out at us for touching her stuff, even though we hadn't This time I am going to move DD in with her brothers whilst she's here so that my sis has her own room she can retreat to. She doesn't have an easy life, though it's not for lack of opportunity, more due to self-sabotage. Am trying not to judge her but when she blames everyone else for her bad decisions, it's hard not to get frustrated (hence venting on here rather than to her face).