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Christmas

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How to avoid our presents being given as Santa's

61 replies

squiggleirl · 04/11/2014 13:31

A bit of background - I really don't like DHs sister. TBH, he's not fond of her either.

She and her husband don't have great jobs. They do like acting like people who do. They frequently buy designer clothes, smoke and drink a lot. As soon as their kids need something though, they put on the poor mouth, and ILs step in to make sure the kids whatever they need. Truth is, it's well known that they'll look after themselves as they know if the kids need something, DHs parents won't see them go without, and it'll be got for the kids.

We've long-suspected that ILs have bought the kids presents from Santa every year. The kids get huge piles of very expensive presents each year that realistically, and based on how they present their impoverished state all year, they just can't afford. That's all fine if that's what ILs are prepared to do, it's their decision.

A few years ago DH said SIL had said something to him, and then back-tracked quickly. They didn't live near us at the time, and DH was talking to her about sending presents for Christmas. He said that they'd be wrapped but he'd send her a mail so she'd know what we'd got in advance, so nobody doubled up on presents. She said not to bother wrapping them, and they'd put them under the tree, and that it didn't matter who the presents were from anyway, so long as the kids liked them. It just sowed this little seed of doubt with us as to what would happen with presents, and would the kids be told 'These are from XXX'.

We were visiting ILs recently and SIL and her family were there. DN1 is a lovely kid, and I was chatting to him. He was telling me about a present he got from Santa last year. His Mum was near him, and said 'Yeah, that was a great present Santa got you. You love it.'

Thing is Santa didn't get the present. We did. I saw it really early last year, and thought he'd love it. I picked it up, and told MIL so again there'd be no doubling up. She even told me that she'd passed the message on that we'd picked it up for him. It's not like it was even something SIL thought he'd really like and had wanted to get him.

I did nothing to correct DN1 about who the pressie was from. He's at the age where he may or may not still believe, and I didn't want to rock the boat on that one. Also, whatever happened isn't anything to do with him, and it's not fair to have a good kid caught up in the middle of anything.

So here's my question - how do I make sure DNs get their presents from us as being from us? It's not about getting the credit for gifts, but I also don't want them thinking we get them nothing, or that we get them whatever SIL is telling them is from us. I already have DN1s present. It's one big box. I have nothing for DN2 yet. What usually happens is that we all meet before Christmas. Presents are handed over between parents (i.e. we'd be given a bag with presents for our kids in it). The idea is that we hide the presents at home and then put them under the tree on Christmas Eve. I'm just concerned there's been a bit of relabelling in the meantime, and am wondering if there's any way of avoiding this. I'm thinking that maybe we should just hand the presents directly to the kids, but need to make sure SIL doesn't step in and whisk them away before they see them.

So, I'm wondering if anybody has any advice as to what we could do? Thanks!

OP posts:
theposterformallyknownas · 04/11/2014 18:11

I would give the dc your present when you see them, or put a note inside.
People may have thought this about us though when dc were little because all presents came from FC because I didn't want the playground banter of my mum got me this or my dad bought me the other.
In our house they were all FCs presents.

Floggingmolly · 04/11/2014 18:41

You passed off other people's gifts to your dc as having come from Father Christmas to avoid playground banter, the poster??? What does that even mean? Confused
Whatever it means, you can rest assured that yes, people will have been thinking about you what everyone on this thread is thinking about op's stingy SIL.

goldenlilliesdaffodillies · 04/11/2014 18:43

I would get something personalised like a mug or snow globe or something from somewere like PhotoBox which is inscribed. Put to 'Dear Children Happy Christmas love squiggel'.

MrsCakesPrecognition · 04/11/2014 18:45

In our family, it is traditional to write the date and a short message on the flyleaf when giving people books. You could do the same, so the book will always say - "To DN, With love and best wishes for the New Year, from squiggleirl (Christmas 2014)"

W0rldCrashing · 04/11/2014 18:57

Make your own wrapping paper this year. Brown paper that your dc have stamped/drawn on. (Honestly, it can look good). Then it'll stand out and your dn will know it's from you if they see you hand it to their parents...?

DaffodilField · 04/11/2014 19:09

You could give a personalised voucher as a present - 'this voucher can be redeemed for a day out with us someone over the next year'

Are they broke? Maybe they couldn't afford to buy Xmas presents themselves?

squiggleirl · 04/11/2014 21:26

I don't get that theposter. Does it not then just turn into just Santa gave me this, or Santa got you that? Plus, how awful for everybody else who thought enough of your kids to give them a present, only for it never to be known by the child.

Fuzzpig that's just awful. How could someone do that?

The big problem I have with all of this is the second guessing, and trying to think about what could be done sneakily.

They don't have loads of money, but they do have this sense of entitlement, and are just grabby. They spend money on themselves, because somebody (usually PILs) bail them out when it comes to the kids. And they also watch the whole time. My ILs have given out to them over watching us an our kids. PIL can't say anything good about our kids without SIL turning it into talking about how great her kids are. My ILs can't do anything for our kids without SIL demanding her kids be part of it, or that something bigger, better, more extravagant be done for hers. It's draining for everyone, but ILs will never do anything to stop it, or at least stop buying into it all.

OP posts:
girlywhirly · 05/11/2014 10:32

I guess DH doesn't get favoured as much as SIL by their parents from what you've said. It sounds as though they've made a rod for their own backs by never refusing her anything and it will fracture the family eventually, at some point someone will want to do something that doesn't include SIL if it's so draining and there will be a row.

Do any other relatives realise that SIL just removes labels and says all the gifts are from Santa, would they not be put out about it? Especially when they get no thanks?

