How do i stop myself being a martyr on xmas day

[princessconsuelabannahammock]

Its my first time hosting and first time to have christmas at home with my DC ( we traditionally went to my parents). I have my in laws and mother here - they all have form for parking themselves on the sofa and doing nowt. They will all happily watch me look after kids, cook, clean and serve tea etc and not lift a finger. My husband is great but needs expressed instructions - so its often easier to just do it myself.

I would like this xmas to be fun and relaxed, i want nice food and to play with my kids and enjoy the day.

I dont want everyone to have a great day at the expense of mine ifyswim?

My husband thinks make things more difficult than they need to be but he doesnt grasp that if DS hasnt eaten by a set time, then he wont sleep, then he will be grumpy etc etc.

I am trying to prep food in advance but time is slipping away from me esp as DD has finished nursery now and Dmil has just cancelled the 90 mins she was going to look after the kids so i could do the xmas food shop.

Do any experienced hosters have any top tips? I want everyone inc me to have a great day, i dont want to be a stressed, sweaty mess. Help!

Watching with interest as already feel a mug- am only one working today but guess who puts on a wash, sorts the online shop, does the to do lists? Dh left kitchen in a tip, gone off to a cafe and left dpets unwed, washing in basket

Agree about the perfectionism thing, ditto the getting men to do stuff. However back in the real world, they just don't. To the same extent. In the vast majority of households..

Whoops dpets unfed! No animal weddings to prep for on top of Christmas!

Hoovering?? On Christmas Day?! Why
Dishes get shoved in the dishwasher and everything else can wait till Boxing Day
On Boxing Day morning here there are boxes & wrapping paper everywhere empty bottles/cans/chocolate boxes/Pringles tubes all over the kitchen, paper hats placed in hilarious when you're pissed positions all over the house and everyone is happy and exhausted
Seriously OP just chill the fuck out, it's just one day!

I'm with pp on no hoovering but couldn't be done with crisp packets etc left overnight

Why make a home made soup for Christmas day evening? Yet another chore, either don't serve soup or buy a nice ready made one.

Absolutely no hoovering on Christmas Day .

Please let go of the 'perfection idea' - I know it's easy to get sucked into the 'everything must be perfect idea' - but it is just not necessary.

Agree about the perfectionism thing, ditto the getting men to do stuff. However back in the real world, they just don't - that's just not true in my 'real world' - if my DH didn't pull his weight with the Christmas arrangements then he (and I ) would be celebrating Christmas alone. There does seem to be a lot of 'martyrs' around where Christmas is concerned.

I think I would take on lunch as my task because sometimes it's easier and less annoying to do something yourself than having to give someone else instructions. I would tell DH in advance that there is buffet food in for supper and it is his job to arrange it. I would tell the guests to help them selves to teas, coffee or anything else they might want. Then I would relax and try not to be irritated at DH doing the supper in a way I wouldn't

After the meal, sigh and pour yourself a large wine and say very loudly "Well that was great and I am done.! And then do. not. move.

relax about your child going to bed on time/eating etc. Have a jolly day.

If my P was not prepared to do his fair share of the work, then there is no way I'd be hosting a large family gathering.

We are going to my sister's this year. She has given everyone coming a list of jobs - including the kids.

Your DC are young, embrace the chaos!
Don't expect it to resemble a JL christmas advert at all times, there will be mess.
When your DC are grown up you can have a civilized christmas day, you'll miss them being young if you don't indulge it now.
Try and view the day through your DC's eyes. I loved christmas as a child, have no recollection of ehen wrapping paper was cleared, how moist the turkey was or when the washing up was done.
Put DH on floor clearing duty. Wrapping paper/rubbish cleared as he goes along. OH puts everything to the edge of the room. Used to drive me mad when I was seeking perfection as it's not a proper tidy. Now it makes laugh (especially when he's neatly stacking lego, just put it in the box!) and it does the job. A bit of clear floor is the most you can hope for on christmas day.
Use disposable tins to cook as much as poss, have music on and a drink on the go and wash up a bit as you go along.
The best christmas's i've been to haven't been perfection, but the hosts have been happy and relaxed.
Don't worry about the stuff that doesn't matter. If the world ended christmas night you wouldn't care about unwashed pans and how many cups of tea people had or if the turkey was Heston Blumenthal graded of moist, you'd be gutted if you'd missed out on playing with your DC in favour of that stuff though.

