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Christmas

From present ideas to party food, find all your Christmas inspiration here.

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Original poster

Stingy present buyers!

46 replies

IcicleTree · 17/12/2014 14:16

The short of it is, I have a friend who always spends the total minimum on my child. I asked her for ideas of what to buy her children (she has 2) and she gave me a few suggestions, all costing around £10-12. Just received ours from her and she has spent about £3-4 at the most on mine (and I only have one child).

This has been going on at every Christmas and birthday now for years, since we both had our children. I have already stopped buying birthday gifts for her, but want to stop buying for the kids too.

I know it's the thought that's supposed to count, but I just feel resentful. She cries poverty, but I don't think they are any worse off than us, they have holidays abroad, lots of family days out, and I know their main priority is paying off their mortgage early. I can't help feeling they are just stingy with presents in order that they can afford to spend more on their own priorites.

Thing is, I'm also one of the kids 'godparents' which makes me feel obliged.

Actually, I've already decided not buying anymore, but how do I do it? Do I just stop? Or do I warn her? Don't want to fall out as like her as a friend.

OP posts:

mameulah · 17/12/2014 21:32

If it makes you feel any better I have a policy of only giving to people who acknowledge what I gave and thank me. I used to spend a fortune on a relatives kids and they didnt EVER even mention that they had received anything, never mind thank me. So now I dont even bother!

Original poster

IcicleTree · 17/12/2014 21:32

I had a little peek under the wrapping was curious as her stingy prezzies have become somewhat of a joke in our house. Dc doesn't know this though! She even gave her the same exact present two years in a row once- both went in the bin as were so cheap weren't even fit for their purpose.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 17/12/2014 21:33

As you don't live near each other can you not suggest meeting up and doing something together in lieu of gifts?

Or invite them for the weekend and then do a treat where you pay for your own dc?

evelynj · 17/12/2014 21:36

I'm sorry but you don't necessarily know what the family is going through. Send £5 in the post-it's a token gesture. You shouldn't be trying to undercut each other but I firmly believe you signed up For duty as a godparent & should show openly through the child's life that you are thinking of them. Birthdays & Christmas are key times for this. Forget about the mother. Do as much or little as you want for the children, just make an effort-even if it's taking some special homemade gifts-all the better :)

meandjulio · 17/12/2014 21:37

I have to say that my godparents have been amazingly generous to me all my life and it has meant a lot. I don't expect anything back from my godson's parents to my ds.

What about buying a national savings Children's Bond for her, not now but perhaps around her birthday - maybe £50 or £100 if you could stretch to that? - and tucking it away, and giving it to her on her 18th birthday? Interest rates are rubbish but it would be something to show that you'd thought of her and I bet she'd appreciate it at the time.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 17/12/2014 21:43

You're the child's godmother so should continue to buy for the child IMO, even if she didn't buy anything at all for your DCs, that's part of what you sign up for when you become a godparent.

Original poster

IcicleTree · 17/12/2014 21:47

You see, if i didn't have my own dc then I wouldn't think twice about giving the kids nice gifts and not expecting anything in return. However, since I do, and as I buy for both her kids, despite only being 'godparent' to one (this isn't a proper godparent thing as they just had a 'naming ceromony' thing at home, not in church), then I feel that as a friend she might buy my dc something nice anyway. This has been going on forever (oldest child is 11) so not something family recently going through.

OP posts:

squiggleirl · 17/12/2014 23:16

You're either the child's godparent or not. And that's not in name, it's in how you behave in that role. If you accept the role, you don't get to back out of it because you are annoyed that you spend £40 more on gifts than she does.

Choose what you spend, be that 50p or £50, but don't place a child in the middle of it where you suddenly stop buying gifts for them because of what their mother does.

YvesJutteau · 17/12/2014 23:57

You ought to buy for your godchild, but not with any expectation of getting a gift back for yours. There's not really any need to buy for the others (we only buy for friends' children where there's a godparent or quasi-godparent relationship, and similarly our DCs only receive from their godparents and not from our other friends).

JubJubBirds · 18/12/2014 07:27

If you agreed to be a godparent than you chose to be a godparent, whatever kind of ceremony they had. It really isn't that hard to find token gifts for a couple of pounds - you can even search Amazon for gifts under £3 by age, and lots of things will be able to be posted as a large letter or small parcel. Or you could even resort to sweets/chocolate!

She sounds a pain as she asked for suggestions and then ignored them, but your issue is with her not her DC. Giving your godchild something little to open is much better than giving them nothing, IMO.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 18/12/2014 09:46

I 'had a naming ceremony at home' and would be extremely upset if any of my child's Supporting Adults felt that it wasn't a 'proper' role.