Will you see the DN'S before the family get together? I was thinking that you could raise the subject of Santa, and how different families believe different stories about him. Some think (like their Mum) that Santa brings all the presents. But if he does that why do people go Christmas shopping to buy gifts? Some think that the gifts are bought to give to others, and Santa just delivers them. They have labels on them to say who they are for, and who they are from, so that you can thank them. Some people just believe that stockings are only from Santa. They know that presents can be given in person, or delivered by post or a van. There are many permutations of these. The point is, you are not saying to the DN'S that Santa doesn't exist, you are just saying that there are different versions of belief. Then you can say what your family's belief is, and if a present is from Nana and Grandad, your DC thank them for it, not Santa. The eldest DN may start to question SIL'S belief eventually.

I think the only thing you can do is hand the gifts directly to the DN'S just before Christmas so that they know who they are from, and you could go so far as to let them open them if you won't be there on Christmas day. Everyone knows if you go to a grotto you get a present and can open it before Christmas, so why not yours? Then watch SIL to see whether she rushes to find your DC's gifts.

capsium · 05/11/2014 10:39

My side of the family says everything comes from Santa, DH's only had some gifts from Santa. My DC has never liked the idea of Santa so when small we had to explain he did not have to visit and people swap presents too.

My DB's children love Santa and all their presents come from him. I once said I'd had a special word with Santa and said they would like a certain present. I'd never let the cat out of the bag about Santa, it is not my place to do so.

Picturesinthefirelight · 05/11/2014 10:42

I would definatly put some kind if note or personal message inside the present.

When I was a child me & my brother believed that Santa delivered the presents (the year he left me a note written on a piece of cardboard I was ecstatic!)

My children when they were younger believed that Santa gave the stocking & delivered the presents from other people but he had the power to veto them & give them to someone else instead if they wernt good!!!

Letthemtalk · 05/11/2014 10:48

Santa brings all the presents in our house, but he brings special presents which people ask him to on their behalf. So last year granny asked Santa to bring dd1 a scooter, and he did!! And dd1 was very grateful to granny for asking him.

Letthemtalk · 05/11/2014 10:49

Oh, and don't dare do what girlywhirly suggests! It's not your place to discuss Santa with someone e else's child!!

peggyundercrackers · 05/11/2014 11:20

when I gave my nieces/nephews presents when they were little I would say they were from santa - I wouldn't use my own name. what I wanted wasn't particularly important - Christmas is about the kids and the experience around it for them - its not a competition about who gives what...

girlywhirly · 05/11/2014 11:31

It depends what you say and how you say it. Telling the DC that their mum is wrong about Santa and presents would be out of the question. Talking in general terms about a subject and other people's beliefs is no different to what happens in school.

Lets not forget that the parent in question is spending her own parent's money that she scrounged from them to fund 'Santa's' Christmas gifts, so that she can spend her own money on herself. I hope her kids never find that out.

Floggingmolly · 05/11/2014 14:15

How is giving a child a present at Christmas time letting the cat out of the bag about Santa???? Some of you have quite childlike thought processes yourselves...

woollytights · 05/11/2014 14:24

I actually agree with peggyundercrackers and I'm actually really surprised at some of the responses you've had here.

capsium · 05/11/2014 14:33

Flogging Never said it was. But depending on how you say Christmas presents were actually from you, it could be IYSWIM. If the child already believed Santa get everyone, all the presents at Christmas, as I didi when I was a small child, it could cause problems.

By the way my DC never has never liked Santa, did not want him to visit, so I don't have a 'childlike' thing in particular about Santa. Just thinking of how best to deal with the problem, as explained by the OP.

OwlCapone · 05/11/2014 16:00

Does it really matter?

OwlCapone · 05/11/2014 16:02

I think my presents to my niece and nephew were put in with Santa presents but it didn't bother me. Possibly because I like my SIL!!

5madthings · 05/11/2014 16:12

In our house stockings are from father Christmas and he delivers all the presents but they madthings know they are from gma, aunty etc.

Your sil and her husband sound a piece of work.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 05/11/2014 16:21

Really distinctive wrapping paper/decorations on the gift and hand them over personally to the DN's.

squiggleirl · 05/11/2014 18:16

I agree it's not a competition about who gives what. I buy DNs presents I think they'll like. I don't think about what their parents will or won't get my kids when I'm picking them. But it does annoy me that the same woman who wants credit for buying presents for my kids that she never actually had anything to do with, gives our presents as being from Santa. Her kids are old enough to understand fully if somebody has got them a present or not. One of them is at the point of maybe not believing any more, so they are well aware of receiving presents form various people.

Not everything they receive is given as from Santa.

OP posts:
MokunMokun · 06/11/2014 03:43

Just call the children up and ask them if they liked their XXX present last year and you were thinking of getting them XXX this year, would they like that?

If they say but Santa got me XXX last year. Just say that actually you bought it but Santa was very kind and delivered it for you but you will give it to them directly this year.

I think it is important for children to thank people for presents. I don't give to be thanked but i would find it very odd if I found out some presents I gave someone were being attributed to someone else, even if that person doesn't actually exist.

OwlCapone · 06/11/2014 07:02

If they say but Santa got me XXX last year. Just say that actually you bought it but Santa was very kind and delivered it for you but you will give it to them directly this year.

I think it would incredibly mean to put this onto the children. If there really is a problem beyond the OP not liking her SIL, speak to the Adult who is making the problem.

Although I think it does then make it seem that soemthing is required beyond simply knowing the child loved it.

jamtoast12 · 06/11/2014 07:06

Hand it personally.id be furious tbh if that happened to me. I'm afraid I'd just think the parents were tight. It's not your job to fill the Santa pile.

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