How to make Christmas work with 3 sets of grandparents

[MATB1]

My parents are divorced and both remarried then there's PIL. All live close by.

We have two small DDs.

Christmas is always really difficult to sort. We tend to upset someone every year and either have three or four "Christmas Days" between 24-29 Dec, or do loads of running around on Christmas Day and/or Boxing Day.

Last year we had all the parents come to us but it was too much for DD1 being the only kid amongst a gaggle of competitive enthusiastic grandparents. DM was also fairly rude about the whole day afterwards (but that's another thread) so I'm not massively keen to repeat that experience.

All of them say they'll go with whatever we decide but that just feels like the whole thing is down to us to decide and plan.

It feels impossible to be honest.

Does anyone else have this palaver? How do you manage it???? Help!

you are lucky in a way, our kids have 1 grandparent remaining who is 80 ish. We have tried going to her or her coming here but we think she would find 2 very excited kids overwhelming for the whole Xmas experience. So we are going to see her just before Xmas to do what will be the big Xmas meal for all of us, probably gammon and trimmings. And 1 or 2 pressies for the kids to open. We also think we can fit in a visit to an afternoon service at a local cathedral for a kids' service. We will be staying in a local youth hostel which is a converted castle, I think our 6 y old will love it.

Then we come home Xmas eve to the Christingle service at our own church, our own beds and a probably slightly smaller Xmas meal, possibly stuffed shoulder of pork as that is actually our children's fave roast, but still thinking about it. And of course a huge confusion of wrapping paper and Lego etc. MIL will I think actually prefer having a quiet day not being forced to watch Dr Who etc.

Sounds as though the nub of the problem is the guilt-tripping and lack of grace on the part of your mother. No specific advice on that except don't reward unkind or unreasonable behaviour by giving her more. It's never a good idea in the long run.

I know you're right but still grappling with this concept myself think that's a big part of it monstrous. Thank you for telling me I don't need to please her.

Can you have pil and DH family for xmas day instead? If DH doesn't want to host your mother then he really shouldn't have to! Then see your mother and your father on Boxing Day? Or one on Boxing Day one on 27th? Then alternate that around the year after?

I think that for being so rude last Christmas your DM has effectively excluded herself from your celebrations, so she will have to put up or shut up with what you decide to do. Don't be bullied into spending more than one day with her, saying there are others who you have arranged to see as well. Make your plans, and fit other family members in around them.

What about your siblings, could you have them round to yours at some point without any of your parents?

Even if you do see people before Christmas, they could hand their presents for the DC over to you secretly so that they can be opened on Christmas morning. They don't have to give them directly to the DC and watch them being opened.

I think it does generally depend on the other peoples plans (ie whether they will be on their own) so I can see why you are torn. We do my DH's Dad (+wife and kids) on Xmas morning, then we cook dinner at ours with DH's mum and brother, then we see my massive family on Boxing day and prob the day after. My mum and family are min an hr drive away so we don't get to see them as often as every week so they get more days normally. This year we are having more of my family including my mum on Xmas day, but MIL will still be coming, luckily they all get on well. I'm excited about this because we haven't spent Christmas day with my family since 2007 since DH's little brothers birthday is on Xmas day and we didn't want to miss that!

All so complicated!
I think you would be best splitting them up onto 3 seperate days, whether that is from Xmas day onwards, or Boxing day onwards. As much as they might complain, I think it would be more enjoyable for everyone, and less stress!

If you make your decision now and let people know that you will be spending Christmas day at home just your nuclear family, they have time to sort themselves out. They are all able to do this for themselves without expecting you to do it for them. You hosted last year and it wasn't a success, if anyone sulks that's just tough.

It is probably to your advantage to see people at their homes or out, because it is easier for you to leave when you choose, rather than waiting for guests at your home to leave.