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Original poster

The "Chrismas dinner" conversation

43 replies

MrsLindor · 05/10/2014 09:51

Wish me luck, I'm telling MIL today we're having Christmas dinner at home this year, DH is working do were going to eat in the evening.

I've tried to have a quiet Christmas at home before and its never worked, due to family illnesses and other complications, i end up rolling over for a quiet life.

This year I'm getting in first, DD and DH are on message so it's happening.

Hopefully.

OP posts:
dimsum123 · 05/10/2014 21:15

Feel the fear but do it anyway. Motto for this thread.

Original poster
MrsLindor · 05/10/2014 22:01

There's about 11 weeks of guilt tripping to get through yet Grin.

I've been hoping to get into a rotation with SIL so we go to PIL one year and have a year at home on our own the next but going to SILs means she's not in charge, second fiddle to SILs mother etc. so she's not that keen and FIL fibds its too noisy.

We could invite them to us but our stairs are an issue for FIL.

OP posts:
TheFantasticMrsFox · 06/10/2014 07:28

Buy lots of dogs it worked for us :o
Now the logistics of us travelling to my DP's with DS and three dogs in tow, as well as booking DCat into Cat Prison for a few days means that they either come to us or not at all.
I will concede it's quite a costly option for the other 364 days of the year mind :o

Pointlessfan · 06/10/2014 07:42

Good luck! I need to sort this out too with added complication that mt parents are divorced and so are the PIL so we effectively have to fit in 4 lots. Normally they are not too bothered but as it will be their grandchild's first Xmas I'm expecting more of a battle this year.
Would love to have a big family Christmas with them all but that'll never work.

girlywhirly · 06/10/2014 08:26

MrsLindor, I think you've made your point to the PILS, now that the subject has been aired you just need to keep reinforcing what has been decided if MIL tries to change your mind. Remind them that you will see them for a while on Christmas day itself, and also Boxing day evening so it's not as if they won't see you at all.

I think as they get older a lot of MILS feel that as the matriarch of the family they should be in charge of hosting, even if they are knackered and they won't admit it's becoming too much for them. They like Christmas to be the same every year and under their control, which is why when someone wants to do something different, or has to because of work, it upsets their plan. And it also means they are the centre of attention and it can be a bit hard to give up for some.

Ledkr · 06/10/2014 08:33

I've been firm from day one. We have Xmas in our own home and Boxing Day alternate. I have adult chikdren as well as little ones and they like to come here too.

Pil are welcome to come to us but they won't break with their traditions so neither will we.
Inccidently I fully expect my son to have Xmas at his pil or home this year as they have their first baby on November. I am totally fine with it.

scrappydappydoo · 06/10/2014 18:20

Well done op - hang in there!
My MIL keeps changing her mind about whether she's coming or we're going to her. Everytime I think we have firm plans she rings and starts the conversation all over again. Thing is I'm working until 11pm on christmas eve and she keeps suggesting we travel 5hrs to hers so she can see the GC open presents in the morning - we keep saying no and then she rings a few days later and says 'what about..' ARGGHH
and don't get me started on my side of the family.....

VillageFete · 06/10/2014 18:41

aah.. the "christmas dinner conversation"

last year was ridiculous. invited my mum and PIL's here. PIL's declined as MIL only likes her own roast dinner and as BIL still lives at home she was happy to spend it wil FIL and BIL (all these bloody abbreviations!) anyway, BIL's girlfriend put her foot down and quite right told BIL that he should come to her family, seeing as she has gone to his family for the last 2 years and that his parent's should be coming to us if we'd invited them. Long story short they rang us a couple of days before christmas to inform us they'd changed their mind and were coming. i'd already well ordered the turkey and trimmings and it was a mad rush getting sorted to accomodate them. this is my PIL's all over. so bloody last minute.

anyway, we are eating out this year and my mum is coming along. PIL's have been invited and declined. they can't change their mind as their won't be no room now.

it would never, ever happen that my OH and BIL would eat with their inlaws at the same time as each other. one always has to be their for PIL's. PIL's won't go to any other family members.

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 06/10/2014 18:47

Well done, good luck for round 2!

We've never spent a Christmas together, this year will be DD's first Christmas and we're spending it at our place then visiting family later in the week. I'm so excited!!

