DH's family :(

[DisappointedOne]

So DH is one of several brothers. DD (age 4) is the eldest of 6 cousins on that side (none on my side). The others all live at the other end of the country. To say they don't bother with us is an understatement. We go up there whenever we can (5-6 times a year on average) but nobody makes any effort to contact or visit us. That's usually not much of a problem. DH was up there the whole of last week. Not one of the sets of aunts, uncles and cousins has sent a card or gift for DD, or even text or messaged to wish her a happy xmas.

Luckily she isn't really bothered with xmas, so hadn't asked, but I think she may in future. Facebook is full of pics of the present mountains her aunts and uncles have bought for their kids. I'm swaying between gutted for DD and absolutely furious. I don't feel inclined to do anything for any of them in future. I feel like screaming.

WWYD in this situation?

Best to emotionally detach yourself a little. Let your DH worry about the trips and the present-buying (or not).

It doesn't sound like it's part of his family's culture to buy presents. It's very difficult when it's clearly part of yours. It's very disappointing, but you can't fight that - just stop buying for them. If they surprise you with a gift for anyone in the house, be very, very effusive in your thanks (I know exactly where you're coming from in terms of kinda setting the rules upfront. It isn't about the mercenary aspect, more about expectations). It does sound like there are too many for it to be anything other than a chore after quite a short while: I get for two of DDs cousins and that can be hard enough now they're all heading for teens. AcrossthePond's idea of drawing one name sounds like a nice one to me.

I think though (if I'm reading right) your problem is more a sense of your family being ignored. We have a bit of that in DH's family, in that they won't ever come to us - we have to go to them, though the present-giving is very good (however, I did ask for a set limit as financials haven't been great for a while. I don't think they were too impressed, but I wanted to make sure they weren't disappointed by what we got them). During the year, we don't contact each other at all: 6 of one, half-dozen of the other, I suppose. That said, I never know why we are always the ones to make any first move. DS throws parties, to which she invites everyone except us, which is annoying - it would be nice to have the option to consider. I have rather reached the point with them of being grateful they don't visit, in a way, as I doubt we'd still be speaking to each other by the end of it anyway! Make the effort to speak on the phone/Skype more often this year and see what that does - perhaps it is simply a relationship development issue.

I'd happily buy no gifts for anyone, if that were the agreement. I don't want to be buying things for the sake of it. And it's not that they don't buy presents - they do, just not for DD it seems. That's what I'm struggling to understand.

But hey, it's a new year, perfect time to change the pattern. :)