I'm fine with hosting, but the only thing I do differently from a normal sunday roast is having a hot pudding as well

If we've got a crowd, then we split into two groups after lunch - the walkers and the washers ie if you're not helping clear up then you get the fuck OUT of my house for an hour with the DC in the park, as it's sooo much easier clearing up when you're not tripping over people and having people adding to the mess with extra drinks, snacks and wrapping.

Fil will def want to help and i always give him a job to do as he is as deaf as a post and cant take part in the conversation and genuinely likes to help. He currently has back problems and cant sit, so i will prop him up in kitchen with the potatoes or sprouts. I think its mil that irks me most.

DH and i had a big chat about this topic over breakfast and he agrees that its not all my job and he will do whatever i ask. I dont want my DS to grow up thinking its womens work!!!

Part of the reason we are not going to my parents (ddad and sm) is she is such a christmas martry and so rigid that it sucks all the joy out of the day and i dont want that for us.

So everyone will get a job assigned to them, bins will be emptied, dishwasher ready to load (currently rethinking plan on using great aunts beautiful china that can only be hand washed!). There is stuff we need to do like move big table to family room and that will be done tues eve and sofa is going into eat in kitchen so that everyone isnt sat in a different room.

We have an event on the morning 10-12 so thinking crossants for breakfast before we go, then bacon sarnies when we get back and doing christmas dinner at 5 instead of lunch. This will give us more time for presents and play and cut down the rush rush to get a meal on the table for 2pm.

Ragwort - soups is doddle, will make that weds morning and stick in the fridge and serve with part baked baguettes and leftover sarnies. I thought this was easier than a buffet. Might use paper plates though and serve soup in mugs.

Hoovering is to only save very nice rug but might sit DS highchair on a sheet and fling crumbs out for the birds. I HATE coming downstairs to yesterdays mess but will be stacking rear lobby with boxes for recycling and rubbish, so clean up is a doddle.

TBF hubby wrapped all the presents, did 50% of the big clean this weekend and will take both kids out xmas eve morning so i can finish last of prep -its hardwork trying to do it with both kids here, so that will be a big help.

Will do big shop tonight when kids in bed as after fridays trip i swore i was never taking them both again

We are out most of xmas eve and boxing day so it really is only one day here.

Actually now i have some good ideas and have had a good rant i feel much better about it all, so thanks!

Your DH is having somewhat of a cop out by saying he'll do whatever he's told - I presume as a fully functioning adult he's capable of engaging his own bloody brain and seeing what needs doing???

Also bin the martyr act (much easier after a G&T) - f anyone complains let them have it both barrels.

Write a detailed shopping list and send DH out for the big food shop, ideally with the easier child if daytime. Supermarkets are open in the evenings, he could do most of it in the time it takes you to put both children to bed. He might not make exactly the same decisions as you but they'll be good enough. Alternatively we have done it with 2 trolleys, one child each, divide and conquer the list, swap children when one gets grouchy.

Table laying and veg prep on christmas eve. Get some very simple food for christmas eve - carbonara, pizza, chicken or salmon portions baked with lemon and jacket potatoes (ie catering equivalent of kievs and chips).

I do agree that you should try to get the men involved too. If peeling carrots is a step too far they can still be tasked with assembling/unpackaging new toys, playing with or reading to children, or you can task the child eg "show grandad how you can do a dance to your new CD". They may also be ok with making tea/coffee. But I do think we need to think about what we are teaching our children if we take on all the food as "wifework".

There are great tips online for prepping ahead but I think the main thing is to think of it as a normal roast dinner and just buy in any "essential" extras - cranberry, bread sauce etc can come out of a jar. I like to steam the veg as that gives a wide window between undercooked and overcooked - it is difficult to make soggy carrots in a steamer.

I don't think starters are necessary on christmas day, and dessert can be bought christmas pud or an alternative bought dessert.

