When Christmas is totally different

[vvviola]

We're spending Christmas at MILs for the first time this year (we invited her to ours last year but she refused - long complicated story, and previous to that we lived on the other side of the world, although we did fly her over to us one year)

So, DH spoke to her today about the plans for Christmas Day and I'm feeling a little strange about it. It's already different for me as it's going to be summer, but the whole day sounds like it's going to be very different to what I'm used to (which is, incidentally - Santa presents in morning, drinks at friends, family presents, extended family for turkey soup, then dinner about 4, followed by movie, scrabble, and then turkey sandwiches and Christmas cake around midnight)

The plan for MILs is:
We do Christmas morning with kids, then drive down to MILs (2 hours away), where we do presents with her. Then to MILs sister for dinner about 1 - no turkey, ham or Brussels sprouts in evidence. Then at 3 everyone gets kicked out goes home for a nap (which means us back to B&B with 2yo and 6yo). No dessert. Dessert happens when everyone gets together at 7 again to have dessert and play pass the parcel. By which point of the day children will be ratty and tired and ready for bed (and in pretty much a strangers house as we don't know MILs sister that well).

Eek. I'm going to struggle a little anyway as it's the first Christmas I've intentionally spent away from my parents and extended family (one year DH, the kids & I got stranded abroad due to snow). How do I cope with everything being so different....?

(Oddly, none of this seemed to feature in DH's memories of Christmas growing up, which seemed to fit more with the way my family do it... just with fewer wooly jumpers and more suncream)

I wasn't quite brave enough to bring this to AIBU so I thought I'd ask people with Christmas on their minds....

I don't think there has to be a set way
That the day has to run.
Your day sounds fun but quite long.
Her day sounds quite regimented.

your kids may benefit from a break in the day for a nap.
Maybe for one year you can just go with the flow. It's only one day.

The fear of change is usually the fear of the unknown & some people are very good at adapting quickly and others are not. Is there a reason why your aunt in law has a break in the middle? Medical conditions or just being more advanced in years means she gets more tired thus requiring a nap.

It is one day so please go with an open mind with the intention of having fun. You could turn the nap time into a positive by encouraging your kids to sleep so they will be rested & able to join in the fun & stay up a little later.

Having a very long day in peoples company invariably means that tiredness & drunkenness affects peoples ability to have fun. Take the 3pm nap as an opportunity to have quiet family time away from the mad chaos of family get togethers.

It's the two hour car journey that would annoy me the most. I don't think it's fair on the dc to spend do long of Christmas day traveling, though I know it often can't be helped. Anyway you could go to her house on Christmas eve ?

Are you staying in a B&B or with MIL sister ?

The break in the day thing has been done to is before when we've been down with MIL, and she seems to have been doing it for years, so I think it's a habit rather than a health issue on anyone's part.

Travelling down on Christmas Eve not really feasible, particularly as I wouldn't be "allowed" do Santa for my own kids long background rant, as it is I suspect Santa will have been to MILs too and there's no space for us to stay there so we'd have to try to manage everything from a B&B, while MIL insisted DD1 stays with her and we stay in B&B.

I am genuinely trying to go into it with an open mind and enjoy it, but it seems so alien to me, and so "strict" as to the timings (especially the evening part, which can't start earlier and which DD2 will be a nightmare at even if she's napped)

At a B&B Waitmonkey. No room at MIL's and no invite to stay with DH's aunt (not that I'd expect it at all, like I said we don't know them that well - we've only met them maybe 5 times in past 2 years)

Is it just this year your doing this ? Doesn't seem like the best ideas. Would hate to stay in a B&B Christmas night. Next year, insist on doing what you want.

The change of location and even different food would not bother me, people all do Christmas differently.

However, it seems a very adult sort of day they have planned, and I think it is down to DH to spell it out to MIL that the DC will not be able to join in all of it, especially in the evening. How is she planning on providing tea for the DC earlier than 7pm? And the driving, is MIL expecting to be driven to the aunt's with you? If so won't she have to come back early if you and the DC need to return to the B&B? I bet she won't have considered that. I think it's a bit odd actually, MIL invites you all for Christmas, then isn't hosting at her home or cooking, you are all stuck in a B&B.

I agree with you that this way of doing Christmas has evolved from everyone growing up in MIL's family and she has completely forgotten about the needs of small DC and expects you to just muddle through and deal with it. And this idea MIL has about DD1 staying with her while you stay at the B&B isn't on, while she plays the doting gran. I'm betting DD1 hardly knows her.

I think you and DH need to sort out all these things now, so that MIL knows that her arrangements may not go to plan and she will need to decide what to do.

I really hope it works out for you.

This year, and probably next year Waitmonkey. And in many ways a B&B (it has a private living area and garden so it's nearly like a self catering flat as far as I can tell) is the better option as we get some control over food/bedtimes/activities and some space to retreat to.

