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Just had an email saying thank you for the xmas card but I am Ms X not Mrs Y

31 replies

TheBlonde · 11/12/2006 09:45

FFS I cannot be bothered to write out two surnames on the envelope - do people really care about this>??

OP posts:
Miaou · 11/12/2006 09:47

There was a thread about this the other day. Yes, people do care!

WhenSantaWentQuietlyMad · 11/12/2006 09:47

There was a thread on this over the weekend, if you want to see the wide variety of views!

Names on Christmas Card

MerryMellowmas · 11/12/2006 09:48

I wouldn't. I certainly wouldn't send someone and email to tell them they had got it wrong.

Must have a bee in her bonnet about it, or something .....

MerryMellowmas · 11/12/2006 09:48

OOPS

Miaou · 11/12/2006 09:49

here

EniDeepMidwinter · 11/12/2006 09:49

I would and did care (pre marriage)

but wouldn't bother to email

handlemecarefully · 11/12/2006 09:51

I can understand her being mildly irritated but it was very snippy of her to email you about it!

paulaplumpbottom · 11/12/2006 09:55

What did you write back to her?

swedishmum · 11/12/2006 09:58

After 19 years I don't even notice. Even dh gets letters to Mr my name sometimes! Only use his when ordering takeaway as it's easier to hear in a busy restaurant. I laugh now when dh's relatives send me stuff to Mrs dh1stname dh2ndname. They'll never change.

WHEELYbahhumBUG · 11/12/2006 10:01

Hello TheBlonde !

Now I had this dilemma the other day - a friend of mine got married a couple of months ago. He lives abroad and had a small wedding so didn't go. When writing their christmas card I had big problems deciding how to address it - as Mr & Mrs X or as Mr X and Ms Maiden name. It seemed 'wrong' putting the latter as they had just got married but then didn't know if it was correct to put Mr & Mrs. In the end I plumped for Mr & Mrs and put a note in the card saying apologies if J is not Mrs H !

Which all seems a bit silly really...

Can't believe someone took the trouble to e mail you though !!

NotQuiteCockney · 11/12/2006 10:01

I mind, but I wouldn't ever send an email about it!

And to be fair, I mostly mind because DH's family persist in sending things to Mr + Mrs hisname, despite knowing full well, I do not, and have never, call myself by his name!

If people phone up and ask for Mrs Hisname, I say "Yes, that's me, more or less"

Medea · 11/12/2006 10:22

Like others, I mind but wouldn't email. That's really ungracious. And now you feel bad, which you shouldn't, because people do this ALL the time, and in it's one of those things non-name-changers just have to learn to live with.

To me it's like repeatedly being called Mrs White if my name were Mrs Brown. It's as though the person is saying "Oh, close enough; I don't really care what her name actually is." Basically I'm being called someone else's name.

And while it may be a matter of "oh sod it I can't be bothered to write out 2 surnames" it can come across as something mildly aggressive, like "Well I think it's ridiculous that women keep their maiden names, so I'm going to ignore it whenever it happens."

My parents, for a long time, insisted on changing my name to my husband's. This caused practical problems. Once they sent me a package and I wasn't able to claim it from the post office because my identification (passport, license et al) has my name, not my husband's. And my father once bought me an airline ticket to come see him, and put it in my husband's surnname. It was a generous gesture, but it was post 9/11 and I wasn't allowed to get on the plane. Well, EVENTUALLY they let me on the plane, but only after the ticket was reissued with a surcharge.

In Spain, so far as I know, everyone's name is essentially double-barrelled. So there's a culture where you just get used to writing a lot of surnames. So it can be done!

PortAndLemonaid · 11/12/2006 10:45

I mind, but wouldn't have emailed. After all, most people who do it just forget in the swing of writing out so many envelopes.

The "can't be bothered to write a whole extra surname on the card" excuse is a bit crap, though. Would you address an envelope to Mike Tompkinson as "Mike Tom" and justify it by saying "I cannot be bothered to write out the extra 'pkinson' on the envelope". If writing an extra word on the envelope is too much trouble, then I suggest you

(a) write just "John and Jane" [don't specify a surname]... or just use their initials and address to "JB & JS" and save even more trouble)

(b) refer to them as Mr and Mrs Herlastname and try to pass it off as an ironic postmodern gesture, or

(c) just don't send them a card at all as if the trouble of writing one extra word rankles so much they presumably aren't very good friends

ernest · 11/12/2006 11:46

loads of people say they'd mind but not mail. well tbh, if she doesn't etell people, how will they know?

Tbh, I think it was good she let you knwo, otherwise you'll get it wrong every time. LOADS of people on the other thread said they kept their maidan name but got the hump if people used the wrong name. surely better to bloody well tell people then?

Slightly different, but someone always spells ds's name wrong. tbh I don't giv e f*k and am happy she remembers him, and don't want to seem fussy so haven't bothered mentioning it. But if I did care, and it did bother me, I would. I think she did the right thing.