If there is a film you fancy, declare your intention to watch it and make sure you sit down and do. If there needs to be a tea round, volunteer DH or ask loudly if anyone will volunteer. For buffet food, think minimal prep - presliced deli ham saves effort over baking your own and carving. Christmas cake and satsumas for pudding.

Oh and have some "get the fuck out of my hair and my kitchen" strategies. I did this last year for when my (tricky) DM was over. DH does the cooking so it was more the keep her from driving him batshit. So I printed off loads of Christmas quizzes and crosswords and said "Oh, DM, why don't you and Dad take the DC off to try one of these". There are times when "help" is a fucking nightmare - so yyyy ask for it - but also have plans for when you don't want it.

It's simple (ish). Just don't do anything that you don't want to do. You mention soup for example - only make a home made soup if that's what YOU want to eat on Christmas Day. Otherwise don't worry about it.

We're having a cheeseboard and mince pies for tea on Christmas Day - DM is bringing the cheese and I already have the mince pies and the biscuits. Someone else can get it all on the table and people can help themselves. I don't want anything else for tea, so I'm not bothering to make anything. If anyone else felt strongly that something else ought to be served (they don't) they could provide it themselves.

My priority on Christmas Day is to spend time with the children and the extended family who come to visit us. If the washing up doesn't get done, it stays not done until there's a better time to do it.

DEFINITELY put the highchair on a sheet!!!

In fact, our highchair and DS1's chair (he's 4 and still occasionally drops stuff) are permanently on wipeable mats - I just use cut offs of outdoor tablecloths.

Yes to timesheets. I started this the first year I did Christmas at ours, just because we had two ovens than needed lots of different temperatures etc. and I didn't want to have to think too hard.

In the end it worked out really well because DS1 was so clingy everyone got fed up of him crying whenever I left the room so my mum and DH took over the cooking and I sat and played with DS

Timetable in the opening of the presents. I've told DH that no presents are to be opened when I'm not there unlike last year

Cut corners wherever you can - use dishes that can go in the dishwasher.

Delegate as much as possible.

Rather than bacon sarnies which require cooking, why not a selection of cold hams?

My rule is simple -
I am not a servant. I am not here to wait on you. If you want waited on you can fuck off somewhere else. It's all hands on deck.

Veg are all the mini ones - potatoes and carrots aren't peeled. All the roast veg gets chucked into the same pan to par boil, and then the same tray. Other veg is steamed. We don't bother with pigs in blanket etc. Its a joint of meat, veg and gravy.

Dessert, no big dessert eaters. Starter simply doesn't exist. If people want one, they can make one.

Someone else can set the table.
Someone else can clean up afterwards, and load/unload the dishwasher.
Anyone wants a drink, they can make their own and everyone elses.

Bloody teenagers - i like your rule, i need to channel it as i secretly fear the martyr bit is ingrained from my childhood (sm is biggest one EVER).

The shopping with two trolleys is genius, might feed the kids early, pop them in their pjs (coats over the top!) and do the food shop with hubby straight after work. We can then pack it away after they are in bed.

George foreman for bacon sarnies, easy peasy and i like bacon sarnies and soup so not too fussed about those.

Def will write out a big do to list and timeline as DS might be so clingy that me staying and playing with him is only answer. Def no present opening without me - i would flip if that happened.

HELLO - there are sticker books in the kids stockings for that exact reason, sometimes help can be more of a hindrance.

No starters - kids wont sit long enough. I have ready made xmas pudding and will be making a nutella cheesecake (easy). I was thinking of a 3rd pudding (choc orange trifle) but might just offer raspberries and cream instead. We are def pudding eaters! Buying a jar of bread sauce and cranberry sauce.

I feel its a cop out for hubby to do what he is told - this was my big moan, he is an adult and no less capable than me but i am a total control freak and he is very agreeable so it usually works well for us, i just wish SOMETIMES i didnt have to tell him. The thought of sending him shopping with a list fills me with dread, also i am better at keeping it within our very tight budget. I do think i am the problem in this situation!

