What to do about present for SIL?

[TowerOfJoyless]

Hi, looking for advice on whether or not to get a proper Xmas present for SIL (DH's sister), token something such as chocolates or nothing at all.

Background is she has no kids of her own, no interest in kids whatsoever and this includes my ds (6) and dd (nearly 2). This really grates on DH and rest of his family but I understand not everyone is interested in kids so I've never been too fussed either way re what she thinks or does. DH has another sister who lives over 500 miles away and can only visit several times a year but when she does, she will make sure to get plenty visits in with our dc's. Between her and DH, they effectively have to 'chase' meet ups for her to see our dc's.

I realised last week it is now over a year since she last laid eyes on the kids. Ds turned 6 in September and we never got as much as a text to say happy birthday to him, ds is now at the age he is noticing and was asking why he didn't see his aunt over his birthday. I'm now finding myself getting annoyed about this for the first time but when it comes to Xmas gifts for her, DH thinks we shouldn't bother with his sister at all where as me, being the soft touch that I am, feel more unsure (and maybe some bit worried about causing friction!)

We are getting his sister who lives quite far away a present btw, especially as she goes a bit overboard with stuff for the dc's!

What do you think? is DH being mean or am I a soft touch??

You don't give Christmas presents as a reward for paying attention to your kids or withhold them as punishment for not paying your kids the attention you think they deserve, surely!

Get her the present you want to get her as a person in her own right.

I think your dh is right. Even when people are not that fussed about kids, if she cared about her brother at all, she would make a bit of an effort to get to know the most important people in his life. It's just what you do as part of a family. Clearly it doesn't matter to her and in the end this is your dh's sister so really he should decide what sort of effort to make, if at all.
For me, it would be a bix of chocs at best.

I would get her a box of chocolates. There's no harm and you won't stress over whether you have done the right thing. It's always good to treat people the same.

When she gets your chocs she might feel a tad guilty for ignoring your family too!

Seriously?? Someone who doesn't have their own kids and doesn't make your kids her world and you won't get her a Christmas present? Wow! Not everybody is kids mad. She is still your DH's sister whether she worships your kids or not. Buy her a present. If of course she doesn't buy you a present this year (not your kids - you) then you may review this policy next year .

Thanks for the replies. Tiggles we dont expect anything for myself or DH from her or the rest of his family as we asked them just to buy for the kids. I think we will just get a box of chocs for her and her DH then in that case ☺

I'm sorry OP but other people's children are incredibly boring and tedious, you cannot expect her to fawn over yours and remember birthdays, especially in the age of Facebook where most people only remember birthdays on the day when they get a notification it's so-and-so's birthday.

You're both further unreasonable to use Christmas gifts as rewards for paying attention to your kids -- do you not understand how mental that sounds?? Of course to you they're precious and deserve lots of attention but from the outside it looks very odd

If you want to get her a gift and have something in mind that she will like, buy that. Otherwise leave it and focus on your relationship with her. I'm sure she will have more of a relationship with your DC when they are older and can hold a conversation.

I'm surprised that people think it is odd to expect people to remember their neices/nephews birthdays and to make a bit of an effort with them.

Aderyn that's what has got me feeling like this - previously I couldn't have given a shiny shit what sil did wrt my kids, dh's family cared more. But it's the fact ds is now noticing and conmenting. I get that plenty people aren't interested in kids full stop but how do I explain that to a six year old?

Does she buy xmas gifts for your kids? If so then you definitely should be getting her a gift.

She previously has, although I am beginning to wonder about this year.

Other people's kids are generally tedious tbh and I say that having five of my own. I can't honestly say I find my nephews and nieces all that endearing although I bought them gifts when they were small. I much prefer it now they are adult and dsis and I have reverted to buying gifts for each other instead tbh.
I think you should buy SIL a gift and dh needs to think about why SIL doesn't apparently want a relationship with him either because they could meet up without the dc if SIL wanted to

But they are just some stranger's kids. They are her brother's children. Worth a bit of effort. I am about to become an auntie and cannot imagine not caring about my sibling's baby.
I am a godmother and while I don't feel as invested as I would with a niece/nephew, I still buy gifts and listen patiently to my friend talk about her dc all the time because she is my friend and so by extention I care about her child. (Child is very nice though, which helps).

Sorry, should say not some stranger's kids