How do you explain to a DH who doesn't get it?

[CrazyOldCatLady]

DH came home from shopping today and I found some small toys in one of the bags. I asked what they were for and he said (in front of DD, who's 3.6) 'stocking fillers'.

Apparently she picked them out herself.

He says he and his siblings never had stockings so he didn't understand how they worked.

I've talked a lot to him about Christmas and how it I'd like it to be for our kids. I've told him all about how stockings worked when I was a kid. I have no concept of how he could have come to the conclusion that he was supposed to get DD to choose stocking fillers herself.

I'm utterly bemused.

He also has a history of either not buying me anything at all for Christmas (it's his default, really; so much so that I generally buy myself presents 'from him' so I get something), or buying me things but giving them to me weeks early, straight out of a shopping bag.

It's a bit like living with someone from a distant planet who has never experienced Christmas before - every single year.

Has anyone else encountered someone like this?

DH has learnt that the best way to deal with Christmas is leave everything to me and then on Christmas Eve we go to town together to get the final bits.

I think you're being very unfair - you have two different concepts of christmas. Neither is "right". I personally can't stand making a huge thing out of it, so I'd be happy with your husband's take on it. Yours would drive me a bit batty.

What's he like with preparing for annual reviews at work? Does he randomly produce documentation more suitable for an appraisal somewhere randomly, like in a staff meeting? I wonder whether he doesn't understand social norms and so is trying to learn them, but isn't doing so well.

Or it's just a, you know, do it really badly so The Wife will do it all, type thing. See comment from another poster where her husband has learned it's best if the wife does it. Who is that best for?

Also, of course you're not being unfair. Madness. Children don't pick stocking fillers, considering the stocking is normally left by Santa.

That would do my head in too! Where is the magic for the child if they choose the gifts themselves weeks in advance?

I can sympathise though, my children are 3 and nearly 7 and my husband has never bought either of them anything! I will show him links online and he will nod in agreement or frown if they seem expensive or noisy etc but thats as far as his imput goes - be glad your husband thought to buy them something but maybe just let your son have them now and find some surprises for him for the stocking

My husband is rubbish at gifts - I've stopped sulking on him on it now and just shop for myself while I'm getting his christmas presents and will hand them to him to wrap on xmas eve (I shall make sure I buy extra paper this year as last year he left mine till late and ran out of paper so a couple of mine were wrapped with newspaper!! :-o) I know I am loved, presents just aren't his 'thing'

sory just realised its daughter not son!

Yup. Some folk think only a super understated Christmas is proper. Dp's parents are like this. They don't even have crackers. Their present to their first grandchild was a bib with "baby's first Christmas" written on it. And that was it. They are comfortably off. DMIL is born again, not sure if this is the issue?
I have converted dp (willingly!) to having stockings for adults, crackers, xmas eve presents, advent calendar presents, amazing food etc etc etc

Pick your battles. How would your DH like Christmas with his young family to be? Will your DD remember what she picked for stocking gifts in six weeks? Will it still be a surprise?
Perhaps seeing the delight on DD's face when she up-ends her stocking this Christmas will cement what a lovely experience it is for all of you, I image she didn't have much of a reaction to Christmas last year? DS is just two this Christmas and still doesn't understand what the hell's going on! Maybe next year will be more exciting for him.

Just do two stockings this year. One from father Christmas and one from mummy and daddy then make sure you talk about how you both want to handle Christmas in future.

Whilst I see your point, your post does say 'I've told him how it will be' not 'we have agreed what we will do' I think you both need to agree. And I don't se why you can't do both. As a kid I think it was about 50/50 mix of surprises and things I had chosen myself that had been put away for Christmas.

Dh loves giving gifts, but cannot, cannot keep it a surprise. He will buy me something for Xmas, give it to me in October because ha can't wait, then buy me something a few weeks later... I had 4 presents one year from him. Because he couldn't bear to wait. And still didn't actually get owt on the day! Come to think of it... In 10 years I have never had a gift on the day from him. Though he always gets me something thoughtful and useful.

bouncy good compromise which after all is what marriage is all about

DH was a bit of a numpty last year. He'd taken the DCs to choose my presents but then put them in my stocking! When we'd already said that FC is the one who fills the stockings (including ours - we've been good all year too you know :o). I think he'd just seen it as small = stocking filler. Thankfully at 5 and 3 they didn't question the inconsistency, but I am being very vigilant about it this year as DD is now starting to analyse things a bit more.

This year I already know that my main present from DH is small (though pricey/rare) and when it arrived he showed DD, so I have told him several times it MUST NOT GO IN THE STOCKING.

He's actually brilliant in all other ways just had a lack of common sense there for some reason.

FWIW OP I used to spend hours drooling over a catalogue that was actually called 'stocking fillers' - maybe that's where he got the wrong idea from?

Perhaps you need to ascertain that he does actually want to do Christmas your way. If yes you might need to explain it to him step by step. Maybe with a diagram.

No, he's not trying to get me to do it all. I mostly do do it all and don't ask for much input because it's not his thing, which makes it all the more baffling that he bothered.

He's not aiming to be understated, he doesn't mind how overboard (or not) I go, it's all fine by him.

Yes, DD will absolutely remember in 6 weeks. She'd recognise the toys if they turned up this time next year. She has a very good memory, and no problem with questioning our logic if she thinks it's not quite right!

I've tried discussing how we'll do things. He agrees to pretty much everything. Either he's not really listening, or he doesn't understand, or he gave all his memory capacity to DD!

I love him to bits but honestly it's like we speak different languages.

Then organise it how you'd like it and just let him tag along? Designate tasks to him with instructions, like I do for Christmas lunch: potatoes need to be ready by 1.30, they take an hour and a half - and leave it at that.

If there's anything you can find online to buy, do it that way, then spend an afternoon/hour collecting stocking gifts yourself. Could DD have some gifts she chose herself plus a couple of surprise ones? The Christmas Bargains threads here are full of delightful ideas.

If your DH is unbending, then try to do things yourself as easily and stress-free as possible.

Good luck

Give your DH a break...I too never experienced the stocking as a child and only just starting them this year with mine, haven't got a fecking clue what to do but with google and mumsnet ill get there. You sound a bit controlling, your DC's will remember the individual input from both their parents, they won't believe in Santa forever. Give him a break