Original poster
MrsLindor · 06/10/2014 19:48

I'm still waiting for MILs counter offensive, I've agreed we'll all go for lunch new years day, I'm hoping she'll see that as Christmas Day II and be happy.

OP posts:
whitecampion · 07/10/2014 11:33

Grin at mrs Lindor's Christmas Day mark II!

BTW Congratulations to those who have had the "conversation" and come out the other side! Envy

I haven't had mine yet and am quietly dreading it!

MIL expects all of her children (and their families) to spend ALL of christmas period with her - every day.

A conversation two years ago about us needing to be spend Christmas at home (we're the only ones with tiny DC) spectacularly backfired when they took it that everyone all bloody 15 of them! would just come to ours instead!

I have had a houseful for last 2 Christmasses and just really want to have DH and the little ones all to myself - and actually spend time with them playing and taking photo's (they are growing up fast) instead of spending the entire day waiting on 15 people hand and foot for breakfast, lunch and dinner for 4 days!

Treats · 07/10/2014 13:06

I'm having a whole different perspective on the Christmas dinner this year.

For the last three years, we've hosted everyone from either side of the family who wants to come, and it's been great to a) be in our own home and b) have my family there to null the presence of the ILs (FIL is fine, MIL and I have a difficult relationship).

But, for good reasons, I won't be able to spend Christmas day with my parents or siblings this year, so I'm resigned to spending it with the ILs.

But I've realised:

  • I can spend more time just playing with the children as I won't have my attention monopolised by my mother.
  • I can busy myself in the kitchen, leaving all the hosting duties to my DH
  • We can have another celebration with my folks on a different day, without my ILs lurking in the background, which will also extend the Christmas period and spread out the present-opening.
  • It will be up to DH to make all the arrangements and the phone calls and figure it all out - they're his family. I can spend a lot less time worrying about it all.
- Since I'm not expecting to have a hugely enjoyable day, it can't be disappointing!

So it's all good, I think. The only dark cloud is the possibility that we might end up going there, which would be fairly dreadful. Although at least I wouldn't have to cook.

Sorry - OT - just wanted to share that perspective. I probably wouldn't be so sanguine if I was being forced to spend the day with my ILs.

girlywhirly · 07/10/2014 13:32

whitecampion, I'm amazed at your MIL'S stamina entertaining so many for so long! Or does she pressgang them into doing lots for her?

Scrappy and Village, it must be so tempting to play the ILS at their own games. Let them assume you're coming and duck out on the 23rd because you have to work, or hint that you will be going out to eat and suddenly decide to stay at home! They can hardly complain as they have done the same to you.

Iamblossom · 07/10/2014 13:36

I love spending xmas with as many people as possible. We did Xmas day just us 4 once and it was really boring!

jennymac · 07/10/2014 14:01

In a way you are lucky that you have PIL who want to have you over for Christmas dinner! We used to take it turn about but don't go to my parents any more as they live 80 miles away and we like to have Christmas Eve at home and for the kids to have time to play with their presents rather than have to spend a couple of hours in the car. They come to us for Boxing Day instead and stay over. MIL announced a couple of years ago that she wasn't doing Christmas dinner anymore so although they live close to us, they go to another relatives and have dinner there (we aren't invited!)

whitecampion · 07/10/2014 14:18

girly everyone seemed to chip in a bit more when she hosted - especially with the clearing up.

Also, MIL tends to use a lot of packaged/processed stuff so more of a case of opening packet and popping in microwave/reheating in oven - whereas I make a rod for my own back and like to use fresh veg and home bake.

girlywhirly · 07/10/2014 16:45

Funny that, whitecampion, people helping MIL at her house and not helping you at yours!

katienana · 08/10/2014 15:38

whitecampion wait until someone says 'are we all coming to you next year' reply 'no, not this year' with a smile, wait for someone else to volunteer to host. when they say 'so we'll see you on the 25th?' reply 'no, not this year.'
Leave it at that.

I would love to be able to host Christmas dinner, my flat is just too small though. Maybe next year when we will hopefully move house. DH still wants to do 'taking turns' which means spending all of Christmas away, I'm thinking he will see the appeal of staying home more when we have a larger house. Although we never have to cook, we do have to pay for petrol and I spend ages packing and filling the car with presents - particularly concerned about hiding DS Christmas presents this year!!!

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