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Christmas

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Original poster

am i being mean?

23 replies

mammaitaliana1 · 15/12/2006 16:12

my sister-in-law never acknowledged the birth of my son due to an argument she had with my husband a few years ago. She is not talking to us but she is sending us presents for Xmas... last year i sent them presents too (i felt guilty as had got hers in the post) but i have had enough of this, what is the meaning of it all? So i have decided not to send any presents this year.
Am i being mean as her little ones have no fault of their own, they only have a cow for mother!

OP posts:
QuootiepiesChristmasName · 15/12/2006 16:14

Be the beiiger person and buy somrthing for her kids... no point punishing them...

QuootiepiesChristmasName · 15/12/2006 16:15

????? bigger

SantaGotStuckUpTheGreensleeve · 15/12/2006 16:16

Mmmm - if she is sending presents for your children hers will probably expect presents from you, so I think it is a bit mean not to send them. If you are really upset with her I would try and talk directly to her about why, and let her know that you don't wish to exchange presents in the future, if that is how you feel.

Original poster
mammaitaliana1 · 15/12/2006 16:16

yes, you are right

but i have a feeling we will never make peace and will be buying presents until the day the kids are married

OP posts:
KentuckyFreudChicken · 15/12/2006 16:17

send pressies for kids - not her. Agree its a bit crap though........why don't you try and get them to kiss and make up?

SantaGotStuckUpTheGreensleeve · 15/12/2006 16:17

FWIW I do sympathise - my older sister has never acknowledged or met either of my sons, although she was in phone contact with my dad while I was having ds1 and both of us were in serious danger - he was in intensive care and I was haemorrhaging. He was talking to her on his phone from the hospital and she wasn't remotely interested and never sent a card or anything.

I do think you should send her children something this year though, because they will be expecting it.

Original poster
mammaitaliana1 · 15/12/2006 16:17

i would love to talk openly but she is impossible to talk to

she gets really annoyed and takes things personally

and she is always right

OP posts:
Original poster
mammaitaliana1 · 15/12/2006 16:19

i might send them some vouchers etc so they can buy what they want

also, this way it is less personal

i am not a vengeful person

but i am peed off about this whole business

OP posts:
Original poster
mammaitaliana1 · 15/12/2006 16:19

Santa:

your sister sounds like a real cow

OP posts:
elclose · 15/12/2006 16:20

no do not buy anything it is so stupid to exchange presents with every family member. that is the right answer but you wont be speaking forever if you send nothing !! you better nip down the shops and get something

SantaGotStuckUpTheGreensleeve · 15/12/2006 16:20

I'm sure you're not vengeful - it's very very hurtful when someone doesn't acknowledge your child. I still feel hurt and angry about my sister even though I can't stand her.

Don't let it spoil your Christmas.

SantaGotStuckUpTheGreensleeve · 15/12/2006 16:20

Oh, she is

Original poster
mammaitaliana1 · 15/12/2006 16:21

she is not spoiling my xmas

but i would not be sorry if i never spoke to her again

truly

OP posts:
elclose · 15/12/2006 16:27

what you need to do is say early in the year you arent doing presents, this year when my ds turned one my sister and brother in law sent him a 3 pack of sainsburys own branded socks between them they earn 80 grand! I always get their kids nice stuff like outfit from next ect this year i am buying them naff all!!

elclose · 15/12/2006 16:28

i know you dont give to receive but i am getting cheesed off with their crap presents!

janeite · 15/12/2006 18:06

No you're not being mean. Break the obligation or you'll be doing this for years! Gift giving should be about appreication for people you care about, not done as a sense of duty or tit for tatness. You'll be the bigger person for refusing to play these games and if she doesn't speak to you any way, what does it matter if she's offended?

Tortington · 15/12/2006 18:08

yes you are being mean.

i buy small gifts every year for the 10 cousins on my dh's side - their parents never buymy kids anything.

DimpledThighs · 15/12/2006 18:50

no you are not being mean - if you do not want a relationship that involves the mere exchange of gifts each year then don't. The longer before you break it the harder it will be in the end. It may also be the catalyst that changes teh relationship by one of you getting in touch and if not it closes the relationship.

Do not give yourself a hard time. If this feels right then you should do it. Chidren get lots of presents at christmas and the giving is a gesture from the giver not an expectation by the receiver. They probably won't notice - she will - mission completed.

helenhismadwife · 15/12/2006 20:03

why is she sending presents? I think its a strange thing to do when you dont have any sort of relationship with someone.

I would send presents this time because you are likely to get them and as you say its not the childrens fault, but I would consider sending a letter to her saying what you want to say, what I mean is either I am not going to be sending presents any more as I find this whole situation unpleasant and want it to stop, or I would prefer that we sorted this situation out and had proper family realationships where our children know each other

Stockingsofdinosaurs · 16/12/2006 14:56

"You'll be the bigger person for refusing to play these games and if she doesn't speak to you any way, what does it matter if she's offended?"

Erm no, she'd be the bigger person if she made the first move and talked to the woman, esp if it was her dh who had the argument with her in the first place. Or do the kids have plenty of spare cousins?

Mamma, am I right in assuming it is your dh and his sister? Surely it's up to your dh if he wants to stop buying for his nieces/nephews (even if it is you who does the shopping)

BuffysMum · 16/12/2006 15:24

Could you arrange for the cousins to come over ie be dropped off so they can spend time together?

I'm not buying presents for niece/nephew this year, I did tell sil this as they all get too much and I'd much rather spend time with them.

but that does not seem important to sil just that they get presents, oh and in advance so they get to open them on Christmas day whereas I'd like to see them open their presents and spend time together it's just different personalities.

Hope sil has remembered!

Tinker · 16/12/2006 15:29

Will you still see the kids? I think if they're going to grow up not really knowing you, I'd stop the present malarkey now. Never got presents from my mum's family at all.

Tinker · 16/12/2006 15:30

And agree, if it's your husbands sister, let him sort this out.

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