Unfortunately DH is not likely to help that much in tailoring the day for the kids, other than saying I may have to take one or other of the DC home early (walking distance, to be fair). He's very sensitive about his Mum & Christmas, and that we've done so many Christmases with my parents and are likely to in the future too (we'll be moving back closer to them in a couple of years), so it's very tricky to bring things up as he sees it as a criticism of his Mum (although on the day he's likely to be as frustrated by certain elements of the day as I am )

I guess I'll go with throwing myself into the fun bits and grin and bear the rest. She is family after all.

vvv your B&B sounds lovely. I would just enjoy the 3pm break maybe take some small crafts or DVDs to keep your dd's occupied.
Unfortunately you can't choose family or the way they do stuff so just best to take the rough with the smooth!

I sympathise at it sounds a bit grim to be honest. At age 6 neither of our DDs would have wanted to be staying at a GPs house without DH and me. Are you sure DD is going to be happy about this?

The two hours down is ok but having to go the the aunt's then going back to the B&B in the afternoon doesn't sound very good. It doesn't sound like the day is planned around two small children at all.

If MIL hasn't got the space to entertain you all let alone put you up, why has she invited you? Why didn't she go to your house last year and why can't she come to you this year? It sounds like things are being done for her convenience, whereas as a GP she should be putting the DGCs first.

oh. I think I feel like you except that you're being polite and not fully saying. Christmas is SO important to me that any major deviation feels like I've missed it altogether! To me I need it to be all about the kids. I love more people being around but car journeys absolutely do not feature in my christmas day.
I'm not helping am I?

Why she didn't come here last year: the excuse given was she didn't want to leave her mother alone at Christmas (there were about 8 others there), the real reason I suspect was that my parents were there.

She doesn't have enough space to host really, to be fair.

But yes, an awful lot gets done on her terms or not at all.

Your choice is to put up with it this year, then you can say you have done your bit. Or you say that Christmas is for the children and you don't want the long car journey or the enforced afternoon in a B&B room and make other plans, but you will need DH onside for that one.

It seems very strange to me that MIL invites you when she hasn't got space for you. Who does that? Is she paying for the B&B?

In theory she'd love it if we stayed, but it's just not feasible for more than a brief overnight (1 tiny spare room with a bed that it's actually impossible for 2 people to sleep on, no beds for DDs. Last time we stayed DH slept on living room floor, I slept in bed, DD2 in travel cot, DD1 on MILs bedroom floor. And since then I've stopped breastfeeding, DD2 still wakes twice a night & DD1 has got really upset when she has stayed at MILs with just DH. It's a nightmare really).

We're paying for B&B (and are already 'in trouble' for only staying 3 nights) as MIL hasn't got a lot of spare cash. Which is fair enough really, I don't mind about that at all, as technically we could probably have just about squeezed in to MILs.

I'm probably making a lot more of it than I should really. I'm just a bit homesick at the moment too. I'll just focus on the kids and I'll get through it. and maybe pack a bottle of gin for the B&B

It doesn't sound much fun for you and the kids but maybe go with it this year and if it doesn't work out maybe next years plans will be different!
and it may work out better than you think... the 'siesta' maybe a good thing
I wouldn't have DD1 staying away from me though what's the benefit for DD1 in that? if you're staying in a B&B then you all should be together - especially as its so different for her...whose going to put her to bed with xmas day stories etc she's only 6 bet she'll want her mum/dad

I thought I'd update now that it's all behind us...

It was, in the end, really quite pleasant. It didn't feel remotely festive or Christmassy, but it wasn't that awful.

Our morning went really well - Christmassy breakfast of pancakes and fruit, all delivered around the table by the duplo train set up by DH. Stockings were held back so the DC opened them in the car, which DH had festooned with tinsel. I insisted on as many Christmas songs being played and sung as possible.

The drive was tedious but not dreadful. We managed to do it in 2 hours without stopping which is unusual as DD2 is a dreadful passenger.

Then the Christmas lunch. It felt more like an informal family barbecue - sitting outside on plastic chairs, paper plates on knees, buffet style. Not much to do for the kids, but one of DH's uncles got roped in to play snakes & ladders.

Back to B&B, managed to get DD2 to nap. The evening part was apparently usually child-free, which we didn't realise. But an exception was made for DDs, but that make me feel very awkward. Some games and joke presents and dessert then back to the B&B at 9 to wrestle two very overtired kids into bed.

So it wasn't the disaster I'd feared, but I really don't feel like I've had Christmas at all, and I spent large parts of the day trying to get DD1 to sit still and calm down and keeping DD2 away from her various allergy triggers (dairy & egg... a nightmare over Christmas).

So. A pleasant very casual day (I was overdressed in a simple dress, no make up, bare feet!) which was better than expected.

Now just to survive another 4 days with MIL

Forgot to say, 'worst' part of the day: getting back to the B&B and realising we couldn't have a turkey sandwich.

DH turned to me looking totally bereft and said: "Oh. We usually have a turkey sandwich about now. It's not Christmas without a turkey sandwich". He moped for a full minute & a half til he got distracted by a box of Roses