Am I being heartless about this?

[IneedAsockamnesty]

Not exactly sure where to start with this as its a unusual situation

My two youngest children are 4weeks and 19 months, dad and are are not in a relationship and never have been.

Dad has an older child (8) that he sees less than once a month but the gp's have a weekend every month. She is not nor has she ever been my stepchild. She's a delightful child but we do not have anything other than a very transient relationship its the same with the grandparents.

I do presents at birthdays and Xmas for my own children my nephews and my best friend and her children that is it.

Since I was pregnant with 19 month old I have been expected by dad and gp's to buy gifts from myself and bump ( obviously at the time bump later it became baby then myself baby and bump now myself toddler and baby)

Not one gift each from all of us but 3 indervidual gifts for each person and I'm given suggestion lists last year I ended up spending well over £200.

Now my thoughts on this are... I don't agree with getting adults gifts from myself Christmas is about children I only get my bf a gift because she has no adult family and no money so my gift is the only one she gets.

The two babies cannot express a desire to go buy gifts nor do they have any concept of Christmas they are not old enough to make stuff nor pick things so its bloody obvious that anything given is from me.surely its more appropriate to do this when they are old enough to engage with it.

If its so important that the babies do get them gifts it should be pocket money type gifts and/or dad should be doing it not me.

I get to decide if I get adults gifts it shouldn't be assumed nor expected.

So am I being a cow if this year I just don't do it.

For balance gp's get the babies gifts from themselves but not me (this does not bother me I've included it for info only) the child is not expected to buy anything for anyone because they are only 8 (quite rightly) but drawn pictures do happen and are quite lovely (we are both keen on green glitter).

You are right. The Dad should do it.

How can you not have been in a relationship with a man you have had two children with? Have I got that bit wrong? The present bit sounds very confusing!

We are friends who both wanted more children but cannot be bothered with an actual serious relationship with each other.

From my viewpoint been there done that not interested any more, from his it just works.

We co parent effectively with very few issues and don't have any history getting in the way so for us its ideal

So you are expected to buy 3 presents (one each from you and your two children) for 3 adults (your children's father and his parents)?? And you have no relationship with your children's father? Unless there's more to this than you mention in your OP - these people support you financially or provide a substantial amount of free childcare - this is crazy. I can't quite figure out where the 8yr old comes into the equation.

I'm a bit confused by the set up to be honest, but that's not relevant. Don't buy anything for anyone you don't want to. Especially those with lists.

They're being really grasping and you are being a mug to spend £200 on anyone.
Just stop it - you still have time to. If you feel the need to explain just say you don't buy for adults as Christmas is about the kids and your kids don't buy presents because they have no money.
As for their half sister ... I feel a bit sorry for her and probably would get her a token gift!
If you're doing something as serious as co parenting with him surely you can tell him he's being a twat expecting anything but a picture from your toddler? He can tell his parents they're being twats/pass the message that you won't be doing that.

No its the two grandparents and the 8yo who expect the gifts,dad and I agreed that we wouldn't bother with that type of thing for each other until the kids are old enough to understand.

I receive no financial support from any of them and no childcare or anything like that, I'm guessing its asked for because its fairly obvious that I'm financially comfortable and I know they are not.

Under normal circumstances dad and I would discuss this he would usually agree and no problems I just wanted to check with none hormonal people before I chat to him just incase I'm being unkind as tiredness has warped my brain.

It's not really that confusing, two friends,known each other for many years both want more children than they already have but have no desire to enter into a relationship/marriage or anything like it,after much discussion they decide to just have a child with each other but not a couple relationship,it works so they do it again.

With my family we don't bother with Christmas gifts for adults so its quite an odd thing for me,his family obviously do. This shouldn't involve me doing anything other than a token gift for him from dc when they are old enough to understand as if he wishes to continue his family's gift ideas i think he should be doing it not me as clearly if I don't do it for my own parents ( who are obviously also gp's to our dc) then why should I for his, his parents expect me to because he's broke and I'm not that's why they give me the lists and drop all the hints to me.

I completely get your family dynamics and it has nothing to do with your predicament.
I think, if anything, a small token gift from the dc's should suffice. I understand though that its not something you usually do. If the dad is not happy with amount spent then he should take responsibility.
I am happy to buy a gift for dp's dm and dsis on behalf of dd because they have been so supportive but it will be a token gift. Good luck.

I wouldnt even bother with the lists especially if they're all big/expensive items.

I'd get a tin of biscuits for the gps, and a smallish toy for the DD.

I do my family's presents, dh does his. Well in effect I give all my family presents and he does not give his family anything. I facilitate my children giving gifts to my family too, but not to his family. His dad gives the children money and that's about it. I can't say I like it very much but that's how it works. I don't differentiate between adults and children, except that I don't give presents to teenagers who neither say thanks nor give gifts in return (plus they are hard to find gifts for!).

It seems very odd to me that people you don't know particularly well are demanding such generous presents, or that anyone should demand presents from children so small. I think that it is very important for children to give presents, but with littlies I think they should be home made otherwise it's just not very meaningful.

In short yes I think it's perfectly reasonable for the father of your children to take care of presents to his family. If his elder child gives you a personal gift then I think you should give her a little something - perhaps more green glitter :) and perhaps a token gift to grandparents to acknowledge their role - nice framed photo of the babies or something like that?

The 8 yr old is your children's sibling. Isn't this a relationship you should consider encouraging? Why does her father see her less than once a month? (That's just me being nosy.) Why are you buying his parents gifts?

Do you consider yourselves a family? Or just friends? I would send one gift from your children to their sister and another from them to their grandparents. Or get "dad" to do it. Does he worry about your family in the same way?

How about a potted plant and a box of Roses for the 'adults' here and something nicer than a potted plant for the older child because she is just a child and that is a kind thing to do, but no need to go overboard.

The lists are outrageous. I would be inclined to use them as wrapping paper.

x-post with Toby

Hang on, the 8 yr old, "dad" should give her money up buy your children gifts too...if he expects your babies to give to her.

Where's her mother on all this? Is she worrying about the children her ex has with someone else?

An interesting set-up, OP. And congratulations for making it work, when it obviously suits everyone.
The answer is actually very simple, but does need you to have the courage of your convictions (hard when you have such a young baby that your head is still all over the place).

When anyone hands you a gift list, simply hand it back with a smile and say "oh, you will need to give this to P because he deals with gifts to his side of the family".
Don't enter into further discussion about it, and above all stop feeling guilty.
When the children are old enough, P should be taking them out and helping them choose what they want to give.
If there are issues about his lack of money, that really is not your problem and his family will soon realise that your setup means gifts are 'coats' cut from his cloth, not yours.

I do, however, think that you should be responsible for giving a small gift to the 8 year old, from your children, as this is sibling to sibling.

That's sort of the direction I was thinking of going with the dilemma, something like a sketch pad,glitter,glue and colouring pencils with a sequin art and scratch art set for 8yo from all 3 so its a few little things from us but ask dad to get something from dc for the gp's related to him if he feels they need something substantial.

And perhaps a tin of biscuits from all 3 of us for the adults not because I think I have to but just to make the first year less daunting as when they are sat there expecting I feel less uncomfortable as I will have something to hand over then won't feel embarrassed

In defence of dad the expectation has not come from him it wouldn't even occur to him,nor would he ever ask about things for my relatives.

They know we are not.cant understand why but they do know.

do you spend xmas day with the gps? if so at whose house? and if not where and when fo you normally exchange gifts?