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Original poster

Christmas in laws.

23 replies

AlphaBravoHenryFoxtons · 20/10/2014 14:02

Every year I raise the possibility of not having my OH's side of the family on Christmas day. But my husband feels a sense of duty. So we've never not had his mother, brother, brother's wife and their children on Christmas day. Every single Christmas since our first child was born. His mother I can understand but his brother? (His brother feels no such duty to him. Wink) And they don't contribute financially nor do they help practically in any way whatsoever. (I know those things are possibly petty.)

In all fairness we have had my family some Christmases too, and he's very tolerant. But I don't expect him to have to endure them every Christmas.

How on earth do we resolve this without one or other of us feeling resentful?

OP posts:
NinjaPanda34 · 20/10/2014 14:05

We do it one year with his family, one year with mine. New year, just us. We do the turkey, but everyone else brings a dish, a pud and a drink (there are usually 14 of us). Maybe that could be a compromise?

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/10/2014 14:16

Perhaps suggest to OH that maybe BIL/SIL would like the opportunity to play host this year?

Or, what ages are your DC? How are the finances? Would a suggestion of going away (to somewhere snowy?) be doable? Or to a restaurant for the dinner, where your MIL's dinner is paid for by you/OH but BIL/SIL pay for their family?

Original poster
AlphaBravoHenryFoxtons · 20/10/2014 14:36

Ninja - Thanks. That's interesting.
WhereYouLeftIt Thanks. Age ranges of children are 21 down to 8. I don't want to go to BIL's or to a restaurant or even somewhere snowy. I just want to stay at home in my own house with my own children and do things to our own timetable. Sorry if that sounds petulant.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlphaBravoHenryFoxtons · 20/10/2014 14:38

PS finances are fine.

Older two children are from my previous marriage and I'm acutely aware that the inlaws aren't their relatives even. They are tolerant of them but I know they would prefer not to host them every Christmas day.

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WhereYouLeftIt · 20/10/2014 14:48

No, it doesn't sound petulant, just hearfelt! TBH I saw my suggestions as a way to 'break the mould' for this year - to stop your ILs from seeing going to your house as what-we-have-always-done-so-what-we-will-continue-to-do. And then it would be easier next year to do my house, my tiemtable. Smile

Original poster
AlphaBravoHenryFoxtons · 20/10/2014 15:08

WhereYouLeftIt - yes, I see. Smile I agree with you about having to break the habit. But it's galling that we have to do something we don't want to do this year in order to get to do as we please next year. I hate the idea of going out for Christmas lunch just to throw a googly.

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ThinkIveBeenHacked · 20/10/2014 15:10

He wants to host everyone? So I assume he does the big shop, the cooking, the drink pouring and the clearing up? If not, maybe insist that of he wants to host this year he can actually be the host.

AMouseLivedinaWindMill · 20/10/2014 15:10

Sorry if that sounds petulant.

It doesnt sound petulant at all and I think you need to say thats what you want to do , your a grown woman, say what you want and do it.

AMouseLivedinaWindMill · 20/10/2014 15:11

Just a big -

Heads up folks, this year we will be spending xmas alone just us, nothing personal at all, just fancied a change this year, wanted to tell you soon so you can all plan something else.

END OF

Original poster
AlphaBravoHenryFoxtons · 20/10/2014 15:24

AMouseLived I have said it. I say it every year. And I say it increasingly loudly and earlier and earlier in the year. He has very poor conflict resolution skills. He goes silent and refuses to talk about it.

ThinkIveBeenHacked - Well he is a very efficient and willing washer upper but he doesn't do the thinking, planning, shopping, cleaning, ironing of tablecloths and napkins, house dressing, cooking etc. Though he probably would if I asked him.

I should probably have put this in relationships as I realise it's more about his disregard for me than it is about Christmas.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 20/10/2014 15:35

Just tell him what the plan for this year is. Don't deviate.

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/10/2014 16:13

"I have said it. I say it every year. And I say it increasingly loudly and earlier and earlier in the year."
Do you say it to your DH or to your ILs? If to your ILs, how do they respond?

Kundry · 20/10/2014 16:50

If you made him do the shopping and cooking what would happen? Does he know that if he sulks enough you will cave in and do it anyway?

Original poster
AlphaBravoHenryFoxtons · 20/10/2014 16:53

Well of course I don't say it to my ILs. Grin

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WhereYouLeftIt · 20/10/2014 17:08

Well, maybe this year is the year you say it to them? Maybe suggest to BIL/SIL that they could invite MIL as you will be having a just-the-children Christmas this year? If he "has very poor conflict resolution skills" he'll find it difficult to backtrack Wink.

Basically, you need to change your approach. If you do the same thing as before, you'll get the same result.

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/10/2014 17:10

And yes, he may feel resentful; but it's probably his turn. I don't think it is possible for neither of you to feel resentful at Christmas.

SweetsForMySweet · 20/10/2014 17:11

We alternate every second year between families, we invite them either stephen's day or new years day for dinner at ours. I usually make a home made dessert to bring with us for Christmas Day.

Rather than having them over every year, would you go to their house instead or at least ask them to bring a course(one does starter, the other dessert) each and you do the main? It seems only fair instead of having the do everything. I would suggest rather than your dh's family coming every year, at least alternate with your family every second year or have one year at home alone and then a year with each family. It must cost a fortune and take a lot of effort, I'm not surprised your inlaws are only too happy to let you do all the work.

Iggi999 · 20/10/2014 17:20

Why on earth has the current arrangement been seen as fair? Doesn't bil ever want to be home with his own family? Are you seen as the ideal hosts in some way - richest, nicest house for entertaining?

AbbieHoffmansAfro · 20/10/2014 17:21

That's a good point, actually. It isn't possible for each of you to get what you want. You do have to take turns at being brassed off! The problem is that so often the default position is woman has to give way. And pretend to like it. And still do all the work.

In your place I would be tempted to tell your DH you won't host the in-laws and will be telling them so yourself so he doesn't procrastinate until Christmas Eve and than expect you to host them after all. And I then would tell them.

zipzap · 20/10/2014 18:33

Could you say that this year, you're inviting the PIL to dinner on New Years Day/Boxing Day/Easter Day/random other day of your choice instead of Christmas Day, and that this year, for the FIRST TIME IN A GAZILLION YEARS, it's going to be your choice for a change. He's had his choice all these years, this time, it's your turn.

Make sure you speak to BIL to say that you are not having the IL this year so that they can ask them if they want to - the onus is on them this year, not you, so your DH can't complain. And speak to PIL about it so they don't turn around and accept an invitation if it comes from your dh deciding to take matters into his own hands.

Good luck - I know what it feels like - and I've rarely had to host IL at Christmas, but always had a command presence at MIL's birthday celebrations just before Christmas, which meant that I got to miss out on my family traditions on that day, because her birthday always had to trump everything so that she didn't feel that she was missing out on her birthday because it was so close to christmas (or just because the rest of the family were going to be there and it was the only time dh would see them over the holidays - net result was always the same for me though).

Yama · 20/10/2014 18:39

I think you need to learn to stand up for yourself. There is no way I would host people every year unless I was happy to do so.

Original poster
AlphaBravoHenryFoxtons · 20/10/2014 20:05

Yama I'm not sappy.

OP posts:
AcheyJakey · 20/10/2014 22:56

We put our foot down and said in august what we were doing. It seems to have worked!!!

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