Planning Christmas (and my 50th birthday) when MIL is terminally ill.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

That's it, really - mil is terminally ill with cancer, and is going downhill fast - she's in her local,hospice now, and we have been told she will be bed-bound for the rest of her life - and the staff have implied very clearly that this is not far off. My sense is that she is unlikely to be here at Christmas.

My birthday is in mid-December, and as it is my 50th, I want to have a party, and I also want to start planning Christmas, but I am struggling to know what is best.

I could plan my party, but tell everyone that if MIL passes away, it may be cancelled at short notice, or I could postpone it to the new year - but if she does live past Christmas and New Year, I could end up having to postpone again.

And do I plan Christmas here (we are in Scotland, and MIL and BIL are in the south of England), on the basis of a quiet Christmas if MIL has passed away, or do we plan to go down there and stay in a hotel, hoping that she will still be with us, and cancel that if she isn't. If she has passed on, dh and I are going to ask BIL to come up to us - otherwise he'd be all alone.

Should I ask MIL what she wants/thinks? She might not want the boys to come and see her at Christmas and might want them to have as normal a Christmas as possible, but that would leave BIL and MIL to do Christmas alone - and she isn't eating much now, and that isn't going to get better, and it would feel so wrong to leave BIL to cope with that on his own.

Dh can't think about this right now - at the moment, between work (he is dashing down to London for meetings two or three times a week) and trying to fit in visits to his mum - and he just can't think that far ahead. I want to do the best for all concerned, but if have no idea what that is.

Sorry to dump this all on you, but I know the wonderful vipers of MN will have some sane and sage advice.

I would start by asking her. I know it's hard and you have things to plan, but if she's in a hospice now then I doubt she has long left, so I would concentrate on her for the time being.

Sounds really hard. Is there any real need to plan anything now? Can you wait a few weeks before making any decisions about Christmas?

Why don't you plan to celebrate your birthday properly sometime early next year... in mid-December your MIL will either be still dying or recently dead, and in either case you're unlikely to have much head space or enthusiasm for holding a massive party.

I would go with a Plan A and a Plan B depending on the events. Plan A being that she is with you for christmas, and Plan B that she is not.

Firstly in relation to Christmas, work out what are the different things you will need should it be A or B. I would think the only big change would be food and the hotel booking. I'd therefore, book a christmas food delivery slot which you can obviously cancel last minute and I'd also book a hotel which again you can cancel last minute.

I'd also talk to BIL and discuss with him that should it be plan A you will around at that time and then he can start thinking maybe how the time will be spent/what he needs you to do. Also he will then be aware that if she does unfortunately pass away pre-christmas that he will need to get to yours.

I also think funeral plans and what would happen in the event MIL does pass on should be discussed now. Around christmas can be a really hectic time and it would be good if you were all on the same page.

I'm not sure what I would do about the party because yes if you plan it for a Saturday and then she passes on the Thursday or Friday you will most probably want to cancel it, but the other part of me says if it happens say a week or 10 days before the party is planned it might be a good way to move on (although I say that as someone who isn't into long periods of grief-it's just not how I am).

Could you consider doing something special as a family on your actual birthday and then maybe a joint birthday and NYE party, or has your DH got a big birthday coming up that you could jointly celebrate?

Also if it does seem unlikely MIL will make it to christmas then could you have a last christmas with her now?

Personally I wouldn't consult her about Christmas, because she might be upset at the thought of not being with you, or feel that she has to "hang on" until then. Could you think in terms of doing Christmas whilst based at MIL/BILs house (including spending time with MIL at the hospice)? This plan could be revised to take place at your home with BIL invited, if MIL has already died by then.

Either way, I'm in agreement with Irene about your birthday - in the new year you'll be glad of something to celebrate, I'm sure.

I think the advice to wait a few weeks is good. I know I am trying to get back a bit of control, in a situation where we have little or none, but that could actually be putting more stress on myself.

Wise, wonderful MNers!

Dh is going to have a talk with MIL's nurses and see what their advice is.

I'd suggest you ask the doctors in the hospice about this. For an in-patient in the hospice Christmas is a very long way away. It seems the staff have hinted to you that time is short - if I was seeing you I would be able to give a pretty clear idea if you should be planning for Christmas or not.

I don't want to upset you (or out myself) but although there are some reasons that a hospice patient may be bedbound and still be likely to survive Christmas, more usually this would mean that time is very short.

Please feel free to PM me - am happy to be clearer and identify myself in a PM.

Thank-you Kundry.

Well - according to MIL, she is going to take BIL to the Lake District for Christmas. I can't see any chance that she will be well enough - she can't walk across the room at the moment, and isn't getting any better - but I don't want to burst her bubble - I think she needs something to hold onto.

She sounds feisty

No advice on how to handle the situation but just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you and your family

I would take each week as it comes and make the most of it. December is a long way off

DH and I lost 3 parents in quick succession to short illnesses and found it the only way.

oh - and take care of each other.

Good advice, thank you both.

OP I really feel for you as my DM died in March 1999 but we were told it was unlikely that she would make it to Christmas. From that diagnosis in November (although it was pretty obvious that it was looking bad from long before then) life was pretty awful, just in limbo really. We had Christmas together which was great but obviously very subdued.

mamapain I do wonder at the ability to be able to 'move on' after 10 days though . We were all so very down for months afterwards, cancelled holidays etc. Cannot imagine feeling like partying at a time like that. Could you plan a spring party OP and go for a meal with close family and friends on the actual day so that it is very flexible depending on what happens.

to you and your family at a hard time.