How much do you spend on your 'adult, not living at home' children?

[Marne]

Dh and I decided a while ago that when the dc's are 18 we will stop spending huge amounts of money on them, we have 5 children between us (I have 3 step children and 2 that our my children), we spend around £100 on a main present plus a few small presents (but for the younger 2 they have lots of smaller things but we spend the same), eldest dc is now 20, last year we gave him £30 and a few presents to open (so around £50) which I think is fair, this year the 2nd eldest is 17 so his last year of getting a big gift (though he has asked for cash). Dh keeps questioning if this is ok? both my parents and dh's father don't buy big gifts for us (we get £20 from his DF and my parents spend about £10 on us), we don't feel we need big gifts and I would feel guilty expecting my parents to spend more. So I think we should give them (once they are 18) £30 cash and a few things to open when they come over, does this sound fair? do you still buy expensive gifts for your adult children?

No idea but my parents often give us £50 to 'buy something nice' at Xmas.

My mom spends about £40-50 on each of us (in our 30's) sometimes we get a little extra gift or two, sometimes not. It really depends what sort of year we've all had moneywise. We spend about the same back though (give or take) and get her a little something from the kids.
I agree it is silly to still spend as much on older children if they have moved out and especially if they have children of their own for you to buy for or partners but if they still live at home and are 19/20 I think I'd still spend a similar amount.

I think it depends on their circumstances. I have one lazy arse 18 year old who struggles to attend college 2 days a week. She will be getting a onesie and DVD. My son, who is a charity worker abroad ( but who is coming home for Christmas) will get significantly more, as he is at least working, but doesn't have much money and lives a very basic lifestyle ( no hot water etc ) I will buy him clothes, shoes, alcohol and treats). My other daughter lives in a flat but goes to college and she will get plenty, but lots of it will be practical houses stuff ( slow cooker, spice rack, bedding). Everyone gets a stocking and we pay for them to come out for Christmas lunch and other Christmas activities.

Thank you, that has made me feel a bit better , they come over to see us on boxing day so its nice to get them a few things to open and a little bit of cash so they can buy themselves something, eldest son seems to be expecting more (has asked for a gift costing £100) but I have said 'no', we cant afford to carry on spending huge amounts, one day there might be grandchildren to buy for too and then we may rethink what we spend again (my grandparents no longer buy for adults as they have so many great grand children to buy for, it ends up costing a fortune). I'm not really happy about spending out £100+ on the 17 year old as he has pulled out of college and wont look for work but we set the '18 year old rule' so we shall stick to it .

I think you are doing it well. I also started a thread on a similar topic yesterday. It's tricky isn't it, especially when you have younger ones?

Parsnipcake- that's my view exactly , I feel silly giving step son £100 when he is sat on his ass doing nothing to help himself and I know he will blow it on something totally useless (though he tells us he wants driving lessons).

I have four adult children and dd aged ten. The oldest three are working so we spend about £200 each on them and I do them a stocking. Ds3 is 19 and has autism and is at school and generally buy him whatever he wants (mother guilt ) so could be a lot more than £200 and dd aged ten generally gets whatever she wants as well although the total cost of her list is £70 so she's not demanding and will get plenty of extras.

I'm kind of going against the flow here but I still spend a fair bit on mine who are 25 and 23. I do this because they still come home for Christmas and we still do all the things we did when they were younger.

Ds now lives with his girlfriend and has told us that this may well be the last Christmas that coming home to Mum and Dad every year is their first choice (sob!) as they want to buy their own home and start building their own traditions so I guess things might change then.

Don't get me wrong, if we could afford it then we would spend more (as long as they were working or trying hard to find work) but I feel they are old enough to understand that we can not afford it.

DSS1 is tricky- he is in a unit being assessed for schizophrenia (and other MH issues) but the past 2 years he has stolen money and used our address to get loans, he's been in trouble with the police several times (I know this might not be his fault), he has refused to come and see us but has said he will come for Christmas (maybe because he thinks he is getting something expensive). I would like to get him something nice but it doesn't have to cost a fortune, the item he has asked for is not practical and will probably get stolen at the unit.

DSS2- is living with his girl friend, his girl friend works whilst he mums around all day.

DSD1- is 14 and is having some cash to buy clothes, plus a few presents.

Then I have my dd's who both have ASD (insanity, I know what you mean about the guilt thing and buying them what they want, I could easily get carried away).

The rest of our family don't spend much for Christmas, a lot of them don't bother at all.

My 2 are students in their early 20s. Last year I gave them each a Tesco gift card for £50 and a box of stocking filler type things (body spray, their favoruite sweeties or biscuits etc)

My son won't be home this year as he's working in panto (oh yes he is!), so I'm sending him his stocking-box which will have a few more bits in it, including a decoration for his tree. I've already given daughter a £30 Boots voucher as an advent calendar present, so she might just get an enhanced stocking.

The Tesco gift card is a really good idea. Then you know they can buy food or any clothes they need.

I think it depends on what you can afford. My parents have loads of kids and therefore loads of grandkids too so they usually get each couple a voucher for a meal at Christmas and buy each of the grandkids presents spending around £40 on each. This mounts up to a lot of money considering their disposable income which isn't huge. On the other hand, my in-laws only have 2 dc and 2 grandchildren and therefore they usually give us a few hundred pounds at Christmas (this is for us to buy presents for our dc also).

Mine are 22, 19 and 9.

I spend more on dd 9, perhaps about £200.
The two older ones about £150 each. Both are officially still at home but ds1 we rarely see him and he doesn't sleep here much.

Marne buy your dss driving lesson vouchers rather than giving him cash.

Or this

www.cineworld.co.uk/mobile/offers/283

Raish, the trouble is with the driving lessons is he can not afford to carry it on, buy a car or run a car as he won't get a job, so paying for a couple of driving lessons would probably be pointless? If he had a job then we would happily help him out with a few lessons.

I like the idea of vouchers. I have bought them some lynx ( in a wash bag thing) and some chocolate, we usually buy them a t-shirt or a hoody and something silly.

Raisah

The website called The Hut has good offers for young adults. I brought my grown up son a jumper and free rain Mac combo for £20. When my DS1 was teens /early twenties I avoided giving much cash as he used to blow it all in one night. I went for a present, around £10/£20 and some beers.

The way we work it is big Christmas until they are 18 (year they turn 18 is last one) Then budget is reduced to Around £50 if they are still at home.
The eldest 2 when they moved out moved in with GF/BF so we then have to include them in present buying. So they each get £30.
DD now has her own DD so another £30 for her.
Plus DD and DGD have a birthday in December in which all Dc's (& partners) get £25 regardless of age or whether they are still at home or not.
We still have 3 at home.