YoullLikeItNotaLot · 18/12/2014 09:59

I have to say OP, I buy for my nieces and I think about what they would like despite the fact that my sons rarely get so much as a card from their parents. They're my nieces and I'm not going to punish them for what their parents don't do.

However I don't routinely buy for my friends' children.

I think you either need to diassociate what your children get in return and give because you want to or stop buying. This reducing spiral is just not worth it.

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 18/12/2014 10:09

Look its your fault you have been buying nicer presents no one has forced you too. you asked you got told, you brought, no one has forced you to do this, if you had adopted her strategy from the start you may not feel as bad.

This is not her fault, she is responsible for her own actions this is your fault.

do you like your god child? if not stop buying. send something really small, then simply tail off.

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 18/12/2014 10:10

I always said to my dc godparents I dont want them to feel obliged into a lifetime of buying, when they have given odd gift i have thanked profusly and said please dont feel obliged.

mrsfarquhar · 18/12/2014 10:39

This gets more unpleasant. Assessing gifts for worth, being too cowardly to say you'd prefer not to do gifts instead keep reducing down to things you feel are of less value, feeling your role as a god parent isn't 'proper' and ignoring the fact that that particular relationship is with the child not the parent and then sneaking a look at gifts to see what they are as this person's 'stingy' gifts are deemed a joke.

I would take a look at your own actions, it comes across as very immature. The point of a gift is that it is given, end of. Whether to give or not is your choice.

We are comfortably off but I stopped buying friends' children gifts as Christmas was still getting too costly. Do you think your friend shouldn't have a holiday, should have nice things, simply so she can spend more on gifts?! I also didn't want the never ending piles of stuff in the house. I told friends that was what I was doing and was mostly met with relief.

Heels99 · 18/12/2014 10:41

But 'supporting adult' just means parents friend it comes with no designated responsibilities or commitments despite the fact that the adults you chose were no doubt delighted to be asked and to be involved in your children's lives on an ongoing basis.
Godparent is a religious commitment it doesn't mean compulsory gift buying. I would just say to your friend early enough next year, now the children are getting older shall we knock the presents on the head? Perhaps meet up and do something nice together instead. If you want something godparent related perhaps go to a christingle service or something together?

MissLurkalot · 18/12/2014 10:45

I was thinking initially just agree to stop buying presents for each other's kids.

But then, I think of the godparent thing... I think it would be a shame if you as a godparent suddenly stopped buying presents for your godchild because the present your children get in exchange are a bit pants.

I think you're committed. And I think you get a nice present for your godchild and a smaller token present for the sibling.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 18/12/2014 10:53

I buy presents for people because I enjoy giving gifts to people I care for. I spend what I can afford. If I get a gift back from the other person, I am grateful, but I don't start assessing the relative monetary values of the gifts - and if I don't get a gift in return, it doesn't bother me - I am just happy that I have brought a bit of pleasure to someone I like.

To me, this is the best way to be, about present giving - I would hate to be checking my gifts' cost against the recipients' gifts costs, and getting stressed if I had spent more, or if I felt they hadn't given a good enough gift - I don't need that sort of stress in my life!

The bottom line is that you can't control what others choose to do - but you can decide whether or not to get upset about their behaviour. And getting stressed and annoyed about something doesn't generally have any effect whatsoever on the other person - it just affects you, so you are harming yourself, not the person you are angry with. Is that really a good way to live life?

erin99 · 18/12/2014 11:04

Stop asking what they want. Carry on spending £10ish on your godchild (voucher from age 10, perhaps) and get a £3-4 gift for the other child. Mentally tick it off and move on.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 18/12/2014 11:20

Well not exactly heels we believe it is the same level of responsibility as a godparent, just without the god bit. Guide-parents is another word for it. It's not just pals that show up every now and then, and I assumed as the OP referred to herself as a godparent (which to be fair my DS's supporting adults do too) she felt the same way about it.

Heels99 · 18/12/2014 12:58

God parent is a purely religious commitment. Guide parent is a secular equivalent. You can of course call your friends anything you want and ask them to guide your children through life, it's a nice thing to ask of someone and a lovely thing for them to do, like an aunt or uncle. It depends on how you define a 'proper' role! It's a pleasant thing to do but there is no official or legal status conferred on either godparent or guide parent, purchasing gifts and being a support through the children's lives is what it is. Both of which can be done without a 'title.'
There is no level of responsibility attached to either role.

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