OK so I have managed to insult my Dad by trying to help my Mum!

[BudaBauble]

Parents!

Background: My Mum is a nervy, stressy, agitated, depressed type. Does nothing. Goes nowhere. Since he retired my Dad does all the shopping, cooking and a lot of cleaning etc.

We (DH, DS and I) are goign to stay with them for Xmas. When we went two years ago I spend ta morning cleaning the bedroom we were in and the bathroom as they hadn't been done - beds had been changed (by sisters), vacuming done my Dad but no dusting.

I have a cleaner and my Mum is always saying "oh send her over here". And last time I was home she was muttering about getting a regular cleaner. So I said that I would pay for a cleaning service to come in the week before Xmas to give the house a good clean if she wanted. Spoke to my other sister and she (in consultation with my Mum) arranged it for 2 days before we arrive. Mum very happy initially. Dad not but expected no less TBH.

Spoke to Mum today and she now doesn't know what to do as he is moaning so much. Spoke to other sister and she says he is feeling insulted - hasn't said it but that's what she thinks. He says Mum just needs to tell him what to do and he will do it. Which he would. But he would rant and rave that it had never been done before as he did it. AND - he does all the shopping and cooking anyway so has enough to do.

I suggested that other sis speak to him and "sell" it to him. Otherwise I will speak to him and it will be row - we are too alike!

Have suggested that he goes out to play golf and when he comes back it will all be done.

(In the past my Mum used to organise to get stuff done when he was at work or away - she once used him being in hospital with a broken ankle to get something done!!!). He likes to think he can do everything himself and is too proud to ask for or accept help with anything.

Aaargh! Adn sorry it is so long!

Off to wash DS's hair - back soon to see if anyone managed to read!

Thanks Calif! Looks lovely - may have a large glass of wine instead in real life!

hmm, is your dad miffed do you think because you have arranged this for just before your stay? Does it say to him "That place is so filthy that I won't even stay there till professional cleaners have been in!". Could this be it or am I on the wrong track totally? Maybe you could ask him when he'd like them to come?

If he wouldn't like them to come at all then bugger him, say it's a pressie for your mum and he'll have to lump it.

Those were my thoughts to sunnyside up. He is also probably pretty embarrased.

He does't like anyone in the house doing anything TBH. Hates paying for anything if he can do it himself. Was fine when he was younger - he single-handedly installed central heating, built kitchen extension etc. But he is older now and hasn't the energy.

They have just had a new fireplace put in and even after teh guy in the shop explicitly told him not to remove the existing fireplace he did it anyway!

Mum picked the day the cleaners come. The whole idea was partly so I wouldn't have to do it when i get there or my sisters have to do it (they have houses of their own to clean after all). Also Dad does all the shopping, cooking, putting up tree etc.

And I know they are not used to having things like that done for them - far from cleaners they were brought up! (Me too but I have acclimatised!!).

Update if anyone is interested - spoke to Mum at weekend and she seemed upset by whole thing. So let her think about it and it was cancelled yesterday.

My sister better keep her promise of helping clean - will NOT be happy to have to do it when I get there!

Sympathies from me - I always have to brace myself staying at my parents house. My mother has never been that interested in housework (used to use the fact that she had lots of kids as an excuse when we were younger - but it's got no better since we all left home). Half the problem is because things like the bathroom suite are so old it's harder to clean. The amount of clutter doesn't help either... makes it hard to help out with cooking, etc as there is literally no clear worktop space in the kitchen. I tend to do sneaky bits of cleaning when she is out or in another room - can't imagine them ever agreeing to a cleaner...

I do sympathise.. my parents were exactly like this. They weren't capable of doing it themselves (too old) but wouldn't let you get help and even went mad when I would try to do it myself.
I used to try and sit my Mum in the lounge with a cup of tea and 'sneak' and do a little bit here and there.
Basically, the place got more and more grubby until I hated going down there and cooking for them. They just couldn't sort of see the mess and dirt?!
Your Mum and Dad feel threatened by a cleaner. It is an admission that they are getting too old to cope, tbh. I would push for them to have it, to set the ground rules for the future because, in time, they might need one on a more regular basis.
It is a like a battle of wills... treading a fine path not to upset them, but OTOH looking after their best interests. Good luck !

Don't know how old your parents are BB but maybe something you could think of for the future is to suggest they get a cleaner to do the "heavy" chores - maybe even someone to just come in once a month to give the kitchen and bathroom a really good clean - would make it easier to stay on top of it then.

I agree with the others, I would keep on at them if you can bear it.

My gps were like this couldn't bear anyone else in and my uncle who lives with them is practically blind so can't see dirt although does cooking and everything else for them.
My mum & my aunt go over to visit and spend most of the time cleaning, not so bad now they are retired but not pleasant for them, whereas relatives who live near by do sod all.

House is now basically so filthy that I won't eat or drink anything while I'm there. They live across the water so only visit once a year so its no biggie for me or for them but its annoying that it has got to this stage.

Maybe you could speak to them again at Christmas explain what you have done here that your father works hard round the house and you want to help out.

good luck

House isn't filthy but could do with a good clean. My Dad does a lot.

They are both late 60s - Dad v. active - lots of golf etc. Mum less so.

Will just wait and see if sis helps out as she promised.