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Christmas

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Original poster

Am I just being mean minded?

24 replies

RuthT · 07/12/2006 19:53

Invited both sets of parents down for Christmas. As I was off work last year they stayed for about 3/4 nights but I felt knackered dd was 6mnths at the time and I felt like I was running a hotel.

So this year invited in laws and own parents to come down on Christmas and go the day after Boxing. It's about a 4 hr journey. My parents say fine. In laws said great, then sis in law rings with the news that mil is not happy. It is too far to come for just 2 nights, plus some other stuff.

I get dh to call mil to sort it out and they say they will think about it and get back. 2 wks later he calls them and after some debate they say okay we'll come down. But lets not buy each other presents. We'll just by our grandaughter one.

Is it me or is that just plain rude?

OP posts:

MrsMaloryTowers · 07/12/2006 19:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Carmenere · 07/12/2006 19:55

Yes rude and the obvious thing to do is to buy them gifts anyway and relish their embarrasment on Christmas morning

Boleyn · 07/12/2006 19:59

A lot of families are moving away from a traditional present swap and only buying for the Kids. Is it that? Even so they should get you something as hosts even if you decide not to reciprocate.

But in this case it sounds a bit like tit for tat.

helenhismadwife · 08/12/2006 14:36

Having people to stay is hard work unless they are people who will help out, by the sound of it they didnt last year and it obviously wasnt much fun for you.
I agree with what Carmenere said I would still get presents and say I know you said not to but it is christmas the season of giving, goodwill and families etc and hope they are they should be they are being really awful.

Or you could ring up and speak to mil and say that it was hard last year and that you would like to spend some of your dh hard earned time off alone with him and your dd.

themulledSNOWMANneredjanitor · 08/12/2006 14:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TillyRose · 08/12/2006 14:56

hours driving for 2 nights is a long way. I am not sure I would do that, let alone elderly people. However I think they should buy a present.

TillyRose · 08/12/2006 14:56

Sorry, 8 hours....

ChristmasCaroligula · 08/12/2006 14:57

It might be just plain rude.

But I think you're better off giving them the benefit of the doubt. Four hours drive for old people is a lot, but otoh if you are a burden when you're a guest, you've got to expect not to be that welcome. I think it's one of those insoluble in-law problems and it's best to not assume the worst as you will feel resentful and irritated all the time they're there if you do.

TerrbileTwos · 08/12/2006 14:58

why is your sis inlaw ringing up to tell you they are not happy about it? Maybe she is doing a little bit of stirring cos she thinks SHE might get lumbered with them for an extra couple of days...... or am i being way to suspicious!!? A four hour drive these days is nothing to most people and you would think they would relish spending the time with their granddaughter.

DizzyBinterWonderland · 08/12/2006 15:00

i think the only buying for their grandaughter is fine, just a shame they've decided this at the same time as deciding you're too far away for a 2 night visit.

FWIW my gran is 85 and she drives 2 hours each way down the motorway to visit us for the day.

Socci · 08/12/2006 15:04

Message withdrawn

piglit · 08/12/2006 15:09

I personally think your mil is being rude. Can you face speaking to her? (I'm a fine one to talk - we got caller display so I know when she's calling and I don't answer the phone...) However, I wonder whether your sil might be stirring a bit? My mil is unbelievably 2 faced and will often say one thing to me and another thing to my 2 sil. Luckily we share info so we know when she's up to no good. If you rang your mil and explained how much you and dh were looking forward to a rest and some time together blah blah and that you're sure she understands etc you might get a feel for how mil is really feeling.

TerrbileTwos · 08/12/2006 15:12

I'm with piglit on this one. i think the SIL is stirring it so that she doesn't get lumbered with them an extra couple of days. Stand yer ground and tell her they are very welcome to come but that your chrimbo will not be spoiled if they decided not to turn up either!!

DizzyBinterWonderland · 08/12/2006 15:13

i should add.. i do think it's mean of her if she doesn't get you a gift of some sort as a thank you for hosting christmas, but fine if that's not a christmas present IYSWIM. i would expect the same if they were staying with you any other time of the year.

Socci · 08/12/2006 15:36

Message withdrawn

ProfYaffle · 08/12/2006 15:41

4 hours for 2 nights is perfectly acceptable imo, I drive that distance to my parents for 1 or 2 nights on a regular basis and vice versa.

moondog · 08/12/2006 15:44

2 nights is enough.

They are being selfish.

My own parents wouldn't even stay with us for two nights for fear of imposing!

Stockingsofdinosaurs · 08/12/2006 15:47

I think 2 nights (which could easily mean 48hrs) being waited on hand and foot is plenty to recover from a 4hr journey there, no matter how old you are.
But might be worth saying you really won't be offended if they don't feel up to the driving (they may be trying to get out of visiting altogether) but you and DH want to have a real rest too over the holiday so it's up to them.

mousiemousie · 08/12/2006 16:00

It is fine for adults not to buy each other christmas presents, why exchange crap and waste money? Personally I would not have a problem with this. It would be good manners for PILs to contribute to christmas in some way though - eg they could make the christmas pud/ christmas cake / get the turkey/ whatever.

I also think a 4 hour car journey is a long and tiring drive for a lot of people, particularly if you are not used to it.

As for it being like running a hotel for you, I appreciate this too. It is reasonable to expect your parents and PILs to help out and muck in at christmas and I would expect them to want to - eg helping with cooking/ taking the kids out to the park, reading bedtime stories etc. I also think having both sets of grandparents to stay at the same time is quite a lot to manage, maybe you could alternate them between christmases?

Original poster

RuthT · 09/12/2006 07:59

It is interesting. I did get dh to call his m&d and say that we really wanted dd to spend timeon Christmas with her grandparents but would understand if they felt it was too far to go. We are really tired from work and as I work ft and so does dh we felt it was important to share some of Christmas as a small family. He also said he would appreciate it if they got a small gift as we did not want to embarrass my m&d who we would be buying pressies for and it would look a bit strange. He also explained that unlike lucky people who get to spend more time with thier dd when we are not at work we want to spend our time with dd and therefore Christmas break is even more special not to have me running around and missing out on a special time with dd.

Oh we also suggested they get a train if driving was too much - that would have meant 3 n ot 2 nights as there are no trains on Christmas.

Money def not an issue they are always going on holiday.

OP posts:

mousiemousie · 09/12/2006 13:42

Crumbs I hadn't realised you both work full time, no wonder you are tired and value the hols! Are you all feeling more relaxed about the whole prospect now that you have discussed it with the PILs?

mousie

Stockingsofdinosaurs · 09/12/2006 19:58

Well done, do you think he managed to say it politely and get the message through LOL? (Couldn't trust my dh's diplomatic skills!)

wickedwinterwitch · 09/12/2006 20:00

Bloody rude and what's wrong with 2 days anyway? My ils live 5 hours drive away and they still come for ONE night. Linking length of invitation to presents is vile. I'd uninvite them and have Christmas at home alone or with just your parents.

fizzbuzz · 10/12/2006 10:07

Why can't you go to them? Then they can wait on you for 4 days. Surely it is reasonable not to have to host Xmas 2 years in a row.

In my experience 18 month olds are much more exhausting than 6 month olds, it's about time someone ran round after you methinks

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