To visit at Christmas or not?

[diddl]

Elderly relative lives alone.

They can't do the travelling.

It's a flight away, so usually go for a week.

Although you don't mind, having done it for the last three years (& therefore not had Christmas with husband & teens), was hoping someone else would be doing it this year.

They won't.

Relative has said it's ok to not go.

Would you still go?

I wouldn't have the heart to leave them on their own, can husband and kids not go too?

Can't you all go? Or could you discuss it with the others that won't?

I wouldn't go every year no, and I also have that sort of family. Key thing is to say no early, nicely. That's what my sil did this year so we're too late!! She said, in August, to everyone, 'we're going to have Christmas at home by ourselves this year' so everyone else has had to fit in!! Genius. And I'm jealous I didn't think of it!!

For us all to go, husband would have to drive ( & he doesn't want to) & we'd have to pay accommodation, which we can't afford.

I suppose I'm thinking-do I take this person at their word?

My daughter thinks it's outrageous that I would even consider not going.

Other person will be visiting early in Dec. (also a flight for them)

I suppose if they're having another visitor in Dec and have said they're happy for you to have Christmas with your own family then you could stay at home. It's tricky to know if they meant it, are they usually the sort of person who doesn't want a fuss made?

Yes, it's the knowing if they mean it!

They've been on their own for a long time, so is it just another day iyswim?

Am I more concerned about what people might say/think?

Although the other person obvs isn't!

There's nothing to stop me going now/Jan for example & saying "can't do Christmas, this'll have to do" iyswim.

I think that's a fair compromise, that's probably what I would do. Let the other person visit them in Dec and visit yourself in Jan if possible, give gifts and eat some Christmassy food so they haven't missed out, it is just a date on a calender really.

I suppose I feel bad as I could go at Christmas-I'd rather not!

But that's the reason the other person isn't!

So it makes me as bad as them!

I hate feeling so torn between my husband & kids & OK-Dad!

I know he'd be OK if I said "no can do" this year-well, he'd have to be-but I feel it would make me as selfish as the other person.

Me not going wouldn't make them change their plans & I do so hate the thought of him on his own

You're not being selfish, you've visited for three years in a row. Your dad probably is being honest when he says he's OK with you staying at home, he's had 3 Christmases with his baby and now you get one with yours. Could you Skype on Christmas Day? Or just a phone call?