I'm probably being a bit dim here but I just don't "get" why people get so stressed over Xmas dinner. It's just a roast dinner, surely once the meat is in and the veggies boiling away then that's that (bar a bit of basting). I always cook Xmas dinner and I'm far from glued to the kitchen away from the fun.

We have 3 kids under the age of 7, plus they'll be 4 adults and so I expect chaos. I just clean as I go so the dishwasher is filled as and when something is used. Paper and boxes from presents are put straight out into the recycling. Once lunch is eaten I sit and chill and then dinner is just rolls and ham.

Seriously where is the stress coming from? My husband will help, he'll keep everyone's drinks filled and help the kids with their toys but I expect my mum and sil won't do much (maybe shoot evils at each other, they are not friends) and ill cook.

I think the stress is because its my first time hosting and i want it to be really nice and enjoyable for everyone coming. Perhaps i am trying to recreate a john lewis christmas ad (which obvs it wont be ) but i want it to be the best it can. You get out of things what you put in.

My mother and mil dont really get each other so thats adding to the stress and its my mums birthday.

My mother is the flakiest person i know and that had a terrible effect on xmas growing up ( my bike once got stolen out of her car on xmas eve whilst she was at bingo so i had nothing xmas day, i already knew i was getting a bike, i was 6) and my stepmum is the most Hyacinth bucket person i know so if i can get a happy medium it should be ok!

Also i dont want to feel put upon and do the martyr bit and ruin it for everyone see above with smum!

Cook turkey day before. Means you can also make gravy and reheat. Prep veg night before..put in water to avoid browning
No drinking of tea and coffee, if they aren't drinking wine then a big jug of mocktail (orange and bitter lemon is nice) in the room they can help themselves to. DH to clear up afterwards.

Get everything you can ready on Christmas eve. Get DC to help you, then when necessary, park DC in front of DVD whilst your DH and you finish off.

Forget about making things perfect. Ultimately, no-one will care about "the year they didn't have bread sauce" but they will care about an "atmosphere".

No-one wants a rich pudding after all that food, so don't spend time and energy making one. It'll only make you cross. Buy something nice and ready made instead, or don't bother.

Cold/tepid foodstuffs are fine, bung it on warm-ish plates with hot everything-else (esp gravy), and no one will notice. Don't stress about lack of oven space. Just make sure you've enough room to cook everything first.

Heat crockery up in a sink of warm (then hot) water, if you lack oven space.

Give someone the task of "barman". Make sure everyone knows whose job it is, and that you've gone to a load of trouble to make sure there's ice/lemon/corkscrew/booze/tapwater available.

Keep everyone out of the kitchen unless they are actively doing something to help. Have jobs that make the most useless/irritating ones feel useful but get them out of your hair - e.g entertaining DC, set table, clear away wrapping/gifts, etc.

Think of all the Christmases when you've not had to host, and be glad of them - your Mum and MIL probably hosted for 40+ years.

I also do very anal schedule that works backwards and I do a second list for dp. I prep everything on Christmas eve and then on the day can just tick off as I go.

Last year we had 16 so I decided serving everything up was a faff so just put everything on the table and people helped themselves. Worked really well.

I also did really easy veg, spiced red cabbage and apple made two days before and reheated on day then roasted beetroot, carrots and parsnips on the day.

I also have a tendency to be a martyr but after one awful year where everyone else did fuck all I decided never again. As a pp said. Serve dinner then say "I'm now off duty, I'll be drinking wine whilst you all tidy up. Enjoy!"
Then, most importantly stick to it.

If it helps tesco still had click and collect grocery slots for next few days my way so maybe you could order online and pick up rather than having to fight round shops with dc.

Good luck and upgrade the prosecco to a chef's champagne, that keeps me smiling

Def doing a timeline and providing hubby a list. I will stick it somewhere prominent so there can be no excuses. Mil has form for laughing as she leaves and saying i meant to help you load the dishwasher (even though she sat there watching me do it, arrggh) Not this year Mil mwahhaha.

Cooking turkey on xmas eve and all other stuff will be prepared beforehand, so only popping bits in oven for the actual meal. Still not decided on what time to serve, i need to find out what time in laws are arriving first. Thats hubbys job, as is tackling HIS mother, mine i will sort out.