Am amazed loads of people moads on other thrad about people getting it wriong, yet on this threada general concensus is she was snippy to popint it out. sheesh. Just goes to show you can't win, eh?

ParanoidSurreyHousewife · 11/12/2006 11:49

I got 3 emails from someone who wanted us to write to Dr B and Mrs F Smith, rather than to Dr & Mrs Smith.

They send a round robin and lead a rather sad life imo.

Quootiepie · 11/12/2006 11:55

oh FGS, are people that sad? I get all sorts... Mrs maiden name, Mr & Mrs DHs first & surname, Ms (which I can't stand), Miss still because I dont think people quite believe im married - do I bother to email everyone? No I blooming do not. I have more important things in my life. MN for one

LazycowLyinginaManger · 11/12/2006 11:55

One of the many reasons I am not sending any Christmas card this year. It is all a minefield and people are often very sensitive about this.

I just solve this by writing first names only and follow with & family but I appreciate many will find this offensive too

I on the other hand have a mad surname (in this country anyway)that almost no-one can pronounce or spell so have always been used to people getting it wrong, forgetting - not knowing how to write it etc. I really don't care is my name is spelled wrong or if I'm called Mrs XX (despite keeping my pre-married surname) on a personal letter. It is more problematic when people send cheques or buy a holiday/plane ticket etc but in that situation I would always check with the receiver. After all you can go by our married name but might have a bank account in another name etc.

For a letter/card sent to me I really don't care what surname is used on it but I appreciate others do.

Tommy · 11/12/2006 11:58

We have just had a card delivered to Mr and Mrs DH's Name DH's surname

from my aunt - who writes to me about once or maybe twice a year

I wouldn't email her about it tbh but she is of an age and a generation so I just let it lie. If it was someone knew very well and who knew that I was Ms Myname then I might politely point it out.

Mind you - that's from someone who has just spent the whole weeekend with FIL who insist on calling DS2 by the name he (FIL) thinks we should call him by and not the name DS2 prefers and everyone else calls him.

Did I say anything?

no - what a wuss

DoesntChristmasDragOn · 11/12/2006 12:01

Quite frankly, she needs to get out more. It's a Christmas card not a legal document.

DoesntChristmasDragOn · 11/12/2006 12:03

Oooh, Tommy, we've had that before - general consensus was that you should call the offender by the name you think he should be called by until he gets the message

frogs · 11/12/2006 12:05

Emailing you about it is just downright rude.

We get a variety of forms on cards sent to us: dh firstname + me firstname; "frogs and family"; Mr & Mrs dhname, and even occasionally Mr and Mrs Myname. Some of my older relatives are even confused about whose surname the children have, so the kids get stuff addressed to them + my surname, although they have dh's.

I can't bring myself to get stressed about it, possibly unless I knew someone was deliberately using the Mr & Mrs Dhname form to piss me off. But even then I wouldn't email, just try to rise above it. The only thing that does annoy me is one of my cousins who addresses stuff to the children but always, always, uses an incorrect form of dh's surname. I mentally mutter, "Fgs, it's not that hard to spell, just bother to look".

But in the end I'm pleased enough that people bother to send us stuff without freaking out about forms of address. And it is hard: some of my friends have changed their surname on marriage, some haven't. So you can get it wrong in either direction. A few years ago I resorted to using first names only on envelopes, but that annoyed the trad brigade as well.

Life too short really, blah blah.

ParanoidSurreyHousewife · 11/12/2006 12:10

Yes, thining about it there are a few "Ms"'s in my address book where I don't know their husband's surname. And they're overseas so I always worry slightly about going with first names only.

TheBlonde · 11/12/2006 12:15

I have replied apologising for any offence
Obv must be an issue for her

How are you supposed to address the card once they reproduce?

OP posts:
frogs · 11/12/2006 12:36

Well, strictly and traditionally speaking, you would put Mr & Mrs John Smith. The children are irrelevant, in this worldview.

But then there will be lots of people who will think that's stuffy and patriarchal, some of whom will want their own pre-marriage surname used, and some of whom will wish to have their children included.

Moral: you can't please all of the people all of the time. You take a guess at what people's preferences are likely to be (as a rough guide, if they live in Chelsea or the Cotswolds, go for Mr & Mrs Joe Bloggs, if they live in Brighton or Stoke Newington, it's first names all the way and children are most definitely included), and go with that. And hope they will recognise the dilemma and cut you some damn slack.

Emailing to correct you is so gauche. Rude. Yuk. Tell her to be grateful she's getting any cards at all, and not to be so up herself.

ParanoidSurreyHousewife · 11/12/2006 12:41

Do you want to be exchanging cards with someone who is so up themselves though? What are her positive qualities that outweigh this rudeness? Clearly she has too much time on her hands if she can send you emails on this topic!
Or is she family so you're stuck with her?